fear

When mourning is normal

| Laura Lee Bonde

Writing is my escape.
It’s how I get through things.
And yet, it’s been hard for me to write.

You see, when I write, I’m honest, and it’s hard for me to be honest with what I’m going through, with how I’m feeling.

Kyle posted something on my FB today that reminded me it’s okay to feel what I feel, as I navigate through this battle with cancer.

While I’m on hold, I considered going back to work, but to be honest, it’s difficult to even get out of bed, and when I do, I can’t seem to get off the couch.

On Monday, when I found out there was more cancer in my breast, I sank even deeper in sadness because I know what this means.

Last week, the doctor told me that he could not leave my breast on if they found more. It would be too hard for him to get it all cut out and still leave a breast, so I know what this new result means.

On Monday, I had a couple breakdowns. I know I’ll be okay. I know God’s got me. I know it’s “just a boob.” And I also know that it devastates me.

Lately, I feel like every time I talk about how I’m feeling, people try to bring me up, but if I’m always lifted up, I won’t be able to work through what I’m feeling, so I’ve kept quiet because I feel like I need to mourn.

I’m mourning the loss of my breast.
I’m mourning the loss of my muscle.
I’m mourning the loss of who I thought I would always be.

A common thing I hear is “don’t let it change you,” but I don’t know how to stop it. I feel like I’m already changing. Will I get my “me” back? We’ll have to wait and see.

I’m talking with the plastic surgeon.
I’m waiting for the cancer surgeon.
And I’m going to go bug the oncologist today because I want answers.

It’s in those hidden places where fear creeps in. I mean, look at the coronavirus. People don’t know, so they’re freaking out. It’s kinda like what I’m going through. Welcome to my new normal.

“Fear”

| Laura Lee Bonde

February 27, 2020

I love it when friends encourage me to be real, to come out of my hiding places, so here’s a little “real” for you!

I’m scared.
I’m scared of this forever journey.
I’m scared of taking my teeth out for surgery.
I’m scared of my boob changing shape.
I’m scared of talking to the oncologist about radiation.
I’m scared of what I’ll hear.
I’m scared of how my looks might change (again).
I’m scared I might be disappointing God by being scared.

There. There are my fears.

Every day, I feel anxiety, but I don’t want to take medicine, so I breathe through it, pray, change my thoughts, and face my fears.

I know it will be okay. I know I have plenty more to do in this world. I know I’ll get through this because I’m in God’s heart.

And yet, I still get scared.

Tunnels

| Laura Lee Bonde

there’s light
there’s always been light
it just seems like some tunnels
are longer than others

when I think back
as I’ve gone through stuff
I’ve always felt through it
and that’s been okay

there’re some super supernatural folks
who calmly walk
through the valley of death
seemingly unscathed
but some people feel out loud
all the way through

that’d be me

but I’m glad I feel
and I’m glad I write
because unbeknownst to me
my writing sometimes touches people
in their innermost being
in places only God could see
until now

I think it’s okay to get mad and frustrated
I think it’s okay to be scared
yet the words ‘fear no evil’
prove me wrong
yet I’m still a little freaked out

but through it all
I never think of drinking
I don’t want anxiety meds
heck, I don’t even want sex
the counselor ruined that for me
he taught me my worth
so now I’ll be picky

I know I’m not alone
I know God is with me
I know many are praying
maybe that’s why I’m crying
and breaking down in mid thought
because I’m surrounded by love
in the midst of fear

So, I Have Cancer

| Laura Lee Bonde

Well, yesterday, it was confirmed that I have breast cancer. Now, I wait until Monday to find out how we’re going to treat it.

I walked into the doctor’s office at 2:30 PM with a blood pressure of 122/75. When I got to my next appointment at the dentist (at 3:10 PM), it was 149/98. As of no surprise, I was a little anxious.

Since then, I do well when I’m busy, but when I’m not, when I have a moment to think, I breakdown a little. As a matter of fact, I cried myself to sleep last night.

Apparently, the results were known on the 12th, but I didn’t receive them till yesterday. I’m sort of glad of that.

What’s next? Writing. I’m not really doing well, so I’m going to write about it because that’s how I process things best.

Have you ever been in an uncomfortable situation and walked out?
Have you ever met that annoying person and walked away?
Have you ever tasted something nasty and spit it out?

Well, this is like being in an uncomfortable place, but you can’t leave. It’s like being chained to that annoying person. It’s like having to eat something disgusting. It’s like having something evil inside of you, yet you can’t get away from it.

It is NOT a good feeling. AND, those aren’t the only feelings I’ve been experiencing. Here’re some more.

Guilt – because I haven’t maintained a healthy diet, so my cells aren’t as empowered as they could be.
Shame – because of all the men I’ve let touch my breasts, my body.
Fear – because I don’t flippin know the road ahead (but I’ll keep moving forward).
Disgust – because I feel dirty with cancer inside me.
Sadness – because I’m sad.

Those are just some of the things I’ve been feeling. I’m sure they’ll be more, but as they say, “Life goes on, so I need to get over it.” …easier said then done.

Anyway, I need to get to work. Pray I don’t breakdown until after work.

Thank you all for supporting me through the time you’ve known me, and thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts!

“Halloween”

| Laura Lee Bonde

fear is such a bully
who thrives
on keeping one locked up

silent
doubting
wondering
what should’ve been done
what could’ve been done
how you’ve failed

but it’s only an illusion

fear threatens
and suffocates
and ages one
without them knowing

fear has a tall shadow
but a tiny image
it can look like light
and sound like sanity

it wears its costume
well

but when exposed
it disintegrates
into nothingness

I’m Back…

| Laura Lee Bonde

Just so you know, this post’ll have a lot of emotion, so if you don’t want to “feel,” scroll on.

I’m tired: I’m tired of hiding my website; I’m tired of hiding from certain people on Facebook; I’m tired of a lot of things, but as I sit here in tears, unable to stop, I’ll write because that’s how I get through things best. Continue reading →

Sobriety

| Laura Lee Bonde

Yesterday, I was surprised that I never got around to writing about my sobriety, but then again, I wasn’t that surprised at all.

You see, there’s been a fear in me about writing: who can know; things aren’t perfect; how can I be honest without drowning others; how can I be transparent without exposing…the list of fears goes on and on, and that list has kept me from writing, but that’s letting fear control me, which isn’t who I am at all.

The moment I stepped into God, Continue reading →

“Response Ability”

| Laura Lee Bonde

throughout life
you’ll encounter people
who may not know who they are
and as they speak to you
they’ll tear you down
with words looks and actions
but if you live your life through God’s heart
even as they tear you down
He’ll be rebuilding

it’s who He is
it’s what He does

and in every moment of pain
you’ll have the chance to decide
will you react in fear
or will you respond in love