“Response Ability”

throughout life
you’ll encounter people
who may not know who they are
and as they speak to you
they’ll tear you down
with words looks and actions
but if you live your life through God’s heart
even as they tear you down
He’ll be rebuilding

it’s who He is
it’s what He does

and in every moment of pain
you’ll have the chance to decide
will you react in fear
or will you respond in love

Time can be Damaging

This is my experience only. I’m not a therapist or a counselor or a doctor of any sort. I’m just a woman who’s gone through some things, so I might as well write about one of them.

“Relationships take work.” I’ve heard that so many times and even more so since I’ve been married, and I can tell you from this past year: yes, relationships take work, but if you’re the only one working, it won’t last very long.

Let me put it to you this way: if you have a close friend who never talks to you, even if you meet with them face to face them every day, do you think your “close” friendship will last?

The answer is NO because friendships require vulnerability, vulnerability requires openness, and openness requires talking. These are the raw ingredients needed to have a very healthy relationship.

Talking about what’s going on inside your heart and mind tears down walls that may be protecting you from being known, and being known is what brings people close.

In my life right now, I have someone who never talks to me. I tried and tried to explain the damage it had been creating, but they couldn’t seem to hear or listen, and now…now, it’s too late. Hopefully, in time, we’ll become friends again, but for now, it’s like we’re nothing.

What hurts my heart the most is that I KNOW how good relationships can be. I KNOW the beauty and the nurturing that comes from it, but you can’t MAKE anyone understand as you do, and in this case, the understanding may never come.

Finally, I’m at a point in my life where I’m unwilling to settle. Life is SO worth living and experiencing and enjoying, but I guess each enjoys it in their own special way.

“War Games”

you can feel whole alone
but as soon as you enter relationship
you’ll find there’re some things you “need”
from the other person

it seems to be
the way God created it to work

if you’ve spent a lot of time alone
it may be hard to identify
if you’re full of pride
it may be very hard to accept

but it’s a give and take
not a tug of war

“Letting Go”

[written 1/15/17]

When people are in a bad relationship
Others tend to tell them to ‘hold on’

Hold on to what?

To the tears?
That seem to slip away?

To the silence?
That crawls under your skin?

To the love?
That can’t be seen or heard?

To the bitterness?
That cuts like a knife?

To God?
Who lives inside of me?

I’ll hold on to myself
And see where I take God

“Fear of Writing”

I wish you knew me
all the bad relationships
I’ve been in

day after day
month after month
then years

wasting the time
meant for my kids
yet lost in a man

since living for God
loving my body
I’ve had three relationships

one too horrible to remember
one too secret to tell
and one now

but this time
I’m married

each time molds
new memories to forget
in my kids

each time
their whole lives
I’ve made them second

now holding them

but this time
I’m married

I had so much hope
of a happy home
I was doing things right

but in whose eyes?

meltdown after meltdown
every time losing me
every time…existing

but I want to Live!

where is the light in this tunnel
if love never fails
then what?

how long is faith supposed to last
until it works?

it’s in these moments
when I’m left inside to write
that feelings come out

feelings of doom
feeling estranged
feelings of lesser

last wednesday
I had a meltdown
in marriage counseling

so much so
she’s dividing us
to counsel separately

I hope that helps

friends tell me
God hates divorce
it’s not about being happy
you need to change

but they don’t ask
how it is
so they don’t know

he never talks to me
or the kids
he’s isolated in front of us
takes everything personally
has intimate issues

we’ve become strangers

sex is non-existent
because of me
I’m not okay
with having sex with a stranger
I’ve done that
it’s called prostitution

writing is my honesty
I begin to write a poem
but more comes out

in words
in tears
in sighs

there’s still a part of me
that fears
writing how I really feel

Tired of Goodbyes

On Sunday, I quit drinking coffee, but the reason may surprise you.

The “thought” to quit came to me on Saturday night at The Prelude. I was listening to the music, watching Katie with Ariel, and decided I wanted to be “awake” for the next two months, so I can be aware of every moment with them, and I knew the best way to be “awake” would be to get coffee out of my system.


You see, Katie and Ariel will be moving back to San Diego near the end of January, and at the moment, that devastates me. Through moving here, God’s really given us a relationship that we’ve never had before, a closeness that we’ve never experienced, so for her to be leaving feels like it’s crushing my heart (or what’s left of it anyway).

For good reasons, she wants to leave: she wants Ariel to be close to her father and vice versa (something Katie’s never had); she wants to make a relationship work with Ariel’s dad and, maybe, continue building a family; she wants to enjoy the climate where she lives and, actually, have a life outside, which is nearly impossible to do here (in the summer anyway); and she wants to live in a happy, loving home, which we’ve been unable to create here (yet (but still trying)).

It’s all very frustrating, but it’s part of life…THIS life anyway, and one way of “coping” with this is to stop drinking coffee, so that my body’s natural adrenaline will carry me through each day AWAKE because I’m tired of missing my kids when they’re gone and don’t plan on missing them (anymore) while they’re still here.

My physical family keeps getting smaller.

If you want to COMMENT that God’s “removing” my kids for any particular reason, SAVE IT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!