“Do-Overs”

[written 10/9/16]

sometimes
I wonder
“if I’d done
EVERYTHING right
would things be
different?”

but then THAT
makes me wonder
“if I’d done
everything right
would I be
who I am?”

who I am
is pretty amazing
so trying to
change the past
seems
pointless

“Cloudy, with a Chance of Rain”

20160831_070007

the quiet
brings the storm
poem after poem
wave after wave
of tears

when will my spirit
break through my soul
and Lighten the words
of my heart

a mother weaning
a wife fading
as friends turn away
and worry

all that’s left
is You in my heart
sifting through chaos
to bring clarity

as a mother
as a wife
as a friend

to a child
to a husband
to a friend

if I follow God
who cares what man thinks
but if I follow man
what will follow me

“Straight Jacket”

the thing about isolating
is that you can’t hide
from yourself

where I go
I am
where I’ve been
I was
where I’m going
has yet to be seen

in a vision
in a dream
in my hopes
in reality

I’ve never been
in THIS place before
mentally
physically
emotionally
spiritually

surrounding me
are choices
not four corners
but a circle

and I’m the one
in the middle
rocking

“A Sad Goodbeye”

there’s a life I lived
just me and the kids
a life we loved
and can never go back to

there wasn’t much room
but we always saw each other
cramped but comfortable
smiling
goofing around
laughing
something we thought
we’d never lose
until I gave it away

now here we are
together
yet separated
my son far away

my life now with my ex
one who always seemed
to fit in visits
doesn’t fit in life
opposite
doesn’t laugh
rarely talks
consumed by self
and then us

one of the hardest things
is to make laughter
out of sadness
to make hope
out of a life they hate
watching them without smiles
without laughter
without “us”

it’s not about what “I’ve” done
it’s about a choice I made
with my heart
not realizing
what it’d cost

well
the high price’s been paid
now in debt
I stay aware

of what can be done
of what can be changed
of who might be released

I have the choice
to send my kids back
to live with their dad
and find new life
or I have the choice
to keep them here
and create a life
they’ll never enjoy

I know “never”‘s a heavy word
but if you were here…
if you knew…
if you saw…
you’d never disagree

one of the hardest things
to let go of
is a life you’ve loved
but will never have again

why do we always see
what isn’t there
why is always
too late

in my defense
I really thought
we’d love this
how was I to know
reality
would differ
from visits

“Private Conversations”

[written 7/9/16]

I’ve realized
how my mind
and my heart
communicate

one’s more positive
than the other

when my mind says
‘I can’t handle this’
my heart replies
‘Bring it on!’

so I’ve been training my ears
which to listen to
because the heart
makes more sense

“Rhetorical”

what is ‘being a good parent’?

does it mean
your kids aren’t having sex
does it mean
they never say bad words
does it mean
they never quit at what they do

does it mean
they go to church every week
and read the bible
does it mean
they put others down
who aren’t measuring up

maybe ‘being a good parent’
has nothing to do
with what your kids choose to do

maybe ‘being a good parent’
means you love your kids WELL
through God’s heart
no matter what they do

one question
many answers