Last night, I stayed up till midnight to celebrate my sobriety date, and here it is, almost midnight again, and I’m barely writing about it.
Every year, I seem to write about how I never think about drinking, but this year’s been different because of the last few months.
Lately, I don’t really write about how I’m feeling because, one, I’m married, and, two, I haven’t felt very positive, but to give you a little insight, here was my day, yesterday (the 23rd).
Aw, August 23, 2016…the day my kids went to school for the first time in Texas, without knowing anyone, without the desire to go, and it was tough for me to witness.
When I first went in to wake them up, I broke down crying. The second time I went in, I broke down crying. The third time, I held it together, and eventually, we headed out the door.
The one thing I wanted to do as I drove them to school was pray over them, and the one thing I forgot to do as I drove them to school was pray over them, and I thought I was going to lose it, but I held it together (pretty well), until I got home and, then, broke down in Katie’s room.
How could I forget to pray over them?! Anyway, I carried on with my day, as if nothing was the matter, only everything was the matter.
In running errands, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a candy bar for Katie, and when I got to the line, the lady in front of me let me go in front of her. As I moved up, I saw the lady in front of me push her basket forward, so I assumed she was done and handed the candy bar to the cashier.
With a deer-in-the-headlights look, he took the candy bar and rang it up. Right then, the lady in front of me turned around and told him it was okay. Immediately, I awoke out of my stupor and realized I’d totally cut in front of her. She hadn’t pushed her basket all the way through, only far enough to reach the credit card machine. I felt like such an idiot!
I started apologizing profusely, and over and over again, she told me it was okay. I finished the transaction and headed outside.
On the way to the car, I asked God, “What’s wrong with me!”, and when I GOT to the car, I broke down crying…crying about the kids’ first day, crying because I cut in front of somebody, crying because of everything, and as I drove away, one thought came to mind.
“Why do I even bother to have eleven years sober?!”
What!!! The thought came so fast; it was insane, but it hadn’t been the FIRST time I’d thought about drinking.
Because of the difficulties I’ve been faced with recently, I’ve looked at the alcohol in the house and wondered why not drink it, but every time, I’d immediately answer, “Because I don’t WANT to.” I really don’t. Plus, I knew the depression was tempting me to drink, and I knew that was the LAST thing I needed. Needless to say, this sobriety date meant a lot to me and took me to an AA meeting this afternoon.
At the meeting, I met so many people and was welcomed with open arms. They gave me an eleven year token and let me speak briefly, so I shared a run-on sentence about my recovery and sat down. After the meeting, a woman approached me.
When she came up, she seemed eager to meet me. After saying hello, she asked me if I’d sponsor her. I told her I would. Now, it’s been a long time since I’ve taken someone through the steps, so I’m meeting with her tomorrow to see if she still wants me as a sponsor. Regardless of the outcome, I’ll walk through life with her and teach her of the True Freedom I have.
A lot of times, people say, “Don’t put God in a box,” but I think WE’re the ones who get stuck in a box called “church.”
Since I’ve been here, I’ve sought out churches to find a home group and have gone to prayer meetings and bible studies and had been thinking, “Who’re you reaching out to, Laura? Every group your involved in GOES to church. What about those who haven’t MADE IT to church,” so I’d decided to do something about it.
Well, today, I did. I never go to AA to lean on people. I’ve got God for that. I go there to build relationships and watch what God does. I believe a shift has happened in the last couple days in more ways than one.
Oh, and by the way, the kids, each, had a good first day of school: both of them enjoyed their teachers and made (possible) friends. Today was a little tougher, but I think that has to do with their lack of sleep. Tomorrow should be better, simply because I made chocolate chip cookies from scratch, which makes for an amazing breakfast!!