those who find
their identity in work
when they lose their job
will lose their identity
until they find work again
but eventually
everyone retires
those who find
their identity in work
when they lose their job
will lose their identity
until they find work again
but eventually
everyone retires
the further I got away from writing
the louder doubt became that I’m even able to write
is there anything in my heart that needs hearing?
is it just another voice to drown out what’s real?
doubt has a cunning way of forming questions
and answers
but the secret in coming against it
is to have faith
because THAT will get you past all fear
I’m back
although people may not’ve noticed me
gone
but I’m back
I think
in a way I shut down
being open about my life
because of advice
because of fear
because of betrayal
but one thing’s for certain
I feel “called” to write
publicly
so when I don’t
I feel out of balance
you’ve missed birthdays
and deaths
trials
and triumphs
so as I stand up strong
with my core intact
I’ll let every word
flow
from my heart and mind
I’m no longer
afraid
to be me
if you don’t want me
to write about you
don’t hurt me
the sound of a river
do you hear it?
trickling through
sometimes rushing
always moving
now imagine that river
coming straight from heaven
through your spirit
that’s what it’s like
knowing Jesus
there’s always a reason behind my writing
it’s my heart’s reaction to what’s happened
or what’s happening
sometimes I’ll lie and say it’s someone else
but in reality
it’s just me
and most likely
the lie is to protect someone else
and in protecting someone else
I may be left hurt
but that’s where I grow
and not let things control me
not let circumstances dictate my health
not let someone else’s issues stifle my laugh
but there’s always a reason behind my writing
and there’s always a smile
waiting to shine
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Nathan!! I know you won’t see this, but my heart doesn’t care, so I’m posting it anyway.
I’m so proud of you and miss you immensely!
There’re times when I think you’ve made the smartest decision out of all of us.
There’re times when I wonder how life will go on.
There’re times when I rage inside because you’re growing up without me.
There’re times when I rage inside because I’m growing up without you.
My bones miss your laughter.
My muscles miss your hugs.
My heart misses your smile.
But even though we’re far apart, you still turned 14!!
And even though we’re far apart, I’m still breathing.
I love you!
[Photo credit: Kyle, from the movie theater on 4/16/17]

Happy Easter, Everyone!!
4/16/17
Easter
a day I thought I’d be a mess
without my boys
but last week
something changed
I realized there’s someOne
so much more important
than my kids
and that One is God
and when I focus on Him
my emotions don’t go crazy
when I focus on Him
my circumstances seem small
when I focus on Him
I see He’s the same
no matter where my kids live
no matter how my marriage’s going
no matter what’s going on
no matter who’s in front of me
no matter when life takes a turn
He stays the same
and when I focus on Him
my purpose is steadfast

alone: all one
alone with God: all one with God
but there are other types of alone
like being alone in a relationship
like being alone at a movie
like being alone in Texas
when I moved from everything I knew
and everyone I’d known
I thought it wouldn’t affect me
but almost immediately
it did
moving from everything
to almost nothing
it took its toll on me
on my emotional stability
on my spiritual identity
and I was alone
yes I made friends along the way
but none believe what I do
and yes I was never alone
but in some ways I was
but being alone to walk through things
was empowering
to know that nothing is impossible for me
sometimes
you have to walk alone
sometimes
its better to walk alone
sometimes
it’s about being all one
please don’t be offended
this is simply my poem
I know so many pray and think good thoughts
but I’m talking about the times when I couldn’t breathe
the times my face swelled up from crying
the long drive back from dropping off Nathan
and many more
alone
finding power in the only Source I know
finding comfort in the only Blanket I know
finding peace in the only Man I know
alone
trust me
nothing is impossible for me
I’m invincible
because I live in victory
even when darkness closed in around me
my path was always lit
I haven’t done this in awhile
eyes closed
heart open
writing a poem
without distraction
as my fingers dance among the keys
I focus to see who I am
I am HIS
a child of God
blooming in every season
just like
when the rain pours down on the flowers
they may look sad
and gloomy
drooping beneath the weight
of every drop
but as the sun comes out
the flowers stand
and dance in the wind
that’s how I feel
even if the weather takes it ts toll
I remain
even if my appearance changes
my heart stays the same
perfect in HIM
my Creator
my Lover
my Everlasting Hope
my Smile
my Life
who am I?
I am HIS
not an alcoholic
not a prostitute
not a drug addict
not a mother
not a wife
I am HIS
a child of God
a daughter of the King
a vessel of His Spirit
I am HIS