Regretting the Past

“Don’t regret the past!”; I hear that time and time again, but you know what? I DO have something in my past I regret: not taking the time to visit my mom BEFORE she got sick.

When I found out she wasn’t doing well, I “finally” drove out there to see her, but by the time I got there, she was a different woman.

The mom I saw wasn’t the mom I remembered, yet now, it’s the only memory I have. At any given moment, when I think about her, I see her slumped in the hospital bed, struggling to breath, barely able to speak.

IMG_20180422_112020_233

That’s the memory I have now.

As I walk through the healing of all this, I plan to write, so I hope you’re ready to read.

If you’d like to help me cremate her, click here.

Advertisements

When People Die

For some reason, ever since mom passed away, I really wanted flowers, so today, I finally went and bought some.

I guess you’d imagine that I’d get her favorite flower, but I have no idea what that was, so I bought my favorite color (yellow) and my favorite smell (carnations) and combined the two.

As I stood in line to pay, Continue reading

Grieving

Before you start reading, I want to let you know: this will be a sad one because, today, I’m writing for my personal healing and have already been crying, so you know…

The other night, I got to go to The Prelude again. It’d been a while, and I thought I hadn’t gone because my life had changed, and I’d been pretty busy working, leaving my husband, and starting a new life with my daughter, but as it turns out, something more had been keeping me from there, or should I say, some”one”… Continue reading

“Conscience”

there’re some times
when I just feel damaged
I know it’s not true
that’s why I call it a feeling
but man
does it catch me offguard
and cause so many tears

who was I?
who am I?
is who I am caused by who I was?
is who I was covered by who I am?

listen to when I say
these are just moments
but as I was praying through this one
I felt called to write

since God hasn’t blessed me with NO memory
I’m stuck to deal with what comes my way
and this morning
as it was coming my way
I asked someone from my past
what was I like?
because honestly
I don’t remember much good

what comfort it brought me
to hear some good
but at the same time
I still felt damaged
but that’s when I trust
His word to wash my mind
as my tears wash my face

Other People’s Memories

The problem with marrying someone from your past is that that someone “knows” your past, sometimes better than you do. Anyway, last night was a rough night.

It started out well because Scott and I practiced talking and did so for about two hours. If the word “practice” throws you off, it’s because for the last six months, we’ve, probably, barely talked two hours TOTAL, which makes for a very long six months, especially when you count the days, but we seem to be on the healing side of it.

After our talk, we went to the store to pick up a couple things for the girls. They were at The Prelude, so we wanted to be back before they got home. On the way, our talking continued but didn’t go so well. Continue reading

Out of the Box

When I was drinking, I used to make Hamburger Helper A LOT, so much so that the kids (and others) were “sick” of it, but as I sobered up, I learned to cook, and the times I made Hamburger Helper were few and far between, and almost every time we’ve had it, it’s been at Nathan’s request but only of a certain kind.

For as long as I can remember, Nathan’s loved the cheeseburger macaroni one, so I, always, associate it with him. Well, tonight, Scott made it for dinner, and I ALMOST made it through without crying…almost.

Near the end, I broke down, and I’ll be fine if I NEVER eat the cheeseburger Hamburger Helper again. I miss him so much and doubt it will ever stop.

“Unmasked”

[written 7/8/16]

sometimes in your present
you’re reminded of your past
and think back not believing
of who you “used” to be

that’s a very good place

reminded of who you were
and seeing who you’re not
by knowing who you are
as who you’re meant to be

it may sound confusing
in a poem
but in my heart
it makes perfect sense!

“Fruit Cemetery”

I love it when
a thought comes through
and passes right by
like the wind

those are the thoughts
I take captive
blowing each away
before it takes root

but not all the time

some thoughts
I make a place for
setting them at a table to feast
on the fruits of my spirit

nibbling at the joy
the love
the patience
and more

not even noticing the plates
until they’re empty
feeling an absence

of course
none of that’s real
nothing can be taken
only buried