forgiveness

True Repentance

| Laura Lee Bonde

The other day, I posted about the date of July 21st meaning something in my life, so I wanted to explore the actual “day” that that was because I knew that true repentance happened on a Friday, but guess what? July 21, 2009 was a Tuesday. Hmm…I began to wonder why that date stuck in my head. Let me explain.

In 2009, I was desperately seeking God and found Him but had been living a “Christian” life that involved ignoring my kids, cussing, sex, etc. In seeking God’s heart, I was discovering how I wanted to be and had the conviction to prove it. I wasn’t “in” a relationship. I was merely a “booty call” to some men…hoping to find someone to fall in love with me. (I had it so backwards.) I was reaching out for prayer to stop having sex, and God answered in the most peculiar way.

I had responded to a “booty call” on a Monday (the twenty-first). A few days later, on a Thursday, I walked (barely) into the emergency room. I could not stand up straight. I was in excruciating pain and had no idea what was wrong with me. I had my bible on my lap and was reading in the waiting room and, later, in the exam room. They ran tests, took blood, took x-rays and found nothing wrong, but I was in horrible pain. And then, it happened.

The exam doctor came in, looking at my chart, and asked me when the last time I had sex was. I looked at my bible and, I kid you not, looked at my heart and thought, “What type of example am I being.” Then, I replied, “Monday.”

They gave me pain meds and sent me home. I was humiliated, embarrassed. I wanted there to be something wrong with me. I wanted there to be an answer (and not the one I was given). JC’s Girls had bible study that night, and of course, I wouldn’t be able to make it, and they were going to be filming us. I went home and kept quiet.

The following day, it hit me: the pain, the doctor’s question, the answer was all part of God bringing darkness to light, all part of turning my heart towards repentance. See, after every sexual encounter, when I told God I was “sorry,” I had thought that that was repentance, but repentance happens when you change your mind to match your heart, so the twenty-first was just the day after I had had sex, but the twenty-fourth is when true repentance reached the heavens.

Psalm 38:5,6 “My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins. I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief.”

Thank God for forgiveness!

A Mother “Mess-Up”

| Laura Lee Bonde

Last night, I messed up. I’m not going to share what I did wrong because I just don’t want to put it out there on FB. I was supposed to do something, was counted on, was depended on and missed my alarm. Thank God for dads!! Anyway, I’m posting because of my response. I think when we respond differently in life, THAT’s when we notice growth the most.

Oh well…unless I explain what I did, I won’t be able to convey this correctly, and this may help someone else, so here it goes: in the middle of the night, I was supposed to pick up Carolyn, missed my alarm and missed her calls (my phone was on silent). Thank God that her dad answered his phone, picked her up, and brought her home.

There…there’s my “mess up.”

Anyway, I woke up frantic. You know that feeling when you realize something in your sleep and jump out of bed, wishing you could reverse time? That was me! I came into the living room, and Carolyn was sitting on the couch, talking about her day with Kyle. I was so apologetic. I felt so bad. In the past, I really thought that what I “did” described how good of a mom I was. If that was the case, then last night would have revealed that I was a bad mom. (Notice the past tense verb. That’s not how I feel.) But when you know your identity in the cross, everything’s different.

For a moment, I went in the other room and thought, “Why am I not crying? Normally, I would be in tears.” Then, it hit me. I wasn’t crying because what I did had nothing to do with who I am. The enemy waits for moments like this to condemn me, and I used to fall into all the time, but now, my feet are on solid ground of who I am, so I didn’t fall into it. (I’m so glad I have a new normal.) This isn’t something I need to say ‘sorry’ for a million times. (I’ve don’t that to Kyle and Katie before, but I didn’t need to. I just kept listening to the voices condemning me and felt the need to say sorry over and over again. It just isn’t so.) This experience taught me so much!

Of course, I apologized to Carolyn. I felt bad, but I asked for and received her forgiveness and the forgiveness of my Father in heaven. Now, I’ll never bring it up again (except on here, in case it helps someone). Remember how I said I used to cry at things like this? I wonder how much of that was feeling bad or was wanting others to feel bad for me. Hmm…another lesson.

God is so amazing!! He just keeps revealing new truths, creating new moments, enveloping new experiences, causing new growths, seeding new friendships! I’m so excited to see and know what I will be like right before I die. There will be so much life lived, so much truths learned, so much freedom gained, so much love given and received. Even if I die today, there’s “so much” that I would see in me. Yay, God!