poetry

“Delete”

| Laura Lee Bonde

sometimes people hear what they want to hear
and only see what they want to see

words can be damaging
whether spoken or written
and when people speak or write from darkness
it’s a conduit for pain

I can’t imagine being mean to someone
who just lost a loved one
but honestly
I bet it happens all the time

my heart goes out to all those affected
by other people’s opinions
during times of mourning

whether your mourning the loss of your mother
or maybe mourning the loss of a friendship
an ability
a dream
an opportunity

just like grief has no boundaries
neither does loss
and both are individually tailored
to fit one’s internal wiring

thank God for those who stand with you
and fight for you
because if it was up to me alone right now
I wouldn’t be writing this

I’d be cowering away somewhere
afraid to speak
afraid to write
afraid to reach out for help

what other people think of me
is NONE of my business
I truly believe that
and God’s giving me plenty opportunities
to prove how I believe

the good thing about darkness being spread
through written words is
they only have power
if you read them

“Happy Endings”

| Laura Lee Bonde

she lives her life in light
glancing at the darkness behind her

if she never shares where she’s been
they’ll never know where she’s come from
what God’s brought her through

living can be as simple as sharing
sharing can be as simple as living

boldness comes through the piercing of the heart
with the love of heaven striking through

love
not sex
but love

God is love
love is God

how long had she been confused?
years and years
tormenting her body
her heart
her mind

but one moment in time
changed the course she was on
and slowly but surely
it developed

a relationship with Him
living in Him
for Him
to Him

HE’s the one who wooed her to church
HE’s the one who listened to her prayers
it was HIM who led her to AA
through the steps
clearing the way for HIM
to enter in entirely

and all along the way
as she made mistakes
He waited lovingly with arms opened wide
embracing her as she returned
loving her deeply through it all

why?
why did God put up with her? she wondered
and in gentle moments He explained

“I know what the ending looks like” He said
“who you are isn’t who you’ll be”

THAT keeps Him patient
THAT keeps Him constant
THAT keeps her holding on
for what she’ll truly be

“Where I’m At”

| Laura Lee Bonde

I feel like everything I’m doing now
I was born to do

when I write
something happens inside
like a spiritual birth
every time
and I walk away renewed

when I dance
I feel like I’m moving in heaven
free of thought
free of life
free to be me

when I work with women
I feel like every trauma I’ve been through
is their hope
because I’m on the other side
I’m grateful for all that I’ve been through

as a mother
I’m rewarded every moment
of every day
thoughts of my kids and grand baby
fill my heart

when I work with silk
I really feel like I know what I’m doing
even as I learn
like it was meant for me to do
and meant for me to create

when I speak
I feel like people listen
like really listen
and when they walk away
they’ve held on to what they needed

when I laugh
love overflows
into everyone around me
and when I cry
I think the same thing happens

I feel like I was born to do
everything I’m doing now

“The Next Generation”

| Laura Lee Bonde

[Written April 22, 2018, the Sunday before my mom died]

Every person in your life
is a teacher
They either show you who you want to be
or show you who you don’t

And every situation
has the same effect

Death
has the same effect

As I go through this painful trail
of losing my mother
I find more of myself

Instead of grieving what I missed
as a daughter
I’m strengthened to pour out
as a mother

Instead of regretting what’s been lost
in the past
I’m hoping for what I’ll create
in the future

The past will forever be behind me
as the future will always be in front of me
And it’s up to me to choose
the direction in which I walk

As I go through this painful trail
of losing my mother
I find more of the me I choose to be

“Ashes”

| Laura Lee Bonde

when I think about death
one word comes to me…
“paralyzing”

paralyzing to the one who passed
because life on this earth
ceased

paralyzing to the one left behind
where life seems to only happen
in the mind

why is my mom’s death
paralyzing my life?

most mornings
I find it hard to “move”
I can “think” about doing things all morning
but the action seems
invisible

when people say “how are you?”
my first thought is “my mom died”
I don’t SAY it
but it’s there
not haunting me
but reminding me

I just feel
p.a.r.a.l.y.z.e.d.

when it’s time for work
I get in robot mode and show up
when it’s time for flags
I lay there and stare

why is that?
am I morning?
am I tired?
is this grieving?

that’s why I’m writing
I’m hoping to clear the way
for motivation to enter in
for flags to get done
for accomplishments to happen

maybe it’s good
my mom and I weren’t that close
I can’t imagine how that’d be if we were
but that’s the paralyzing part

when my mom died
the hope of ever becoming closer
died with her

“The Three Hour Cry”

| Laura Lee Bonde

no matter what you do
life gets messy
if you’re living it

people come and go
friends live and die
kids stay and leave

it just…
happens
this life stuff

but I’ve had friendships
that molded my future
and changed my life

I’ve experienced love
that inspired me to BE more
to live more

I’ve grown into the mom
that I wanted to be
that I was meant to be

and along the way
I’ve learned more and more
of who I’m not

being true to myself
has led me to confidence
and seeing my beauty

staying one with God
has lifted me through the toughest times
and the deepest griefs

His Oneness guides me
to love deeper
without walls

and every day
brings a chance to learn
what makes you smile

and today I learned
greasy food and chocolate
feed grief well

“Church-Hopping”

| Laura Lee Bonde

life was never confusing for her
she stumbled threw it quite easily
having never known “right”
she never noticed wrong
until that one day

as she looked at her kids
she wondered what to do
so they wouldn’t turn out like her

frantically
she searched within
to find out what was missing
but it wasn’t what
it was “Who”

God had not been sought

of course that was it!
without Him
life had been full of drugs
alcohol
cussing
and more

but how does one get God for her kids?
thus began the “church-hopping”
she’d hopped enough bars in her lifetime
now to the houses of God

one by one she sat
until finally at rest
but as she tried to ‘get God for her kids’
she ran into Him herself
but it took a while
for her to step INTO His heart

comfort was a place in chaos
love had been a place in bed
honor and respect were never spoken
and peace had been torment

how do you grow out of hell that’s normal
how do you receive a life void of drama
if wrong seems right
then right will seem wrong

eventually
Good prevailed in her heart
and what once was lost
has been recreated in time
never to be misplaced again

“Butterfly Effect”

| Laura Lee Bonde

A beautiful heart
can be misunderstood
at any given moment

A heart that loves wholly
can be taken romantically
when it wasn’t given that way

Where are the times
of close friendships
or have those times ended

Love can be such a beautiful thing
yet at the same time
it can cause such heartache

I dance to dance
not to be danced with

I love to love
not to be loved

I listen to hear
not to be heard

I talk to communicate
not to flirt

This open little butterfly heart
wants to fly back in the cocoon
but I guess that’d be like
entering back in the womb

So I’ll continue to dance
to love
to listen and talk
and continue causing heartache
along the way