I wish you knew me
all the bad relationships
I’ve been in
day after day
month after month
then years
wasting the time
meant for my kids
yet lost in a man
since living for God
loving my body
I’ve had three relationships
one too horrible to remember
one too secret to tell
and one now
but this time
I’m married
each time molds
new memories to forget
in my kids
each time
their whole lives
I’ve made them second
now holding them
first
but this time
I’m married
I had so much hope
of a happy home
Finally
I was doing things right
but in whose eyes?
meltdown after meltdown
every time losing me
every time…existing
but I want to Live!
where is the light in this tunnel
if love never fails
then what?
how long is faith supposed to last
until it works?
it’s in these moments
when I’m left inside to write
that feelings come out
feelings of doom
feeling estranged
feelings of lesser
last wednesday
I had a meltdown
in marriage counseling
so much so
she’s dividing us
to counsel separately
I hope that helps
friends tell me
God hates divorce
it’s not about being happy
you need to change
etc
but they don’t ask
how it is
so they don’t know
he never talks to me
or the kids
he’s isolated in front of us
takes everything personally
has intimate issues
we’ve become strangers
roommates
sex is non-existent
because of me
I’m not okay
with having sex with a stranger
I’ve done that
it’s called prostitution
see?
writing is my honesty
I begin to write a poem
but more comes out
in words
in tears
in sighs
there’s still a part of me
that fears
writing how I really feel