The Nicest Dentist in the World

I have to share with you how nice my dentist is.

First of all, he’s been with me through everything because it’s taken so long to get my teeth perfect.

He was there through the mammogram. He was there through the MRI. He was there through the biopsy. And when I went to see him on Wednesday, he was there to hear about the cancer, and it looked like it broke his heart.

I was leaned back in the chair, and he was adjusting my teeth. All of a sudden, I started bawling. He thought he might’ve done something. That’s when I told him I found out I had cancer. He let me gather myself, then finished with my teeth.

Yesterday, after he put the finished set in my mouth and handed me the mirror, he asked how they felt. I told him, “Weird.” He explained it would take time and that he wanted to see me next week to keep track how they fit in my mouth. Then, he said the sweetest thing.

He said, “As you go through this treatment, your weight will fluctuate and your teeth won’t fit right. Come back whenever you need to, and I’ll adjust them or realign them for you for free. I’ll make sure they fit you.” Isn’t that the nicest thing!

I’m grateful God placed that dentist in my life, and I’m grateful He had him there for the different steps along the way.

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So, I Have Cancer

Well, yesterday, it was confirmed that I have breast cancer. Now, I wait until Monday to find out how we’re going to treat it.

I walked into the doctor’s office at 2:30 PM with a blood pressure of 122/75. When I got to my next appointment at the dentist (at 3:10 PM), it was 149/98. As of no surprise, I was a little anxious.

Since then, I do well when I’m busy, but when I’m not, when I have a moment to think, I breakdown a little. As a matter of fact, I cried myself to sleep last night.

Apparently, the results were known on the 12th, but I didn’t receive them till yesterday. I’m sort of glad of that.

What’s next? Writing. I’m not really doing well, so I’m going to write about it because that’s how I process things best.

Have you ever been in an uncomfortable situation and walked out?
Have you ever met that annoying person and walked away?
Have you ever tasted something nasty and spit it out?

Well, this is like being in an uncomfortable place, but you can’t leave. It’s like being chained to that annoying person. It’s like having to eat something disgusting. It’s like having something evil inside of you, yet you can’t get away from it.

It is NOT a good feeling. AND, those aren’t the only feelings I’ve been experiencing. Here’re some more.

Guilt – because I haven’t maintained a healthy diet, so my cells aren’t as empowered as they could be.
Shame – because of all the men I’ve let touch my breasts, my body.
Fear – because I don’t flippin know the road ahead (but I’ll keep moving forward).
Disgust – because I feel dirty with cancer inside me.
Sadness – because I’m sad.

Those are just some of the things I’ve been feeling. I’m sure they’ll be more, but as they say, “Life goes on, so I need to get over it.” …easier said then done.

Anyway, I need to get to work. Pray I don’t breakdown until after work.

Thank you all for supporting me through the time you’ve known me, and thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts!

I don’t mean to complain

Sometimes, I feel like it’s not safe to write about anything personal anymore.

As I’m walking through this cancer scare, I’ve been sharing my feelings pretty openly yet holding back the really deep stuff.

Most people tell me don’t worry. Another handful tell me that God is in control. And some tell me to quit complaining.

It’s not my intent to complain. I just write what’s going on. And what’s going on isn’t the easiest thing for me.

One of my petpeaves is when people pretend to know me without getting to know me. I’m here.

I’m real.

And I’m not looking forward to this part of the journey, but I’m excited for all the other parts.

 

I Might Have Cancer

Well, this morning’s biobsy was another adventure.

At first, they couldn’t find anything. They had the measurements but couldn’t see anything. While they went to discuss things, I was left in the room and cried.

You know what? Crying is normal and so is sadness. My counselor has been coaching me on how to feel sadness without shame or guilt, so this morning, I felt sad and cried.

I knew God was with with me and always will be, but in those moments of self and fear, I seem to feel deeply.
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