My Son Turned 14 on 4/17/2017!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Nathan!! I know you won’t see this, but my heart doesn’t care, so I’m posting it anyway.

I’m so proud of you and miss you immensely!
There’re times when I think you’ve made the smartest decision out of all of us.
There’re times when I wonder how life will go on.
There’re times when I rage inside because you’re growing up without me.
There’re times when I rage inside because I’m growing up without you.
My bones miss your laughter.
My muscles miss your hugs.
My heart misses your smile.
But even though we’re far apart, you still turned 14!!
And even though we’re far apart, I’m still breathing.
I love you!

[Photo credit: Kyle, from the movie theater on 4/16/17]

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Yesterday was my birthday!

January 21, 2017

My first birthday without my boys.

My last birthday with Katie and Ariel.

Every day should be treated as a first and last because you never know if tomorrow will come.

I posted many pictures in an album on Facebook that you can access here, if you care to see, but there are some pictures that didn’t make it there.

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These are the flowers from my son. Every year, I wake up to them, and realizing I wouldn’t have them broke my heart, but he must’ve known that because he contacted Katie to have them bought for me, so when the girls and I arrived home from the sunrise, there they were.

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And this is my homemade carrot cake from Katie. It was the most amazing carrot cake I’ve ever eaten, and I just turned 45, so that’s a lot of carrot cake years to compare it to. It was DELISH!!

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And my candles…the red one’s for Kyle. The rest were Raider black and silver!! #raidernation

Healing Truth

As many of you know, yesterday was Katie’s birthday, and I was broke, but I “knew” money wasn’t important in celebrating her, so I had no doubts we would all have fun together, and I had been looking forward to giving her a very special card.

Back in March, I had found this beautiful card with all these red tulips surrounding a beautiful white one. Tulips are my very favorite flower, so this card caught my eye, and having the white tulip amidst the red ones was the picture of me standing in the blood of Jesus, purified, redeemed, restored, so I bought the card to use for my own.

Shortly after, I was scheduled to dance at Beach Chapel for Easter. All my kids went, and I was so excited to dance with God in their presence (for the very first time). After the service, I was going to write about the awe of it all in my special tulip card to remember forever. Well, after the service, all of that changed. Continue reading

Freedom of Twelve

As most of you know, Nathan turned twelve on Friday. In celebrating his birth, I celebrated a personal freedom that I had never experienced before. Let me explain.

When I was twelve, something happened that changed the course of my life forever: I had sex. Emotionally, I wasn’t ready. Physically, I wasn’t ready. Spiritually, I wasn’t ready, but it happened, and that experience took me on a journey of confusion, and every so often, I’ve been reminded of it. Continue reading