My Latest Breakdown

Last night, on my drive home from work, I had the worst breakdown yet.

I “could” tell you what led up to it, but that’s not the type of person I am, so I’ll only explain what I went through.

In the car, I was listening to “The Greatest Showman” soundtrack, which I often do because I LOVE it. Anyway, during the second song, I began to cry deeply, not because of the lyrics but because of my mom’s death (I’m assuming).

I was crying so hard, I could barely see, but I couldn’t seem to pull over. The thought came to me, but my foot wouldn’t reach out for the break, and my cruise control was set on seventy two mph, so I did my best to keep the wheel straight and drove.

At one point, I was so scared, I cried out through my wailing, “I DON’T WANNA DIE!” and asked Holy Spirit to help me drive. Obviously, He did because I made it home safely.

All I wanted to do was make it home.

Just like any other job, sometimes, you have your bad days, and yesterday was a bad day at work. From being talked to about something out of my control to being talked at through… It was, almost, unbearable.

Without Jesus, I don’t know how I would’ve handled it all. I really don’t understand how people live without Him. I would never choose to go back to that life.

But my breakdown…it was so intense. During it, I cried out a few things:

“WHY ARE PEOPLE SO MEAN!”
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
“I CAN’T HANDLE THIS”
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
etc.

I’m so glad God was there with me. Had I not known that, I doubt I’d be here writing right now.

In the past, I’ve never really given grief too much thought, and now that I’m dancing with it, I look forward to the times when we sit out a song or two. MAYBE, someday, I’ll understand it, but for now, I’ll just live through it.

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Experience, Strength, and Hope

Last night, I had a BLAST speaking at the recovery meeting!

Every time I share my story, I never know what’s going to happen because I leave that up to God. I don’t plan anything; I just show up, open my mouth, and let His Spirit flow through me, and in the end, I hope that “someone” was touched by His words, and at the end of the meeting last night, I met who that someone was.

About twenty minutes before the meeting, a woman from the East Coast had made the last minute decision to go. She believes her recent trip to Harlingen, a drive over 1800 miles long, was to hear God speak through me at that meeting. What an honor is that! I just love the extreme God goes to to chase after “the one.”

When I think about what I shared, it was all about God. I talked about the mess I was without Him, my seeking Him for the kids, my finding Him, and my walking through Him in recovery. It was amazing!

My life is not my own.

If my life was my own, I’d be mourning my mother every moment of every day, but I don’t. I stay focused on Him and the life I’m leading and let the grief come and go wave by wave, and let me tell you: it comes at the weirdest times.

Last night, after the meeting, some friends came over for Carolyn’s yummy spaghetti, and after we ate, a few of us went to a late night showing of “Avengers: Infinity War.”

During one of the scenes where they were fighting, I had a vision of my mom when she’d kissed me in the hospital bed a bunch of times (without her teeth). Is that not the strangest timing for me to remember her! Anyway, another weird thing happened in that movie theater.

I’m a crier at movies…very emotional (at the drop of a hat), but last night was “different.”

As sad parts happened and I heard sniffles all around me, I sat there stone-cold…no emotion, and I wondered if it was because real death was so near me that fake death seemed far away. I don’t know. All I know is that not one scene affected me emotionally.

If I really want to know where I stand with that, I guess could watch a tearjerker and see what happens, but it’s not that important to me. I’m just very grateful for last night: the speaking; the yummy food; the fellowship; and the movie with friends.

THAT’s what recovery’s about, and that’s what living’s all about, too!

Celebrating Recovery

Yesterday, after my swim, I went up to the lifeguards to tell them I’d been sober twelve years. They were so excited for me!! It left me wondering: do others do that?

I’ve never been ashamed of my recovery. Actually, it’s the exact opposite: I’m very proud of being sober, having worked the steps through alcoholics anonymous, having gone even deeper with God in His word…very proud, indeed!

I never had hope of even being able to go ONE DAY without alcohol. Actually, there’s a funny story about that.

When I first started going to church in 2004, they had a women’s retreat, which I was invited to attend, so I did but was deathly afraid of how I’d be able to sleep without drinking, so you know what I did? I took Benadryl with me, so I could knock myself out at night, but to my surprise, I never used it. I was stunned! But it didn’t stop me from drinking as soon as I got back, and it took me another year and a half before I finally listened to God about going to AA.

Man, you wanna talk about a prison! It was a horrible way to live! I would leave bible studies paranoid because I thought they’d follow me to the liquor store and catch me buying booze. I was ALWAYS looking over my shoulder.

If you, by chance, are reading this post and have a problem with anything, please message me or something, so I can pray for you. You DON’T have to be alone EVER AGAIN!

Sobriety

Yesterday, I was surprised that I never got around to writing about my sobriety, but then again, I wasn’t that surprised at all.

You see, there’s been a fear in me about writing: who can know; things aren’t perfect; how can I be honest without drowning others; how can I be transparent without exposing…the list of fears goes on and on, and that list has kept me from writing, but that’s letting fear control me, which isn’t who I am at all.

The moment I stepped into God, Continue reading

“Never Runs Dry”

the sound of a river
do you hear it?

trickling through
sometimes rushing
always moving

now imagine that river
coming straight from heaven
through your spirit

that’s what it’s like
knowing Jesus

“The Power of One”

alone: all one
alone with God: all one with God

but there are other types of alone

like being alone in a relationship
like being alone at a movie
like being alone in Texas

when I moved from everything I knew
and everyone I’d known
I thought it wouldn’t affect me
but almost immediately
it did

moving from everything
to almost nothing

it took its toll on me
on my emotional stability
on my spiritual identity
and I was alone

yes I made friends along the way
but none believe what I do
and yes I was never alone
but in some ways I was

but being alone to walk through things
was empowering

to know that nothing is impossible for me

sometimes
you have to walk alone
sometimes
its better to walk alone
sometimes
it’s about being all one

please don’t be offended
this is simply my poem

I know so many pray and think good thoughts
but I’m talking about the times when I couldn’t breathe
the times my face swelled up from crying
the long drive back from dropping off Nathan
and many more

alone
finding power in the only Source I know
finding comfort in the only Blanket I know
finding peace in the only Man I know
alone

trust me
nothing is impossible for me
I’m invincible
because I live in victory

even when darkness closed in around me
my path was always lit

“The Last Dance”

[1/9/17]

what is normal
anyway

what is normal
anyway

she sought her own
way away
and in the club
she saw

who she wasn’t
but who she needed
to be

that first shift
came with endless
drinks
a vicious circle
never meant to be

every hello
came with a compliment
every tip
came with a touch

something needed
something wanted
something more

a vicious circle
never meant to be

day after day
shift after shift
drink after drink

who was God
anyway

who was God
anyway

the darkest road
without an end
but just maybe there was
maybe there was

one by one
things removed
dancing stopped
drugs ran out
and step by step
led to recovery

just me with Him
to find me

Poetry Open Mic Night

Poetry Night at The Prelude was really good last night, except I forgot to ask someone to record it, but it went well.

I read some poems that explained who I used to be and how Jesus changed my life. I was asked, for next time, if I’d bring my flags and dance a song. Only God knows what that meant to me, especially now.

Very recently (on Wednesday), I questioned in my heart if I should even use them in public anymore (because of someone’s reaction to them). What that person did and said felt like it crushed me, so wouldn’t that just be God’s timing?!

Right after I felt crushed by one, I was lifted by another.

To me, it’s more than a dance. It’s more like a passion!

Next month, when I dance a song, I’ll see if someone will record it. (Sometimes, that’s hard to find.)

“My Dance With Jesus” (click photo)
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