Poetry

“Useful Thoughts”

| Laura Lee Bonde

there’s a hope that I’ve been looking for
that’s been all the time in me
not in any one
or any thing around me
but in me

no matter what I choose
I’ll always have hope

there’re many things in life
had I known
I would’ve done differently
but if I’d done them differently
would I still have what I know?

there’s no use thinking ‘what if’
because all that’s happened
has come to be
but there’s use in thinking of today
because that will form your future

if you want change
you have to change
and part of that
is making decisions

“Bleeding”

| Laura Lee Bonde

through tough times
some friends wanna be
everything to you
and many send out words
of advice
before you realize it
arrows are piercing you
from every side

this morning was different

Salt, Death, and Flight

| Laura Lee Bonde

***

“you won’t find her flag
caught up or down the escalator
she’s gone
dancing in heaven”

That was a poem from my dream, written by Katie about me. It was a horribly, sad dream.

In it, I’d been trying like crazy to organize a trip for me, Katie, and Ariel, and all the packing was up to me.

After rushing like crazy to leave for the airport, Katie refused to go with me.

We were in this huge apartment building with many floors, that had the appearance of a mall. From one floor above, I saw her just sitting at a table, refusing to move. I hollared for her to hurry, but she just sat there and dumped (what looked like) five pounds of salt on the floor.

I was so angry.

As I went down to talk to her, she vanished, and I was left, standing in the salt, reading this poem she wrote. And all of a sudden, I realized the poem was about me and saw that no one could see me. At that moment, I realized I was dead.

***

Right then, the alarm woke me up. So badly, I wanted to fall back asleep and have a do-over for a new dream, a new memory, but I couldn’t, so I got up, crying.

It reminded me of this woman in recovery. She’s seen the pain I’ve gone through with Nathan leaving, and every time I see her, she asks how I’m doing with it.

Then, she asks about Katie, “Has she changed her mind yet about leaving?”

I always reply, “No, she’s still leaving.”

Then, she says, “What’re you going to do?? That’s gonna kill you!”

I often wonder why she says that but haven’t mentioned anything. Evidently, I dreamt about it.

“E Motion Train”

| Laura Lee Bonde

there’s a certain
melancholiness
that enters in
the dread of life

not much emotion
but a lot of thought
creating ways to exist
through each day

there’re those
who see the light
be it ever so small
at the end of the tunnel

there’re most
who never enter the tunnel
crossing over the bridge
with the ones they love

and yet some
are deep in the tunnel
where darkness lies
in front of and behind them

but the train never worries
it has its own light

“Pondering”

| Laura Lee Bonde

in the silence
she writes
to become what she is

no mirrors
no windows
just reflection

there’s the past she’s forgotten
and a past that she makes
only one worth remembering

every word
every tear
every breath

released in a song
moved by a poem
expressed with a word

in the stillness
she thinks
where she was and is

sometimes the memories
whether bad or good
help navigate the way

so she thinks
so she writes
and she sings what will be

Poetry Open Mic Night

| Laura Lee Bonde

Poetry Night at The Prelude was really good last night, except I forgot to ask someone to record it, but it went well.

I read some poems that explained who I used to be and how Jesus changed my life. I was asked, for next time, if I’d bring my flags and dance a song. Only God knows what that meant to me, especially now.

Very recently (on Wednesday), I questioned in my heart if I should even use them in public anymore (because of someone’s reaction to them). What that person did and said felt like it crushed me, so wouldn’t that just be God’s timing?!

Right after I felt crushed by one, I was lifted by another.

To me, it’s more than a dance. It’s more like a passion!

Next month, when I dance a song, I’ll see if someone will record it. (Sometimes, that’s hard to find.)

“My Dance With Jesus” (click photo)
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What I Deserve

| Laura Lee Bonde

before I left for Texas
so many friends in church said
“I’m so happy for you, Laura!
You deserve this.”

really? I deserve this?

does that mean God
is a punishing God?

or does that mean we all
have decisions to make
to learn
to grow
to become

along the way
after twenty-two years
I’ve changed
but Scott hasn’t
at all
and if I’d never married him
if I’d never moved out here
he never would’ve known

it takes courage to change
and it takes courage to stay
just not sure how strong I am