Yesterday, I had coffee with a friend and was telling her a little about my past because it related to our discussion. Through remembering, I was surprised I was even saying it.
For me, one of the biggest struggles in life was remaining faithful in a relationship, which, actually, wasn’t a “struggle” because I just never chose to be. When I walked into AA for the first time, I was in a relationship. When that one ended, I was free to be the me I was, which was lost (as a “Christian” woman).
At this point, I had been a Christian for about a year and a half, which meant I went to church on Sundays, sat through bible studies, and sort of prayed. My language was bad; my outlook was bad…a lot was “veiled” to light, and when I started “dating,” I didn’t even notice something was wrong.
I was never really ON any “dates,” and I wasn’t really anyone’s “girlfriend.” I was always a secret or a booty-call. This lasted almost three years, but near the end of two-thousand-eight, things began to change.
It was then that I started reading a bible translation that I understood, and His words began to change my mind about things, so I put my foot down and said, “I’m not sleeping with anyone else, unless he’s a boyfriend.” Back then, that was a HUGE step for me, so I found a boyfriend and continued on.
It didn’t take long for that relationship to end, so I was left alone again and went right back into being a booty-call, a friend with “benefits,” but by this time, it had been a few months of soaking in God’s word, so all of it tormented me BIG TIME.
Literally, I would receive a text or a call asking for me to come over. I’d come up with some lame excuse and kiss the kids goodbye. While on my way to whoever’s house, I’d talk to God through tears.
I couldn’t stop and hated what I was doing. Some people will tell me that that’s “normal” Christian behavior and refer to Romans 7. I don’t buy it; otherwise, I’d have those same spirit-flesh-tug-of-wars now, and I don’t, but I’m still following Jesus, so…
I refer to Romans 8 because I’m led by His Spirit, no my flesh, but that’s a whole other writing.
Anyway, during that time, that part of my life wasn’t surrendered to God yet, so I would cry on my way there because I knew how I’d feel afterward; I knew I wouldn’t talk to God for awhile out of shame, dirt, filth. It happened every time, so before I even arrived at my destination, I was missing Him dearly. He’d become my friend, and I didn’t know how to be faithful to Him, until that one day (but I think I’ve already written about that).
One of the best decisions I’ve ever made was to devote my body to God.
Through telling this story, I couldn’t even believe the woman I’d been talking about was me. I am COMPLETELY different, now. I “feel” like a virgin because of my new nature that’s not bound to sin. I don’t even want to be kissed until my wedding day because I KNOW where kissing has taken me, and I’m not willing to go down that road again. The freedom I live now is priceless.
I just noticed those words “I’m not willing.” That’s the key! To quit anything toxic, anything at all, you have to be “not willing” to do it any longer. If you’re not there but want to be, ask God to convince you to be “not willing” to go there anymore. It WILL happen.
Jesus died, so we could become adopted into His family: a place of peace; of comfort; of unconditional love; of acceptance; of trusting in one another with who we’ve been, with who we’ve become, and with who we’re growing into. We’re sons and daughters of The God of the Universe! Let’s love and nurture our family members into wholeness of the truth that they’re complete in Him!