God

“How To Shrink Cancer”

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 2, 2020

when I woke up this morning
I realized how much bigger
God was than cancer
and it gave me such peace

that peace beyond understanding

I don’t have all the answers
to all my questions
but that doesn’t matter
the only thing that matters is

who God is and what He’s done

He never changes
He never turns away
He never lets go
He’s God

and I know He’s here
every step of the way

even the horrible ones

this past week and a half
my mind’s been consumed
with thoughts of cancer
so much so that it drained me

today, I barely thought about cancer
oh trust me
I had discouragement in my day
but none of it was from cancer
and that’s huge to me

today, God grew in my eyes
and cancer shrank

there’s no guarantee that I will win this fight
and there is no guarentee that I won’t
but as I let God go before me
I know I’m in good hands

to live is gain
and to die is gain
only some will understand

“Fear”

| Laura Lee Bonde

February 27, 2020

I love it when friends encourage me to be real, to come out of my hiding places, so here’s a little “real” for you!

I’m scared.
I’m scared of this forever journey.
I’m scared of taking my teeth out for surgery.
I’m scared of my boob changing shape.
I’m scared of talking to the oncologist about radiation.
I’m scared of what I’ll hear.
I’m scared of how my looks might change (again).
I’m scared I might be disappointing God by being scared.

There. There are my fears.

Every day, I feel anxiety, but I don’t want to take medicine, so I breathe through it, pray, change my thoughts, and face my fears.

I know it will be okay. I know I have plenty more to do in this world. I know I’ll get through this because I’m in God’s heart.

And yet, I still get scared.

Hidden

| Laura Lee Bonde

every time I think I’ve found me
she’s gone again
and then I’m challenged
to be the me that people see
but what does that look like?

at times, I break down crying
tired of moving forward
but won’t stand still
is that the me they wanna see?

at times, I act as if nothing’s wrong
hiding inside so no one will see
what I’m thinking
what I’m feeling
how I’m doing
is that the me they wanna see?

at times, I think I’m silly
for ever worrying about anything
that the me I’m supposed to be
shouldn’t do that
is that the me they wanna see?

I used to wake up smiling
ready to tackle the day
now, I just stare at nothing
and wonder how I’ll get up
is that the me they wanna see?

when I think about me
I think about God
and how deep inside His heart I am
that’s the me that everyone sees

but she feels
she doubts
she cries
she disconnects
she wonders
she overcomes
she loves
all inside His beautiful heart
where she finds herself
every day

Tunnels

| Laura Lee Bonde

there’s light
there’s always been light
it just seems like some tunnels
are longer than others

when I think back
as I’ve gone through stuff
I’ve always felt through it
and that’s been okay

there’re some super supernatural folks
who calmly walk
through the valley of death
seemingly unscathed
but some people feel out loud
all the way through

that’d be me

but I’m glad I feel
and I’m glad I write
because unbeknownst to me
my writing sometimes touches people
in their innermost being
in places only God could see
until now

I think it’s okay to get mad and frustrated
I think it’s okay to be scared
yet the words ‘fear no evil’
prove me wrong
yet I’m still a little freaked out

but through it all
I never think of drinking
I don’t want anxiety meds
heck, I don’t even want sex
the counselor ruined that for me
he taught me my worth
so now I’ll be picky

I know I’m not alone
I know God is with me
I know many are praying
maybe that’s why I’m crying
and breaking down in mid thought
because I’m surrounded by love
in the midst of fear

Radiation

| Laura Lee Bonde

Well
I had a pretty intense
falling apart moment
one that made everything
seem wrong

I’m scared
I’m unsure
I feel lost
yet I know where I’m going
I feel like I wanna cry
on God’s lap
but “feel” Him holding me

you know how a toddler
will drop to the floor
with that dead-weight
because they don’t wanna move?

that’s how I feel
yet God keeps me
light as a feather
so I can’t stop moving forward

So, I Have Cancer

| Laura Lee Bonde

Well, yesterday, it was confirmed that I have breast cancer. Now, I wait until Monday to find out how we’re going to treat it.

I walked into the doctor’s office at 2:30 PM with a blood pressure of 122/75. When I got to my next appointment at the dentist (at 3:10 PM), it was 149/98. As of no surprise, I was a little anxious.

Since then, I do well when I’m busy, but when I’m not, when I have a moment to think, I breakdown a little. As a matter of fact, I cried myself to sleep last night.

Apparently, the results were known on the 12th, but I didn’t receive them till yesterday. I’m sort of glad of that.

What’s next? Writing. I’m not really doing well, so I’m going to write about it because that’s how I process things best.

Have you ever been in an uncomfortable situation and walked out?
Have you ever met that annoying person and walked away?
Have you ever tasted something nasty and spit it out?

Well, this is like being in an uncomfortable place, but you can’t leave. It’s like being chained to that annoying person. It’s like having to eat something disgusting. It’s like having something evil inside of you, yet you can’t get away from it.

It is NOT a good feeling. AND, those aren’t the only feelings I’ve been experiencing. Here’re some more.

Guilt – because I haven’t maintained a healthy diet, so my cells aren’t as empowered as they could be.
Shame – because of all the men I’ve let touch my breasts, my body.
Fear – because I don’t flippin know the road ahead (but I’ll keep moving forward).
Disgust – because I feel dirty with cancer inside me.
Sadness – because I’m sad.

Those are just some of the things I’ve been feeling. I’m sure they’ll be more, but as they say, “Life goes on, so I need to get over it.” …easier said then done.

Anyway, I need to get to work. Pray I don’t breakdown until after work.

Thank you all for supporting me through the time you’ve known me, and thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts!

Warning: Long post about abortion!

| Laura Lee Bonde

I love my kids dearly and love to talk about how our relationships have healed and grown, but this morning, I want to talk about the few who didn’t make it.

When I was in high school, I got pregnant. If I remember correctly, I was seventeen. I won’t give too many details about this time of my life because it was heartbreaking, and I still haven’t figured out how to write about family without offending family. I know, I know…I need to get over that, but until I do, I’ll leave what was going on in my life out. I’ll just tell you a few things.

I was living with my sisters.
I was in my senior year.
I was sleeping with (at least) two different people.

Needless to say, the possible fathers didn’t want the baby. I was going to school and working to pay the rent. And on top of all that, I had been throwing up about seven times a day. It was too much for me, so I decided to have an abortion. Continue reading →

“New Generation”

| Laura Lee Bonde

by Nathan’s age: 15
I had already been having sex and was drinking
by Carolyn’s age: 19
I had already had one abortion, one child, and was married
by Katie’s age: 25
I had been stripping/selling my body…jail…divorce
by Kyle’s age: 28
I had quit dancing but was way strung out in so many ways

at age 32
I found God
at age 33
I found sobriety
at age 37
I found my worth
at age 42
I found true freedom

almost on a daily basis
I’m reminded how I’ve changed the course
my kids are nothing like
who I used to be
and are growing more into
what I’m like now
yet still holding on
to their own uniqueness

I never have to worry
about my kids turning out like who I was
because I walked into that church at 32
it changed their lives
it changed my life
and in the end
it helped change the lives of others
because I stay on this path with God