“Missing Persons”

every day
I break down
at least once

there’s been this sense of
lack
of responsibility

one less mouth to feed
one less child to wake
less clothes to wash
one less attitude to correct
one less

clearly I found
part of my identity
in being a mom

so if you find that part of me
let me know

“The Unmentionable”

it’s a terrible thing
to be in a marriage
and feel alone

how could invisible walls
be so concrete
how could silence
last so long

when one budges
the other moves away
and when the other budges
the one moves away

is there a solution worth hearing
is there advice worth listening to

do the days
turn into years
do the moments
become a lifetime

every time I stretch to jump
the hurdle gets higher
every time I give up
the water rises

and as each of my kids
jump onto a boat
I’m left behind
sinking

“Looking Back at Me”

when I look at myself
some times
I see the past
some times
I see the present

the weight I’ve gained
the parts that are aging
the gray
but then I think of the kids
and what they see

they see the mother they looked to
while breastfeeding
they see the profile of the mommy
who used to burp them
they see the beauty of the one
who’s made them smile
they see the comforting arms
that’ve held them
they see the lap they used to lay on
while watching movies
they see the hands of the woman
who has led them
they see the eyes and the face
of who’s always loved them

age doesn’t stick out to them
because they’re aging too
and we’re still growing
as a family
in the soil of love

“Cloudy, with a Chance of Rain”

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the quiet
brings the storm
poem after poem
wave after wave
of tears

when will my spirit
break through my soul
and Lighten the words
of my heart

a mother weaning
a wife fading
as friends turn away
and worry

all that’s left
is You in my heart
sifting through chaos
to bring clarity

as a mother
as a wife
as a friend

to a child
to a husband
to a friend

if I follow God
who cares what man thinks
but if I follow man
what will follow me

Next in Line: Cutting in front of people at the grocery store

Last night, I stayed up till midnight to celebrate my sobriety date, and here it is, almost midnight again, and I’m barely writing about it.

Every year, I seem to write about how I never think about drinking, but this year’s been different because of the last few months.

Lately, I don’t really write about how I’m feeling because, one, I’m married, and, two, I haven’t felt very positive, but to give you a little insight, here was my day, yesterday (the 23rd). Continue reading

“Straight Jacket”

the thing about isolating
is that you can’t hide
from yourself

where I go
I am
where I’ve been
I was
where I’m going
has yet to be seen

in a vision
in a dream
in my hopes
in reality

I’ve never been
in THIS place before
mentally
physically
emotionally
spiritually

surrounding me
are choices
not four corners
but a circle

and I’m the one
in the middle
rocking

Not ALL Bad

Since it’s been “difficult” here, I’m going to point out things I like.
I love hearing the birds talk…sometimes fifty at a time.
I love watching the trees blow through the window.
I love my yellow room.
I love sitting at our dining room table, eating dinner, playing games.
I love, when I’m first to wake up, sitting in the living room in silence.
I love sitting in that same silence in my bedroom.
I love dancing at church.
I love the breeze at the ocean; it sort of blows the humidity away.
And in the moments it happens, I love watching the kids have fun.
I love my talks with Katie.
I love the times when Scott and I laugh.
I love watching the kids grow.
I love cooking with my girls.
I love creating.

Anyway, those are some of the things I love. I’m sure I’m missing some, and I’m sure some are an exaggeration, but it’s good to focus on the beauty that’s all around me.