“Richness Within”

so
my steps led me Here
HERE
here

a life
not to be measured
by the world
yet

how could having nothing
feel like everything
and having everything
feel like nothing

starting over again
with everything
integrity
beauty
legacy

and having nothing
money
things
career

comparison destroys
hope
vision
accomplishment

having beautiful kids
a loving heart
a good good Father
and faith
will carry me through
each new step

“Interrogation”

the further I got away from writing
the louder doubt became that I’m even able to write
is there anything in my heart that needs hearing?
is it just another voice to drown out what’s real?
doubt has a cunning way of forming questions
and answers
but the secret in coming against it
is to have faith
because THAT will get you past all fear

Extinguishing Faith

When amazing situations turn out bad, I’m not sure how faith passes on because to get where I am took amazing faith, but if I told you (honestly) where I’m at, no one would follow, and I wouldn’t encourage you to.

That saddens me.

What’s the point of exercising extreme faith if, after I land, I advice everyone to back away from the cliff.

Faith is where your blindfolded, standing on the edge, and jump, expecting to be taught how to fly, but when you fall, your aches and pains tend to be warnings for others, so they don’t do the same thing.

Extinguishing faith.

Right now, in my life, I’d encourage moms to stay single and remain being one-hundred-percent there for their kids. I’d tell you not to marry your ex because it involves too much pain. I’d tell you not to move with your kids because the loss for them is too great and becoming a stranger is too painful. And I’d never encourage someone to become unequally yoked.

In other words, everything I’ve done, feeling moved by God in faith, I’d tell others NOT to do, so I’m not sure I find the good in that.

“Creating Love”

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this picture decribes my marriage
the light you see is hope

I blindly fell in love with him from a distance
through God’s heart
so when I came to live with him face to face
my eyes were opened to see

we had nothing in common
nothing to talk about
he had no goals for the kids
and treated me unkind

so love wasn’t an issue
it just wasn’t there
yet I’m married
so I’m here

and the more I get to know him
how it hurts to be married
nothing in common
nothing to talk about

but I’m here

marriage counseling
effort
and faith
are what I’m using

to create a love
that might last through the dark

Don’t Miss the Miracle

For the past couple weeks, the Harlingen High School’s been putting on a strength and conditioning camp for free, but on Thursday, something was different: this time, Nathan showed up.

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I know I’ve mentioned how hard this move’s been on Nathan, so getting him excited about football’s been challenging because there’re many things that discourage his mind (the weather, not knowing the kids, not having his brother coaching, etc.), but through it all, I’ve been trying to get him involved.

So far, Nathan’s being playing (a very little bit) on the 7-on-7 team, so he’d hadn’t been able to go to the conditioning camp (not like he wanted to anyway), but the 7-on-7 games ended a week ago Thursday, so he’s had time to go but hasn’t had the heart to.

A week ago Friday, I took him but found out they didn’t meet on Fridays. Then, on Monday, I had a tax meeting to go to and couldn’t take him, so Tuesday was “supposed” to be the day, but Nathan didn’t want to go, so I talked him into going and watching.

For about an hour, we sat in the car and watched the kids work out. As a mom, it broke my heart, and eventually, we left.

The next conditioning was to be on Wednesday, which was also youth group, so I gave Nathan the option of which to go to: youth group or football, and he chose youth group, which was fine by me.

At the church they go to for youth group, they also had a special speaker, so I decided to stay for it, and right before it began, the youth group came in, so Carolyn, Nathan, and I ended up listening to the same message, which spoke to each of us.

On Thursday, guess where Nathan chose to go: the strength and conditioning camp, and boy, was it a HARD workout! I stayed and watched every minute. Actually, it was so difficult for me; I wished I had a friend with me. Watching him try so hard, knowing what he’s been going through, feeling the heat…it took everything in me NOT to cry, but I held every tear inside and supported him.

Even now, I’m crying. This transition’s been so difficult! It’s one thing to go through it, but it’s another thing to watch your kids go through it. Anyway, even though he’d wanted to quit, he never gave up.

Afterward, on our way home, he spoke about the night before. He said, “Last night, that guy talked about God calling you where you didn’t want to go because that’s where the miracle’s hidden. I knew He meant football, so that’s why I went, but I didn’t see the miracle.”

He may not’ve seen it, but I did. Nathan showing up WAS the miracle! He’d heard God’s voice, followed it, and never gave up!

You know, I’ve heard it said before that “brave people” step out in faith, but actually, it’s the stepping out in faith which makes people brave. Nathan did it! He tackled the heat, the loneliness, the not knowing anyone, the isolation, the fear, and NEVER GAVE UP! And through it all, he may’ve made a friend.

Oh, and remember how I’d said I wished I’d had a friend with me? The next time we go, Carolyn said she’d go with me!