I love my kids dearly and love to talk about how our relationships have healed and grown, but this morning, I want to talk about the few who didn’t make it.
When I was in high school, I got pregnant. If I remember correctly, I was seventeen. I won’t give too many details about this time of my life because it was heartbreaking, and I still haven’t figured out how to write about family without offending family. I know, I know…I need to get over that, but until I do, I’ll leave what was going on in my life out. I’ll just tell you a few things.
I was living with my sisters.
I was in my senior year.
I was sleeping with (at least) two different people.
Needless to say, the possible fathers didn’t want the baby. I was going to school and working to pay the rent. And on top of all that, I had been throwing up about seven times a day. It was too much for me, so I decided to have an abortion.
Some family members encouraged me to have the baby and give it to someone, but if I was going to carry the baby, I wanted to keep the baby. Anyway, I decided to abort, which was an absolute horrible experience and one that I went through alone.
The man who paid for this abortion paid the bare minimum, so I was only under local anesthesia. I had to be awake, heard the noise of the machine they used, and felt pain. I still remember as if it was yesterday. Sometimes, things just don’t leave you.
Afterward, in the recovery room, I felt empty inside. When my time to recover was up, I sat on the curb and waited for my ride. The whole thing was heartbreaking (and still IS at times). Anyway, that was my first abortion experience, but it wouldn’t be my last.
By this time in life, I was emancipated, so when I missed school, I wrote my own excuses (which made the office ladies furious). Well, a lot of kids had been getting strep throat, so I used that as my excuse for missing school to have the abortion done but forgot to check the spelling.
In my note, I wrote that I had “stripped” throat. They were not impressed or amused. They sneered at me and told me how to spell my “sickness.” Most of the staff at this high school was rude to me, but that’s another story.
Life went on, and eventually, the subject of abortion came up again, but by this time, I had three children, so how this discussion came up still baffles me. My only thought is that it was during my drinking and drugging days. Not much of what I did back then made sense, so it shouldn’t surprise me.
How do you give birth and yet have an abortion? I did it twice. I am not proud of this; actually, it almost destroyed me a few times. But you have to know that none of these abortions affected me. It wasn’t until I got sober and grew closer to God, THEN it affected me.
In fact, my third abortion was after I had Nathan. By this time, I realized I was using abortion as a form of birth control. Even though I was deep in darkness, I was able to realize that.
I remember sitting in the Planned Parenthood office, being counseled, and I asked if they could tie my tubes after the abortion. She hesitated and asked, “But what if you want another baby?” To that I replied, “Evidently, I won’t.”
Once she heard I was using abortion as a form of birth control, she approved it. It wasn’t until I got sober that I regretted that decision, but that’s okay: I never found love anyway.
Do I regret having abortions? Yes.
Is that why I’m pro-life? Yes. Looking back, I wish I didn’t have that “choice” because I wasn’t in my right mind.
Have I forgiven myself? Yes, but it took a long time.
Did God love me through it all? Yes, and that’s something that should be preached more.
God loved me during every abortion; God loved me in the strip clubs; God loved me when I sold my body…God loved me through it all (and still does).