Month: February 2020

Hidden

| Laura Lee Bonde

every time I think I’ve found me
she’s gone again
and then I’m challenged
to be the me that people see
but what does that look like?

at times, I break down crying
tired of moving forward
but won’t stand still
is that the me they wanna see?

at times, I act as if nothing’s wrong
hiding inside so no one will see
what I’m thinking
what I’m feeling
how I’m doing
is that the me they wanna see?

at times, I think I’m silly
for ever worrying about anything
that the me I’m supposed to be
shouldn’t do that
is that the me they wanna see?

I used to wake up smiling
ready to tackle the day
now, I just stare at nothing
and wonder how I’ll get up
is that the me they wanna see?

when I think about me
I think about God
and how deep inside His heart I am
that’s the me that everyone sees

but she feels
she doubts
she cries
she disconnects
she wonders
she overcomes
she loves
all inside His beautiful heart
where she finds herself
every day

Tunnels

| Laura Lee Bonde

there’s light
there’s always been light
it just seems like some tunnels
are longer than others

when I think back
as I’ve gone through stuff
I’ve always felt through it
and that’s been okay

there’re some super supernatural folks
who calmly walk
through the valley of death
seemingly unscathed
but some people feel out loud
all the way through

that’d be me

but I’m glad I feel
and I’m glad I write
because unbeknownst to me
my writing sometimes touches people
in their innermost being
in places only God could see
until now

I think it’s okay to get mad and frustrated
I think it’s okay to be scared
yet the words ‘fear no evil’
prove me wrong
yet I’m still a little freaked out

but through it all
I never think of drinking
I don’t want anxiety meds
heck, I don’t even want sex
the counselor ruined that for me
he taught me my worth
so now I’ll be picky

I know I’m not alone
I know God is with me
I know many are praying
maybe that’s why I’m crying
and breaking down in mid thought
because I’m surrounded by love
in the midst of fear

Radiation

| Laura Lee Bonde

Well
I had a pretty intense
falling apart moment
one that made everything
seem wrong

I’m scared
I’m unsure
I feel lost
yet I know where I’m going
I feel like I wanna cry
on God’s lap
but “feel” Him holding me

you know how a toddler
will drop to the floor
with that dead-weight
because they don’t wanna move?

that’s how I feel
yet God keeps me
light as a feather
so I can’t stop moving forward

Step by Step

| Laura Lee Bonde

On March 11th, I’ll have a lumpectomy.

He’ll take out the tumor and a few lymph nodes to have tested.

Immediately, I start radiation.

If results come back positive for the lymph nodes, I’ll need chemo.

He’s trying to save my boob.

He put me on Vitamin E and Evening Oil of Primrose.

No coffee, tea, soda, energy drinks, or chocolate.

 

Shadows

| Laura Lee Bonde

This morning, I couldn’t wait to dance with God at church!

While dancing, there was no fear about tomorrow’s appointment. There were very few thoughts of cancer whatsoever. Apart from that time, it’s been pretty constant.

It’s not constant in a way that I’m dreading it or anything. The thoughts are constant in the way they sporadically come on a regular basis.

Being scared has been sort of normal. And it doesn’t mean I’m not trusting God.

I have a lot to learn about my diet, this growth, the surgery plans, my energy, and unfortunately, I don’t believe it’ll all be answered tomorrow, so I’ll focus on what God answered today.

Today, as I was dancing, I saw the shadow of my flag on the floor. As I danced with the flag, the shadow moved. It felt like God was telling me that this cancer was but a shadow.

If I choose to give up, I’m sure the shadow would grow, but if I choose to fight, the shadow will move.

I’m a warrior, a queen.
I will not stop living, but I also will not stop writing how I feel.

“hopes or wishes”

| Laura Lee Bonde

I think the best way to mourn the dead
is to spend time with the living
after all
death often brings one closer
to life

now more than ever
life has gained value
and importance
things that used to be priority
have shifted down the list
moments that’ve been pushed aside
have risen to the top

I have no fear of dying
but I have sadness knowing what the kids would endure
if I died
that gives me more determination
to live

today, we celebrated the life of a great man
one who lost the battle to cancer
one who I could feel in my breast

I wonder how many times he was told
“it’s gonna be okay”

Commanding the body

| Laura Lee Bonde

As I was listening to worship music on the way to work yesterday, this prayer came out.

It was like, out of nowhere, something snapped.

I had a very stearn talk with the cells, tissue, and muscle in my body and told them they needed to contain this shit, until the doctor can get it out! (Yes, I said shit in my prayer. It happens sometime.)

I also reminded everything in my body who was Boss and told them God gave them specific instructions on how to keep me healthy and they better GET TO WORK!

Then, I had a talk with joy.

I told joy how I realized it was buried and that it better rise up and overflow!!

Anyway, yesterday, I didn’t breakdown once.

I love you all!

Fighting To Win

| Laura Lee Bonde

If you think I’m sulking and falling apart, you’re wrong. But I’m definitely still “feeling” and probably will throughout this whole journey.

Yesterday, I reminded myself that this is a wonderful opportunity for growth. And just like with growth, there’ll be pain along the way.

And yes, I’ve still found excitement through this.

I’m excited to learn, so I’ll be better equipped to be there for those women God puts in my life, so I can help them through it. And for that, I am excited!

I know about rape and sexual assault and how no matter how hard you scrub in the shower, it will never come off. That’s what cancer feels like, so when a woman says it feels like rape, I’ll understand.

Understanding one another is key to being able to help one another. I don’t know why that makes a difference, but it does.

I know that yearning feeling of wishing I was in love, so that someone could hold me with intent.

I’m learning what not to say and how to be there for someone.

I’ve ordered my new sheets and will be getting a mattress pad to make my bed more comfy, just in case I need to spend a lot of time in it.

I’ll be able to help prepare someone to make their journey just a little bit easier.

This IS an opportunity for growth, and I’m ceasing it!!

Yes, I’ll be writing as I go through things, but never miss that important part…”as I GO THROUGH things.”

I never stop walking. I just like to talk while I walk. #cancersucks