“False Evidence Appearing Real”

what have I become?
I’ve become more of who I am

there’re still some words inside
holding back from coming out
and it makes me wonder

why?
who am I protecting?
who am I afraid of?

if God is for me
who can be against me?

at times…many

but in reality
as much as people have the right to bully online
I have the right to speak my mind
whether you like it or not

but still
if I can’t take the heat
there’s always the delete button

“Testing the Waters”

I’m back
although people may not’ve noticed me
gone
but I’m back
I think

in a way I shut down
being open about my life
because of advice
because of fear
because of betrayal

but one thing’s for certain
I feel “called” to write
publicly
so when I don’t
I feel out of balance

you’ve missed birthdays
and deaths
trials
and triumphs

so as I stand up strong
with my core intact
I’ll let every word
flow
from my heart and mind

I’m no longer
afraid
to be me

if you don’t want me
to write about you
don’t hurt me

“Fear of Writing”

I wish you knew me
all the bad relationships
I’ve been in

day after day
month after month
then years

wasting the time
meant for my kids
yet lost in a man

since living for God
loving my body
I’ve had three relationships

one too horrible to remember
one too secret to tell
and one now

but this time
I’m married

each time molds
new memories to forget
in my kids

each time
their whole lives
I’ve made them second

now holding them
first

but this time
I’m married

I had so much hope
of a happy home
Finally
I was doing things right

but in whose eyes?

meltdown after meltdown
every time losing me
every time…existing

but I want to Live!

where is the light in this tunnel
if love never fails
then what?

how long is faith supposed to last
until it works?

it’s in these moments
when I’m left inside to write
that feelings come out

feelings of doom
feeling estranged
feelings of lesser

last wednesday
I had a meltdown
in marriage counseling

so much so
she’s dividing us
to counsel separately

I hope that helps

friends tell me
God hates divorce
it’s not about being happy
you need to change
etc

but they don’t ask
how it is
so they don’t know

he never talks to me
or the kids
he’s isolated in front of us
takes everything personally
has intimate issues

we’ve become strangers
roommates

sex is non-existent
because of me
I’m not okay
with having sex with a stranger
I’ve done that
it’s called prostitution

see?
writing is my honesty
I begin to write a poem
but more comes out

in words
in tears
in sighs

there’s still a part of me
that fears
writing how I really feel

Ants

Isn’t it funny (but not) how what’s going on on the outside can affect the inside and how what’s going on on the inside can affect the outside?! I think the secret is living inside out.

“Through the Window”

[written 10/14/16]

you know what I love about being open?
you see the good times and bad

you see the moments
that’ve made me laugh
and the quicksand of tears
that’ve pulled me under

you see life being lived
and some death of myself

you’ve seen
depression
adventure
struggle
joy

I don’t mind being me and living where I am
it was those moments of wanting to die
that bothered me so

people need love
so why not be it wherever I go

there’re those who hate God
and those who seek Him
or something at least
and the aroma of His love
is the fragrance that’ll draw
people closer to His heart

“Anonymys”

I’ve finally gotten
to the place
I never wanted
to be

where there’re no words
no expression of thought
to reach out to others
from inside

a place where I’m not
my own
a place hidden away
behind a curtain

and it breaks my heart

one thing different
about me
has been my
transparency

well

when two become one
I guess I’m not one
anymore
but two

and my other half
would like to leave
his book closed

this is so very sad to me
I can’t explain how it
hurts
and maybe – now –
I can’t

was this part of God’s plan
I can’t imagine it would be
we’ll see how it goes
maybe writing in code

if he knew what was on ‘here’
it’d break him
he only sees faKebook
and that hurts him

if I could turn back time
I’d never get married
I’d never split up my kids
I’d never be in Texas

but here I am
a writer without a pen
a poet without an outlet
a wife without a smile
a woman trapped
on the inside

“Windows”

some people say
only share the positive

I don’t agree

I share my heart
so when I cry
you cry
when I laugh
you laugh

as I go through life
you share my life
the lowest lows
the highest highs

you’ve see where I’ve been
and where I’ve let God lead me
by faith
by love
by passion

thank you for being
part of my life
past
present
and future