breast cancer

The skeletons of my past

| Laura Lee Bonde

A friend asked me to make a wish list on Amazon and ordered everything on it. Let me tell you a little about him.

He first met me when I was a senior in high school. This was when I was emancipated, before I had to drop out.

He knew me in my stripping days, when I was up to no good. I think it was during that time we lost contact.

Well, recently, he found me on Facebook. At first, I was a little scared because he knows some of those skeletons in my closet, but I quickly learned that he wanted to be friends again.

When he offered to buy me some things, it was hard for me to think of what I needed, of what I wanted. As I added some things, one item was pretty pricey. Again, it was a “wish” list, so I wasn’t sure what he would buy.

When he contacted me yesterday to tell me he bought it all, I was floored. I even sent him a message that I didn’t know what to say. He responded with this:

“I know where you came from and I see the transformation to who you are today!!”

It’s still ovewhelming to me.

I’m glad he knew me then and sees me now. I hope we don’t lose contact this time.

“the Calm”

| Laura Lee Bonde

right now
I’m calm
even though I’m feeling
I’m calm
and in this calm
is where I need to be
so I will do my best
not to disrupt this calm
as I make decisions
as I run errands
as I live my life to the fullest it can be

this calm is the center of God’s heart

When mourning is normal

| Laura Lee Bonde

Writing is my escape.
It’s how I get through things.
And yet, it’s been hard for me to write.

You see, when I write, I’m honest, and it’s hard for me to be honest with what I’m going through, with how I’m feeling.

Kyle posted something on my FB today that reminded me it’s okay to feel what I feel, as I navigate through this battle with cancer.

While I’m on hold, I considered going back to work, but to be honest, it’s difficult to even get out of bed, and when I do, I can’t seem to get off the couch.

On Monday, when I found out there was more cancer in my breast, I sank even deeper in sadness because I know what this means.

Last week, the doctor told me that he could not leave my breast on if they found more. It would be too hard for him to get it all cut out and still leave a breast, so I know what this new result means.

On Monday, I had a couple breakdowns. I know I’ll be okay. I know God’s got me. I know it’s “just a boob.” And I also know that it devastates me.

Lately, I feel like every time I talk about how I’m feeling, people try to bring me up, but if I’m always lifted up, I won’t be able to work through what I’m feeling, so I’ve kept quiet because I feel like I need to mourn.

I’m mourning the loss of my breast.
I’m mourning the loss of my muscle.
I’m mourning the loss of who I thought I would always be.

A common thing I hear is “don’t let it change you,” but I don’t know how to stop it. I feel like I’m already changing. Will I get my “me” back? We’ll have to wait and see.

I’m talking with the plastic surgeon.
I’m waiting for the cancer surgeon.
And I’m going to go bug the oncologist today because I want answers.

It’s in those hidden places where fear creeps in. I mean, look at the coronavirus. People don’t know, so they’re freaking out. It’s kinda like what I’m going through. Welcome to my new normal.

Now, it’s a mastectomy…

| Laura Lee Bonde

Well, last Wednesday, I was in the hospital, waiting for the lumpectomy surgery, but when the surgeon came in, he had different news for me.

He told me radiology discovered other areas in my right breast that raised concerns. He said, if these areas were cancerous, he would need to do the mastectomy.

Before leaving the room, he asked me to consider which option I wanted: a mastectomy and be flat; a mastectomy and have an implant; a mastectomy and have muscle/fat transferred from another area of my body. Then, he left.

That same day, I had a stereotactic biopsy done. On Monday, those results came back cancerous. Now, I wait to see the surgeon on Monday.

More waiting. My favorite.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at. So, it’s hard for me to be honest about this part, but since hardly anyone visits this site, I’ll be honest here.

I have the most sensitive nipples. They’ve brought me much enjoyment through my life, and my right one is the most sensitive. To lose this sensitivity seems an added sadness right now.

To carry on through life without that enjoyment seems devastating to me. I used to be a sex addict. Or at least, I was addicted to finding my worth through sex. I’m not that way now, but sex is definitely important to me, which brings me to another thing.

There’s a part of me that wants to have sex right now before my body changes, but I don’t have anyone in my life to do that with. It may sound silly, but the other day, it was a very heavy thought.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at with all of this. And, with everything going on in my right breast, it makes me wonder about my left one. Is it possibly to only have it in one? I guess we’ll find out.

 

 

From my oldest son…

| Laura Lee Bonde

Mom,

You are happy. Correction you are happiness. You create happiness for so many people around you. The influence you have is spread wide, and your love fills the hearts of so many people. Cancer will not define you; beating cancer will impact you. You will be stronger. You will be brighter. You will be able to impact more people than we ever thought. And yet; you will be Laura, you will be Mom, you will be you still. Negative emotions are apart of this just as they are in life but don’t let that make you think less of yourself. You deserve to feel all the emotions that come with it. There’s no need to fight it. We all know you will be stronger(again not sure how that’s even possible) so just go ahead and laugh. We all need your laugh.

I love you.

“Contentment”

| Laura Lee Bonde

you know what I’ve realized?
I’m normal for “me”
no one can walk through this
like I am
and I can’t walk through it
like anyone else

we’re all different
all
unique

I’m grateful for my ups and downs
because I’m learning to work through them
the challenge I have
is to “feel” without judging myself

easier said than done

my poor counselor
I feel like he keeps having to repeat himself
but it seems like in between seeing him
I forget
but today
he said I’m doing much better!

my walk is mine
my look is mine
my nature is mine
and I’m pretty happy with it

Radiation isn’t that scary after all

| Laura Lee Bonde

So, leading up to today was pretty scary but walking though it was very hopeful.

Believe it or not, the oncologist (Dr. Sarhill) had good news for me. First off, he was very straightforward and to the point. Before I could ask any questions, he had answered a lot.

By his observation, he believes I’m at Stage 1 (maybe Stage 2). We won’t know until they test the tumor.

After the lumpectomy and testing, I have two choices.

1. Have a mastectomy and be done with it,
or
2. Have radiation 5 days a week for 6 weeks, which would start mid April.

So far, I’m going for option 2. The radiation isn’t like it used to be, so I’ll be able to work through treatments.

I cannot tell you the silent worry I had going into this appointment. All of that worry was washed away by the knowledge that came out of his mouth. I just needed to hear it.

I’m finally excited to get this journey on to the next step!