Last night, I messed up. I’m not going to share what I did wrong because I just don’t want to put it out there on FB. I was supposed to do something, was counted on, was depended on and missed my alarm. Thank God for dads!! Anyway, I’m posting because of my response. I think when we respond differently in life, THAT’s when we notice growth the most.
Oh well…unless I explain what I did, I won’t be able to convey this correctly, and this may help someone else, so here it goes: in the middle of the night, I was supposed to pick up Carolyn, missed my alarm and missed her calls (my phone was on silent). Thank God that her dad answered his phone, picked her up, and brought her home.
There…there’s my “mess up.”
Anyway, I woke up frantic. You know that feeling when you realize something in your sleep and jump out of bed, wishing you could reverse time? That was me! I came into the living room, and Carolyn was sitting on the couch, talking about her day with Kyle. I was so apologetic. I felt so bad. In the past, I really thought that what I “did” described how good of a mom I was. If that was the case, then last night would have revealed that I was a bad mom. (Notice the past tense verb. That’s not how I feel.) But when you know your identity in the cross, everything’s different.
For a moment, I went in the other room and thought, “Why am I not crying? Normally, I would be in tears.” Then, it hit me. I wasn’t crying because what I did had nothing to do with who I am. The enemy waits for moments like this to condemn me, and I used to fall into all the time, but now, my feet are on solid ground of who I am, so I didn’t fall into it. (I’m so glad I have a new normal.) This isn’t something I need to say ‘sorry’ for a million times. (I’ve don’t that to Kyle and Katie before, but I didn’t need to. I just kept listening to the voices condemning me and felt the need to say sorry over and over again. It just isn’t so.) This experience taught me so much!
Of course, I apologized to Carolyn. I felt bad, but I asked for and received her forgiveness and the forgiveness of my Father in heaven. Now, I’ll never bring it up again (except on here, in case it helps someone). Remember how I said I used to cry at things like this? I wonder how much of that was feeling bad or was wanting others to feel bad for me. Hmm…another lesson.
God is so amazing!! He just keeps revealing new truths, creating new moments, enveloping new experiences, causing new growths, seeding new friendships! I’m so excited to see and know what I will be like right before I die. There will be so much life lived, so much truths learned, so much freedom gained, so much love given and received. Even if I die today, there’s “so much” that I would see in me. Yay, God!