“Pondering”

in the silence
she writes
to become what she is

no mirrors
no windows
just reflection

there’s the past she’s forgotten
and a past that she makes
only one worth remembering

every word
every tear
every breath

released in a song
moved by a poem
expressed with a word

in the stillness
she thinks
where she was and is

sometimes the memories
whether bad or good
help navigate the way

so she thinks
so she writes
and she sings what will be

“Back to Square One”

throughout living
so many things change
time
moments
love
moods
seasons

and amidst the change
there’s growth
and amidst the growth
there’s pain
and amidst the pain
there’re tears
and amidst the tears
you may find a friend

but even friends
change with time

those close by
seem far away
those far away
seem close by
some acquaintances
become friends
some friends
become acquaintances
and through it all
I often find myself

alone

in church
aa
relationships

yes people are there
and some become friends
but as I walk to each path
I’m alone

I KNOW God is with me
but even HE said
it’s not good
for “man” to be alone
yet HE was there

so as I drive to AA
as I visit different churches
and in certain conversations
I’m alone

I get turned around but never lost
it seems heavy but always light
I get weary but grab hold
of the ONE Who never changes
and someday
I won’t be

alone

“Cosmetics”

if you can’t see your beauty
wear it

all last week
I felt ugly
until Friday
when I wore makeup

maybe it helps
to get “dolled up”
before you go inside
and see what’s wrong

putting on a face
helped me
step through
the looking glass

“First Day Sadness”

[written 10/13/16]

yesterday
here’s what made me cry
about Nathan

an “Applebee’s” sign
thinking about dinner
seeing a 13yr old boy

the sign
on the side of the freeway
a place Nathan’d wanted to go
but we never went

in Sam’s Club
wondering what to make
realizing Nathan wouldn’t be
sitting at the table

in Target
seeing a teenage boy
wearing a mask
posing for snapchat

really?
is this
how it’ll be

as it gets better
will I cry less
will I harden?

thank God
for the women in AA
who heard my heart
and handed me tissue

“Search Party”

you used to know her

where is she?

I’ve looked and can’t find her

blurred vision

gasping for air

searching in the midst

the air is thick

the path is dark

have you seen her?

did she go this way?

it’s like she’s invisible

except in the mirror

staring back at me

“Anonymys”

I’ve finally gotten
to the place
I never wanted
to be

where there’re no words
no expression of thought
to reach out to others
from inside

a place where I’m not
my own
a place hidden away
behind a curtain

and it breaks my heart

one thing different
about me
has been my
transparency

well

when two become one
I guess I’m not one
anymore
but two

and my other half
would like to leave
his book closed

this is so very sad to me
I can’t explain how it
hurts
and maybe – now –
I can’t

was this part of God’s plan
I can’t imagine it would be
we’ll see how it goes
maybe writing in code

if he knew what was on ‘here’
it’d break him
he only sees faKebook
and that hurts him

if I could turn back time
I’d never get married
I’d never split up my kids
I’d never be in Texas

but here I am
a writer without a pen
a poet without an outlet
a wife without a smile
a woman trapped
on the inside