About me

| Laura Lee Bonde

This website is no longer accurate. It tells of a woman who used to live in California. When I moved to Texas, I began to change, and I’m still changing.

The business I created was one that was founded on God. I have since walked away from Him. I live my life differently now. I still want to make flags, but they won’t be as holy as everyone thinks.

Today, they’d be more like dancing flags or meditation flags. I’m not so sure about worship flags. Maybe for you, they will be.

Starting next year, I intend to get back to sewing…back to creating, but for now, I seem to be doing a lot of homework still.

On December 15, I will graduate with a master’s degree in social work, and I am VERY excited about that!!!

“had she known…”

| Laura Lee Bonde

She has unknown trauma that was triggered by unspeakable acts
Trauma she thought she had worked through yet lingered in the depths of her soul

There it was, staring her in the face from the inside, clawing at her memories and what was happening around her

There was nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
The only way to move forward was to push through

One by one, they ravaged her like animals
Like SHE was an animal
Forced to enjoy what was never planned out

At any moment, it would end (or so she thought)…but it didn’t

The door kept opening
Everything kept happening
In the dark

How could she end up here and be who she was? How could she be worth so little? Or maybe this was what she wanted

Maybe the trauma was calling it, feeding it, putting up with it until…it was done

The degrading
The disrespect
The question “how did you like it”

Finally, it was over, the words came out in tears, her worth stripped away with her dignity. All that was left was a lesson

“The Color Of My Skin”

| Laura Lee Bonde

I’m white, so I don’t know what you’re going through
but I know I care
anything I say won’t matter
so I’m not sure what I can do

if I could live my life as a black woman
to show you that I care, I would
but it doesn’t work that way

I’m not sorry I’m white
but I’m sorry some people are racist
I’m sorry people use power against others
I’m sorry death is a result
I’m sorry for your pain

nobody asked to be born a certain way
we’re just thrown into this game called life
it seems to me that peace would be a win
but how do we get there?

if you look through history
riots brought on change
change that was needed
for some, it’s the only way to be heard
for others, we may never know

every moment of life is a part of history
just some moments leave a lasting effect
I wonder what kind of changes
these moments will make

It’s been a while

| Laura Lee Bonde

It’s been so long, I can’t even remember how long it’s been since I wrote on here.

You see, in 2018, I started my journey in online college courses and earned a bachelor’s degree in social work. In 2022, I graduated.

In 2020, I had breast cancer and kind of hated both worlds: physical and spiritual. I still wrote though.

In 2021, something happened that you’ll have to read in my book (it’s coming out next year).

And also in 2022, I began my journey in online classes to earn a master’s degree in social work, and that’s what’s eating up my time now, but I’m in the middle of homework, and something triggered a memory that I HAVE to get out, and I thought, “Where is it safe to write this?”

I used to write on Facebook, but that comes with a lot of judgment and unwanted therapy. I used to write on here, too, but somehow…just forgot. Well, here I am, and here it goes.

When I was a teenager, about the age of 16, I was living with my mom, who was a drug deeler/drug user. One time, I remember lying in bed, awake, but unable to move, and her boyfriend was having oral sex with me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. All I could do was lie there. Allthewhile, I heard my mother in the other room.

Did she know? I’ll never know. She passed away in 2018. I never would’ve asked her anyway. Like, who wants to know that!

Anyway, the most shameful part of it all was I enjoyed the feeling, and when I came out of it, I continued to have a relationship with him. Isn’t that disgusting? Anyway, that thought came up in the homework I was doing because the subject was about substances and date rape drugs were listed. I wonder what was used on me.

I went through life thinking that that and many other things like that that happened to me were my fault. I’m 51 years old now. I don’t believe that anymore, but still…some things come up in my mind and make me feel like shit. This was one of them.

Thanks for listening…

The skeletons of my past

| Laura Lee Bonde

A friend asked me to make a wish list on Amazon and ordered everything on it. Let me tell you a little about him.

He first met me when I was a senior in high school. This was when I was emancipated, before I had to drop out.

He knew me in my stripping days, when I was up to no good. I think it was during that time we lost contact.

Well, recently, he found me on Facebook. At first, I was a little scared because he knows some of those skeletons in my closet, but I quickly learned that he wanted to be friends again.

When he offered to buy me some things, it was hard for me to think of what I needed, of what I wanted. As I added some things, one item was pretty pricey. Again, it was a “wish” list, so I wasn’t sure what he would buy.

When he contacted me yesterday to tell me he bought it all, I was floored. I even sent him a message that I didn’t know what to say. He responded with this:

“I know where you came from and I see the transformation to who you are today!!”

It’s still ovewhelming to me.

I’m glad he knew me then and sees me now. I hope we don’t lose contact this time.

“the Calm”

| Laura Lee Bonde

right now
I’m calm
even though I’m feeling
I’m calm
and in this calm
is where I need to be
so I will do my best
not to disrupt this calm
as I make decisions
as I run errands
as I live my life to the fullest it can be

this calm is the center of God’s heart

When mourning is normal

| Laura Lee Bonde

Writing is my escape.
It’s how I get through things.
And yet, it’s been hard for me to write.

You see, when I write, I’m honest, and it’s hard for me to be honest with what I’m going through, with how I’m feeling.

Kyle posted something on my FB today that reminded me it’s okay to feel what I feel, as I navigate through this battle with cancer.

While I’m on hold, I considered going back to work, but to be honest, it’s difficult to even get out of bed, and when I do, I can’t seem to get off the couch.

On Monday, when I found out there was more cancer in my breast, I sank even deeper in sadness because I know what this means.

Last week, the doctor told me that he could not leave my breast on if they found more. It would be too hard for him to get it all cut out and still leave a breast, so I know what this new result means.

On Monday, I had a couple breakdowns. I know I’ll be okay. I know God’s got me. I know it’s “just a boob.” And I also know that it devastates me.

Lately, I feel like every time I talk about how I’m feeling, people try to bring me up, but if I’m always lifted up, I won’t be able to work through what I’m feeling, so I’ve kept quiet because I feel like I need to mourn.

I’m mourning the loss of my breast.
I’m mourning the loss of my muscle.
I’m mourning the loss of who I thought I would always be.

A common thing I hear is “don’t let it change you,” but I don’t know how to stop it. I feel like I’m already changing. Will I get my “me” back? We’ll have to wait and see.

I’m talking with the plastic surgeon.
I’m waiting for the cancer surgeon.
And I’m going to go bug the oncologist today because I want answers.

It’s in those hidden places where fear creeps in. I mean, look at the coronavirus. People don’t know, so they’re freaking out. It’s kinda like what I’m going through. Welcome to my new normal.

Now, it’s a mastectomy…

| Laura Lee Bonde

Well, last Wednesday, I was in the hospital, waiting for the lumpectomy surgery, but when the surgeon came in, he had different news for me.

He told me radiology discovered other areas in my right breast that raised concerns. He said, if these areas were cancerous, he would need to do the mastectomy.

Before leaving the room, he asked me to consider which option I wanted: a mastectomy and be flat; a mastectomy and have an implant; a mastectomy and have muscle/fat transferred from another area of my body. Then, he left.

That same day, I had a stereotactic biopsy done. On Monday, those results came back cancerous. Now, I wait to see the surgeon on Monday.

More waiting. My favorite.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at. So, it’s hard for me to be honest about this part, but since hardly anyone visits this site, I’ll be honest here.

I have the most sensitive nipples. They’ve brought me much enjoyment through my life, and my right one is the most sensitive. To lose this sensitivity seems an added sadness right now.

To carry on through life without that enjoyment seems devastating to me. I used to be a sex addict. Or at least, I was addicted to finding my worth through sex. I’m not that way now, but sex is definitely important to me, which brings me to another thing.

There’s a part of me that wants to have sex right now before my body changes, but I don’t have anyone in my life to do that with. It may sound silly, but the other day, it was a very heavy thought.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at with all of this. And, with everything going on in my right breast, it makes me wonder about my left one. Is it possibly to only have it in one? I guess we’ll find out.