Regretting the Past

“Don’t regret the past!”; I hear that time and time again, but you know what? I DO have something in my past I regret: not taking the time to visit my mom BEFORE she got sick.

When I found out she wasn’t doing well, I “finally” drove out there to see her, but by the time I got there, she was a different woman.

The mom I saw wasn’t the mom I remembered, yet now, it’s the only memory I have. At any given moment, when I think about her, I see her slumped in the hospital bed, struggling to breath, barely able to speak.

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That’s the memory I have now.

As I walk through the healing of all this, I plan to write, so I hope you’re ready to read.

If you’d like to help me cremate her, click here.

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The Day My Mom Died

For some reason, I’ve been wanting to write about the day my mom passed away (April 25th), so here it goes.

That Wednesday morning, I was called into work early, which was a Godsend.

During my shift, I taught a class, and at the end of the class, I read the poem I’d written a few days before. Afterward, I cried, and fifteen minutes later, my mom ended up dying, yet I didn’t know about it then.

A couple hours later, I received the call from my aunt. All I remember was her saying my mom had died a couple hours earlier. Instantly, I felt my heart drain and began to cry.

As I got off the phone, I wondered if I could handle completing my shift, but as I walked into the office to tell my boss, I KNEW I had to leave. ALL I wanted to do was go home and cry.

Right away, all the girls around me knew what had happened, and as I made my way to the door to leave, everyone lined up to hug me, even the maids, and every hug I received was one I needed so deeply. At times, I felt myself falling deeper into their arms.

One girl walked me out, and as we hugged again, she asked, “Are you okay to drive?” I told her, “Yeah, I’ll stop and get a soda.” We both laughed, but then, as I cried even harder, I leaned against the post and asked God to help me.

A mile down the road, I stopped for that soda and wanted something cherry, but wouldn’t you know it, they didn’t have anything cherry, so I cried a little harder and left.

I sent Carolyn a text, asking if I could pull her out of school. She said yes, so all I had between us was an hour drive. (sigh)

On the way, I was never alone. Of course, God was with me, but also, I stayed on the phone with someone, almost the whole way.

When I picked up Carolyn, immediately, she had me laughing. At times, the laughter turned into tears or the tears turned into laughter. She was so confused: she didn’t know if I was laughing or crying! We headed to Panda Express to order our takeout.

At home, we watched Netflix and ate (and I cried). It was perfect, but later in the night, I told her how I REALLY wanted something cherry, so we went to the store.

As we walked passed the liquor aisle, I said, “We’re so lucky I don’t drink anymore!” I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like if I did.

Anyway, at the end of the night, when exhaustion set in and the tears stopped flowing, we went to sleep.

I’m sure we all walk through grief differently. This was just a look into mine.

When People Die

For some reason, ever since mom passed away, I really wanted flowers, so today, I finally went and bought some.

I guess you’d imagine that I’d get her favorite flower, but I have no idea what that was, so I bought my favorite color (yellow) and my favorite smell (carnations) and combined the two.

As I stood in line to pay, Continue reading

Grieving

Before you start reading, I want to let you know: this will be a sad one because, today, I’m writing for my personal healing and have already been crying, so you know…

The other night, I got to go to The Prelude again. It’d been a while, and I thought I hadn’t gone because my life had changed, and I’d been pretty busy working, leaving my husband, and starting a new life with my daughter, but as it turns out, something more had been keeping me from there, or should I say, some”one”… Continue reading

It’s never too late to grow up!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had bad credit, yet I’ve never owned a credit card. My low standing has always been from no credit (which is sometimes worse) and outstanding hospital bills and such. Well, the bill part’s been paid off for awhile, but the no credit part has always lingered.

From time to time, I’d apply for different credit opportunities at “Victoria Secret,” “Discount Tire,” “Target,” etc., and ever time, I was declined, and I’ve never really needed to do anything about it, until recently.

Back in December, I had the chance to go to New York with Kyle, but I had to buy my own plane tickets. Well, that wasn’t going to happen because I continually live paycheck to paycheck. Thankfully, a friend of mine put the tickets on her credit card, and I’m paying her back, but it got me thinking, “I need to work on my credit, just in case things like this come up,” so I made a vow to myself to do just that.

In January, I looked online for ways to bring up your credit score, and time and time again, I saw that it was helpful to have a credit card, so I put my thoughts on the back burner, until last week, when my bank sent me an email.

In the email, they said I could, now, check my credit score through my account. When I clicked on the link, I found my credit score was in the red, a whopping 557 (those of you who know about credit scores know that that’s a low one). Upon seeing that number, I emailed the bank about my chances of obtaining a credit card.

After being forwarded three times, I was told that the credit application process would go through a third party and that the bank wouldn’t have any say so in the matter, so I’d given up, but then, something changed.

That night, after my shift (at ten of clock at night), I decided, “What the hay, Laura! Just try it!”, so I went online and applied, and within seconds, I was approved for my very first credit card ever!

It has a limit of five hundred dollars and will be used for gas, and every month, I’ll set aside my gas money to pay it off. In no time at all, I’ll have credit in the green, instead of in the red.

Anyway, there’s my “growing up” story for you! I wanted to share it with you but wanted to have the card in hand FIRST!!20180220_105021

Sexual Misconduct

With everything going on in the news, it’s made me wonder: why haven’t “I” ever come forward with the names of those who hurt me?

The only reason I’ve come up with is that it’s because I’ve been healed from everything, but still, many things happened…many.

Like the time I was sixteen, when the manager at Burger King told me to sleep with him or I’d be out of a job, I lost my job.

Or when shortly after that, a forty year old man seduced me for months…I didn’t know any better. If you aren’t raised right, chances are, you’re not going to choose right. Anyway, there’s more. Continue reading

Death of Friends

You know, because of my consistency of not writing on here, I’m not even sure anyone knows about my friends who passed away.

Rob Johnson, who was my best friend here in Harlingen, overdosed on Heroin in May and passed away in June. He never regained consciousness. He was thirty-three.

And Lee, my beautiful homeless friend who didn’t die homeless, died of unknown reasons in early October. They haven’t found his family yet, and if they don’t, they’ll let me claim him and send me his ashes.

Both of them knew how much I loved them. I’m so happy for that!

I’m Back…

Just so you know, this post’ll have a lot of emotion, so if you don’t want to “feel,” scroll on.

I’m tired: I’m tired of hiding my website; I’m tired of hiding from certain people on Facebook; I’m tired of a lot of things, but as I sit here in tears, unable to stop, I’ll write because that’s how I get through things best. Continue reading

I got another job!

I say “another” job because making flags is my first job (although, not everyone in my life considers it one).

A few days ago, I started working as a Recovery Advocate at Origins, a treatment center on South Padre Island!