“Fear of Writing”

| Laura Lee Bonde

I wish you knew me
all the bad relationships
I’ve been in

day after day
month after month
then years

wasting the time
meant for my kids
yet lost in a man

since living for God
loving my body
I’ve had three relationships

one too horrible to remember
one too secret to tell
and one now

but this time
I’m married

each time molds
new memories to forget
in my kids

each time
their whole lives
I’ve made them second

now holding them
first

but this time
I’m married

I had so much hope
of a happy home
Finally
I was doing things right

but in whose eyes?

meltdown after meltdown
every time losing me
every time…existing

but I want to Live!

where is the light in this tunnel
if love never fails
then what?

how long is faith supposed to last
until it works?

it’s in these moments
when I’m left inside to write
that feelings come out

feelings of doom
feeling estranged
feelings of lesser

last wednesday
I had a meltdown
in marriage counseling

so much so
she’s dividing us
to counsel separately

I hope that helps

friends tell me
God hates divorce
it’s not about being happy
you need to change
etc

but they don’t ask
how it is
so they don’t know

he never talks to me
or the kids
he’s isolated in front of us
takes everything personally
has intimate issues

we’ve become strangers
roommates

sex is non-existent
because of me
I’m not okay
with having sex with a stranger
I’ve done that
it’s called prostitution

see?
writing is my honesty
I begin to write a poem
but more comes out

in words
in tears
in sighs

there’s still a part of me
that fears
writing how I really feel

10 thoughts on ““Fear of Writing””

  1. We divorce in the Jewish religion. Where do the religious books say you must stay in a loveless marriage? It only serves as an abuse to each other and to those around you. Believe me; I was committed beyond belief to my marriage (at least my first one), way past abuse. I renewed vows, hoping that would work; but, it didn’t. I couldn’t leave because of my commitedness. Until I learned it had been intentional. I’ve been married twice. I’d rather be divorced than miserable. Being alone is difficult, but it could leave you open to finding true love that’ll make your heart sing. That’s what everyone deserves. Do what you think is right and best. And hate me for putting my pain and shame out there, formerly unshared to any, on your behalf.

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    1. Thanks for being open with me. I know God’s plan for me (or him) isn’t misery. I refuse to live life that way. If it doesn’t get better, it won’t work out. I’m so uncertain of what to do, but I no longer feel trapped. I’d rather be alone than live like this. Thanks for reading my heart.

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      1. I don’t think you can know now. As a matter of fact, you don’t know now. Because when you do, you’ll have your answer, and you’ll know what it is. Right now you’re questioning, and you’re still in a process of discovery. So, give yourself time to let yourself discocer what your answer is going to be. You can’t force an answer out of something you don’t know the answer to (although you can just blindly do something, and let that be your answer). When your inquiry has ended, you’ll have your answer. I’m glad you don’t feel trapped. Now you can deal.

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  2. On the other hand, some people are just quiet and content to sit there absorbing the good vibes of family, without the need to talk alot. I’m like that. It kindof gets on my nerves alot, because I like quiet and peace and homebody stuff. Type B, laid-back personality. I tend to go for mostly Type A-types, outgoing and gregarious. But the two different styles can clash and feel unappreciated by the other. Neither is really wrong, unless it’s the wrong kind of relationship style that you would wish the other person to be; but, they’re not.

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      1. Right. If it’s just a matter of styles, then you may find that his love for you is there, but he’s content to just bask in it’s quiet glow. But, if you’re the type which needs demonstrable expression, then it might not meet your criteria as such. But if it’s cold and icy, then perhaps he still needs to learn to meet your needs; but you’ve mentioned that wasn’t going so swell. Maybe he can’t. It reminds me of generations before us, which didn’t express love, so much. It was more a matter of marriage for security; and it’s very difficult to make it alone. Well, you’ll hopefully get something out of counseling. I hope you like your counselor.

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  3. I hope so, Laura. Whatever you do, I wish you the strength to continue on through it to see it out the other side to its answer, and that that will be the best thing to bring peace into your homes and your lives. Good luck! You have support rooting for your whole systemic parts to come together and to succeed.

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