A Different Kind of Mother

Not everyone
had this loving support
from a mother growing up

No, there are some moms out there
who did only one thing…give birth
yet that’s the most important thing needed
to create a possible legacy

Yesterday, I heard this really good sermon
about being nurtured through childhood
yet a couldn’t relate
it was a beautiful sermon for others though

But the similarities were hidden
in the mother I am today
I’ve become “my own” through God
and I love all my kids very well

Each one thinks they’re my favorite
because each knows how special they are
to me and to God

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“Codependency”

if we get in the habit
of letting others
“make us” feel special
then we’ll always “need”
others actions
to make us feel special

instead of KNOWING
that we are

My Latest Breakdown

Last night, on my drive home from work, I had the worst breakdown yet.

I “could” tell you what led up to it, but that’s not the type of person I am, so I’ll only explain what I went through.

In the car, I was listening to “The Greatest Showman” soundtrack, which I often do because I LOVE it. Anyway, during the second song, I began to cry deeply, not because of the lyrics but because of my mom’s death (I’m assuming).

I was crying so hard, I could barely see, but I couldn’t seem to pull over. The thought came to me, but my foot wouldn’t reach out for the break, and my cruise control was set on seventy two mph, so I did my best to keep the wheel straight and drove.

At one point, I was so scared, I cried out through my wailing, “I DON’T WANNA DIE!” and asked Holy Spirit to help me drive. Obviously, He did because I made it home safely.

All I wanted to do was make it home.

Just like any other job, sometimes, you have your bad days, and yesterday was a bad day at work. From being talked to about something out of my control to being talked at through… It was, almost, unbearable.

Without Jesus, I don’t know how I would’ve handled it all. I really don’t understand how people live without Him. I would never choose to go back to that life.

But my breakdown…it was so intense. During it, I cried out a few things:

“WHY ARE PEOPLE SO MEAN!”
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
“I CAN’T HANDLE THIS”
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
etc.

I’m so glad God was there with me. Had I not known that, I doubt I’d be here writing right now.

In the past, I’ve never really given grief too much thought, and now that I’m dancing with it, I look forward to the times when we sit out a song or two. MAYBE, someday, I’ll understand it, but for now, I’ll just live through it.

“Delete”

sometimes people hear what they want to hear
and only see what they want to see

words can be damaging
whether spoken or written
and when people speak or write from darkness
it’s a conduit for pain

I can’t imagine being mean to someone
who just lost a loved one
but honestly
I bet it happens all the time

my heart goes out to all those affected
by other people’s opinions
during times of mourning

whether your mourning the loss of your mother
or maybe mourning the loss of a friendship
an ability
a dream
an opportunity

just like grief has no boundaries
neither does loss
and both are individually tailored
to fit one’s internal wiring

thank God for those who stand with you
and fight for you
because if it was up to me alone right now
I wouldn’t be writing this

I’d be cowering away somewhere
afraid to speak
afraid to write
afraid to reach out for help

what other people think of me
is NONE of my business
I truly believe that
and God’s giving me plenty opportunities
to prove how I believe

the good thing about darkness being spread
through written words is
they only have power
if you read them

“Happy Endings”

she lives her life in light
glancing at the darkness behind her

if she never shares where she’s been
they’ll never know where she’s come from
what God’s brought her through

living can be as simple as sharing
sharing can be as simple as living

boldness comes through the piercing of the heart
with the love of heaven striking through

love
not sex
but love

God is love
love is God

how long had she been confused?
years and years
tormenting her body
her heart
her mind

but one moment in time
changed the course she was on
and slowly but surely
it developed

a relationship with Him
living in Him
for Him
to Him

HE’s the one who wooed her to church
HE’s the one who listened to her prayers
it was HIM who led her to AA
through the steps
clearing the way for HIM
to enter in entirely

and all along the way
as she made mistakes
He waited lovingly with arms opened wide
embracing her as she returned
loving her deeply through it all

why?
why did God put up with her? she wondered
and in gentle moments He explained

“I know what the ending looks like” He said
“who you are isn’t who you’ll be”

THAT keeps Him patient
THAT keeps Him constant
THAT keeps her holding on
for what she’ll truly be

Be Vulnerable!

Do you know a reason why relationships are important? Because we have the opportunity to LEARN from each other’s mistakes, and the good thing about learning from other people’s mistakes is that the consequences don’t affect you.

I can’t even tell you how many girls come into the treatment center with the thought of stripping for a living, and then they hear my story and change their minds. Do you know how powerful that is!

We have the power to change people’s minds from losing their lives to darkness!

Never be afraid to be vulnerable and share where you’ve been because it might save someone’s life around you. Not everybody will live through the pain you’ve endured.

Experience, Strength, and Hope

Last night, I had a BLAST speaking at the recovery meeting!

Every time I share my story, I never know what’s going to happen because I leave that up to God. I don’t plan anything; I just show up, open my mouth, and let His Spirit flow through me, and in the end, I hope that “someone” was touched by His words, and at the end of the meeting last night, I met who that someone was.

About twenty minutes before the meeting, a woman from the East Coast had made the last minute decision to go. She believes her recent trip to Harlingen, a drive over 1800 miles long, was to hear God speak through me at that meeting. What an honor is that! I just love the extreme God goes to to chase after “the one.”

When I think about what I shared, it was all about God. I talked about the mess I was without Him, my seeking Him for the kids, my finding Him, and my walking through Him in recovery. It was amazing!

My life is not my own.

If my life was my own, I’d be mourning my mother every moment of every day, but I don’t. I stay focused on Him and the life I’m leading and let the grief come and go wave by wave, and let me tell you: it comes at the weirdest times.

Last night, after the meeting, some friends came over for Carolyn’s yummy spaghetti, and after we ate, a few of us went to a late night showing of “Avengers: Infinity War.”

During one of the scenes where they were fighting, I had a vision of my mom when she’d kissed me in the hospital bed a bunch of times (without her teeth). Is that not the strangest timing for me to remember her! Anyway, another weird thing happened in that movie theater.

I’m a crier at movies…very emotional (at the drop of a hat), but last night was “different.”

As sad parts happened and I heard sniffles all around me, I sat there stone-cold…no emotion, and I wondered if it was because real death was so near me that fake death seemed far away. I don’t know. All I know is that not one scene affected me emotionally.

If I really want to know where I stand with that, I guess could watch a tearjerker and see what happens, but it’s not that important to me. I’m just very grateful for last night: the speaking; the yummy food; the fellowship; and the movie with friends.

THAT’s what recovery’s about, and that’s what living’s all about, too!

“Where I’m At”

I feel like everything I’m doing now
I was born to do

when I write
something happens inside
like a spiritual birth
every time
and I walk away renewed

when I dance
I feel like I’m moving in heaven
free of thought
free of life
free to be me

when I work with women
I feel like every trauma I’ve been through
is their hope
because I’m on the other side
I’m grateful for all that I’ve been through

as a mother
I’m rewarded every moment
of every day
thoughts of my kids and grand baby
fill my heart

when I work with silk
I really feel like I know what I’m doing
even as I learn
like it was meant for me to do
and meant for me to create

when I speak
I feel like people listen
like really listen
and when they walk away
they’ve held on to what they needed

when I laugh
love overflows
into everyone around me
and when I cry
I think the same thing happens

I feel like I was born to do
everything I’m doing now

Regretting the Past

“Don’t regret the past!”; I hear that time and time again, but you know what? I DO have something in my past I regret: not taking the time to visit my mom BEFORE she got sick.

When I found out she wasn’t doing well, I “finally” drove out there to see her, but by the time I got there, she was a different woman.

The mom I saw wasn’t the mom I remembered, yet now, it’s the only memory I have. At any given moment, when I think about her, I see her slumped in the hospital bed, struggling to breath, barely able to speak.

IMG_20180422_112020_233

That’s the memory I have now.

As I walk through the healing of all this, I plan to write, so I hope you’re ready to read.

If you’d like to help me cremate her, click here.