My Latest Breakdown

Last night, on my drive home from work, I had the worst breakdown yet.

I “could” tell you what led up to it, but that’s not the type of person I am, so I’ll only explain what I went through.

In the car, I was listening to “The Greatest Showman” soundtrack, which I often do because I LOVE it. Anyway, during the second song, I began to cry deeply, not because of the lyrics but because of my mom’s death (I’m assuming).

I was crying so hard, I could barely see, but I couldn’t seem to pull over. The thought came to me, but my foot wouldn’t reach out for the break, and my cruise control was set on seventy two mph, so I did my best to keep the wheel straight and drove.

At one point, I was so scared, I cried out through my wailing, “I DON’T WANNA DIE!” and asked Holy Spirit to help me drive. Obviously, He did because I made it home safely.

All I wanted to do was make it home.

Just like any other job, sometimes, you have your bad days, and yesterday was a bad day at work. From being talked to about something out of my control to being talked at through… It was, almost, unbearable.

Without Jesus, I don’t know how I would’ve handled it all. I really don’t understand how people live without Him. I would never choose to go back to that life.

But my breakdown…it was so intense. During it, I cried out a few things:

“WHY ARE PEOPLE SO MEAN!”
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
“I CAN’T HANDLE THIS”
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
etc.

I’m so glad God was there with me. Had I not known that, I doubt I’d be here writing right now.

In the past, I’ve never really given grief too much thought, and now that I’m dancing with it, I look forward to the times when we sit out a song or two. MAYBE, someday, I’ll understand it, but for now, I’ll just live through it.

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“Delete”

sometimes people hear what they want to hear
and only see what they want to see

words can be damaging
whether spoken or written
and when people speak or write from darkness
it’s a conduit for pain

I can’t imagine being mean to someone
who just lost a loved one
but honestly
I bet it happens all the time

my heart goes out to all those affected
by other people’s opinions
during times of mourning

whether your mourning the loss of your mother
or maybe mourning the loss of a friendship
an ability
a dream
an opportunity

just like grief has no boundaries
neither does loss
and both are individually tailored
to fit one’s internal wiring

thank God for those who stand with you
and fight for you
because if it was up to me alone right now
I wouldn’t be writing this

I’d be cowering away somewhere
afraid to speak
afraid to write
afraid to reach out for help

what other people think of me
is NONE of my business
I truly believe that
and God’s giving me plenty opportunities
to prove how I believe

the good thing about darkness being spread
through written words is
they only have power
if you read them

“Happy Endings”

she lives her life in light
glancing at the darkness behind her

if she never shares where she’s been
they’ll never know where she’s come from
what God’s brought her through

living can be as simple as sharing
sharing can be as simple as living

boldness comes through the piercing of the heart
with the love of heaven striking through

love
not sex
but love

God is love
love is God

how long had she been confused?
years and years
tormenting her body
her heart
her mind

but one moment in time
changed the course she was on
and slowly but surely
it developed

a relationship with Him
living in Him
for Him
to Him

HE’s the one who wooed her to church
HE’s the one who listened to her prayers
it was HIM who led her to AA
through the steps
clearing the way for HIM
to enter in entirely

and all along the way
as she made mistakes
He waited lovingly with arms opened wide
embracing her as she returned
loving her deeply through it all

why?
why did God put up with her? she wondered
and in gentle moments He explained

“I know what the ending looks like” He said
“who you are isn’t who you’ll be”

THAT keeps Him patient
THAT keeps Him constant
THAT keeps her holding on
for what she’ll truly be

Experience, Strength, and Hope

Last night, I had a BLAST speaking at the recovery meeting!

Every time I share my story, I never know what’s going to happen because I leave that up to God. I don’t plan anything; I just show up, open my mouth, and let His Spirit flow through me, and in the end, I hope that “someone” was touched by His words, and at the end of the meeting last night, I met who that someone was.

About twenty minutes before the meeting, a woman from the East Coast had made the last minute decision to go. She believes her recent trip to Harlingen, a drive over 1800 miles long, was to hear God speak through me at that meeting. What an honor is that! I just love the extreme God goes to to chase after “the one.”

When I think about what I shared, it was all about God. I talked about the mess I was without Him, my seeking Him for the kids, my finding Him, and my walking through Him in recovery. It was amazing!

My life is not my own.

If my life was my own, I’d be mourning my mother every moment of every day, but I don’t. I stay focused on Him and the life I’m leading and let the grief come and go wave by wave, and let me tell you: it comes at the weirdest times.

Last night, after the meeting, some friends came over for Carolyn’s yummy spaghetti, and after we ate, a few of us went to a late night showing of “Avengers: Infinity War.”

During one of the scenes where they were fighting, I had a vision of my mom when she’d kissed me in the hospital bed a bunch of times (without her teeth). Is that not the strangest timing for me to remember her! Anyway, another weird thing happened in that movie theater.

I’m a crier at movies…very emotional (at the drop of a hat), but last night was “different.”

As sad parts happened and I heard sniffles all around me, I sat there stone-cold…no emotion, and I wondered if it was because real death was so near me that fake death seemed far away. I don’t know. All I know is that not one scene affected me emotionally.

If I really want to know where I stand with that, I guess could watch a tearjerker and see what happens, but it’s not that important to me. I’m just very grateful for last night: the speaking; the yummy food; the fellowship; and the movie with friends.

THAT’s what recovery’s about, and that’s what living’s all about, too!

“The Three Hour Cry”

no matter what you do
life gets messy
if you’re living it

people come and go
friends live and die
kids stay and leave

it just…
happens
this life stuff

but I’ve had friendships
that molded my future
and changed my life

I’ve experienced love
that inspired me to BE more
to live more

I’ve grown into the mom
that I wanted to be
that I was meant to be

and along the way
I’ve learned more and more
of who I’m not

being true to myself
has led me to confidence
and seeing my beauty

staying one with God
has lifted me through the toughest times
and the deepest griefs

His Oneness guides me
to love deeper
without walls

and every day
brings a chance to learn
what makes you smile

and today I learned
greasy food and chocolate
feed grief well

“Church-Hopping”

life was never confusing for her
she stumbled threw it quite easily
having never known “right”
she never noticed wrong
until that one day

as she looked at her kids
she wondered what to do
so they wouldn’t turn out like her

frantically
she searched within
to find out what was missing
but it wasn’t what
it was “Who”

God had not been sought

of course that was it!
without Him
life had been full of drugs
alcohol
cussing
and more

but how does one get God for her kids?
thus began the “church-hopping”
she’d hopped enough bars in her lifetime
now to the houses of God

one by one she sat
until finally at rest
but as she tried to ‘get God for her kids’
she ran into Him herself
but it took a while
for her to step INTO His heart

comfort was a place in chaos
love had been a place in bed
honor and respect were never spoken
and peace had been torment

how do you grow out of hell that’s normal
how do you receive a life void of drama
if wrong seems right
then right will seem wrong

eventually
Good prevailed in her heart
and what once was lost
has been recreated in time
never to be misplaced again

“Proof”

the most memorable moments
are the one-on-one times
I get to share with ladies

moments of remembering
the road leading up to
and carrying on in recovery

those moments in sharing
when gentle tears rise inside
remorseful of what I’ve done

of who I was

gentle tears of healing
for both her
and me

tears of being thankful
of who I am now
and what I now do

I’m a living, breathing testimony
of one who has recovered
from a hopeless state of mind

and I’m living proof
that a life lived in God
is one worth living

“The Stage”

thank You for saving me
from the stage of my past

redeemed
restored
into someone new
loved head to toe

when I look back
I can’t even recognize
the “me” I used to be

I’ve been reborn
in life
in character
in nature

the me I see now
is enveloped in You
and who I’m meant to be
is still being fashioned

through trials
through fire
through Love

shining through it all
I trust You
I lean on You
I fall back into You

leaving imprints of love
with those I’m blessed to meet

“Thanksgiving”

there’s so much to be grateful for
I just don’t know where to begin

I’m grateful for knowing God
not in a surface way
but in a deep, profound way

I’m grateful for my beautiful kids
how they make decisions
apart from codependency

I’m grateful for my wonderful job
that feels like a way of life
except that I clock in and out

I’m grateful for this home
the imperfections
and the perfectness

I’m grateful for my mind
that it’s set in the right direction
and thinks soundly

I’m grateful for my Raiders car
that after 253,000 miles
it’s still going strong

I’m grateful for each moment of the day
how it happens right on time
but unexpectedly

I’m grateful for emotions
and that I’m not judged by them
or for having them

I’m grateful for transparency
that I no longer have to hide within myself
or lie to make me greater

I’m grateful for a lot of things
but most of all for God
because He’s made me complete