there’s a life I lived
just me and the kids
a life we loved
and can never go back to

there wasn’t much room
but we always saw each other
cramped but comfortable
smiling
goofing around
laughing
something we thought
we’d never lose
until I gave it away

now here we are
together
yet separated
my son far away

my life now with my ex
one who always seemed
to fit in visits
doesn’t fit in life
opposite
doesn’t laugh
rarely talks
consumed by self
and then us

one of the hardest things
is to make laughter
out of sadness
to make hope
out of a life they hate
watching them without smiles
without laughter
without “us”

it’s not about what “I’ve” done
it’s about a choice I made
with my heart
not realizing
what it’d cost

well
the high price’s been paid
now in debt
I stay aware

of what can be done
of what can be changed
of who might be released

I have the choice
to send my kids back
to live with their dad
and find new life
or I have the choice
to keep them here
and create a life
they’ll never enjoy

I know “never”‘s a heavy word
but if you were here…
if you knew…
if you saw…
you’d never disagree

one of the hardest things
to let go of
is a life you’ve loved
but will never have again

why do we always see
what isn’t there
why is always
too late

in my defense
I really thought
we’d love this
how was I to know
reality
would differ
from visits