Well, yesterday, it was confirmed that I have breast cancer. Now, I wait until Monday to find out how we’re going to treat it.
I walked into the doctor’s office at 2:30 PM with a blood pressure of 122/75. When I got to my next appointment at the dentist (at 3:10 PM), it was 149/98. As of no surprise, I was a little anxious.
Since then, I do well when I’m busy, but when I’m not, when I have a moment to think, I breakdown a little. As a matter of fact, I cried myself to sleep last night.
Apparently, the results were known on the 12th, but I didn’t receive them till yesterday. I’m sort of glad of that.
What’s next? Writing. I’m not really doing well, so I’m going to write about it because that’s how I process things best.
Have you ever been in an uncomfortable situation and walked out?
Have you ever met that annoying person and walked away?
Have you ever tasted something nasty and spit it out?
Well, this is like being in an uncomfortable place, but you can’t leave. It’s like being chained to that annoying person. It’s like having to eat something disgusting. It’s like having something evil inside of you, yet you can’t get away from it.
It is NOT a good feeling. AND, those aren’t the only feelings I’ve been experiencing. Here’re some more.
Guilt – because I haven’t maintained a healthy diet, so my cells aren’t as empowered as they could be.
Shame – because of all the men I’ve let touch my breasts, my body.
Fear – because I don’t flippin know the road ahead (but I’ll keep moving forward).
Disgust – because I feel dirty with cancer inside me.
Sadness – because I’m sad.
Those are just some of the things I’ve been feeling. I’m sure they’ll be more, but as they say, “Life goes on, so I need to get over it.” …easier said then done.
Anyway, I need to get to work. Pray I don’t breakdown until after work.
Thank you all for supporting me through the time you’ve known me, and thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts!
One thought on “So, I Have Cancer”
Give yourself grace — the road ahead is difficult. A cancer diagnosis is very personal and it is ok to cry. There are a whirlwind of emotions that accompany it, which you are bravely sharing through your posts. I will keep praying for you.
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