you know what I’ve realized?
I’m normal for “me”
no one can walk through this
like I am
and I can’t walk through it
like anyone else

we’re all different

I’m grateful for my ups and downs
because I’m learning to work through them
the challenge I have
is to “feel” without judging myself

easier said than done

my poor counselor
I feel like he keeps having to repeat himself
but it seems like in between seeing him
I forget
but today
he said I’m doing much better!

my walk is mine
my look is mine
my nature is mine
and I’m pretty happy with it

Radiation isn’t that scary after all

So, leading up to today was pretty scary but walking though it was very hopeful.

Believe it or not, the oncologist (Dr. Sarhill) had good news for me. First off, he was very straightforward and to the point. Before I could ask any questions, he had answered a lot.

By his observation, he believes I’m at Stage 1 (maybe Stage 2). We won’t know until they test the tumor.

After the lumpectomy and testing, I have two choices.

1. Have a mastectomy and be done with it,
2. Have radiation 5 days a week for 6 weeks, which would start mid April.

So far, I’m going for option 2. The radiation isn’t like it used to be, so I’ll be able to work through treatments.

I cannot tell you the silent worry I had going into this appointment. All of that worry was washed away by the knowledge that came out of his mouth. I just needed to hear it.

I’m finally excited to get this journey on to the next step!

“Buried Alive”

March 7, 2020

Where is she? Have you seen her?
I know she’s there

I see her face all over Facebook
Brightening the day
But I can’t find her

Have you seen her?

I don’t think she’s lost
Just buried
Buried beneath the pain and worry
Buried beneath the fear of not knowing
Buried beneath the sadness
Smothered beneath the breakdowns

Maybe she needs to break down
Before building back up
Maybe every tear that falls
Unearths another part of her

I’m hoping this hasn’t changed her
I’m hoping she’ll bounce right back
Because I miss her
She’s the me in me
That’s missing