Time can be Damaging

This is my experience only. I’m not a therapist or a counselor or a doctor of any sort. I’m just a woman who’s gone through some things, so I might as well write about one of them.

“Relationships take work.” I’ve heard that so many times and even more so since I’ve been married, and I can tell you from this past year: yes, relationships take work, but if you’re the only one working, it won’t last very long.

Let me put it to you this way: if you have a close friend who never talks to you, even if you meet with them face to face them every day, do you think your “close” friendship will last?

The answer is NO because friendships require vulnerability, vulnerability requires openness, and openness requires talking. These are the raw ingredients needed to have a very healthy relationship.

Talking about what’s going on inside your heart and mind tears down walls that may be protecting you from being known, and being known is what brings people close.

In my life right now, I have someone who never talks to me. I tried and tried to explain the damage it had been creating, but they couldn’t seem to hear or listen, and now…now, it’s too late. Hopefully, in time, we’ll become friends again, but for now, it’s like we’re nothing.

What hurts my heart the most is that I KNOW how good relationships can be. I KNOW the beauty and the nurturing that comes from it, but you can’t MAKE anyone understand as you do, and in this case, the understanding may never come.

Finally, I’m at a point in my life where I’m unwilling to settle. Life is SO worth living and experiencing and enjoying, but I guess each enjoys it in their own special way.

“War Games”

you can feel whole alone
but as soon as you enter relationship
you’ll find there’re some things you “need”
from the other person

it seems to be
the way God created it to work

if you’ve spent a lot of time alone
it may be hard to identify
if you’re full of pride
it may be very hard to accept

but it’s a give and take
not a tug of war

It’s Been Awhile…

Well, I’m out of hiding. Here’s a small explanation of what happened to put me in there.

For the longest time, my blog’s been my journal. I’ve been this “open book” for years, and then, I remarried my ex-husband.

The marriage hasn’t been going well, and I’ve been writing along the way, until late January, when he read through my website. Anyway, since then, I changed my settings to “private” and, for the most part, stopped writing.

Since then, I’ve written some poems on Facebook but never transferred them here because it was “private;” I mean, why bother? And as far as my other writing has gone…well, it hasn’t, but I’m tired of hiding, so I’m letting my website be seen and will start, next week, hiding any work that involves my husband.

If you want a private life, never marry a life writer, and if you don’t want anything bad written about you, then treat people well, and if you don’t know how to treat people well, get help! There’re many resources out there to assist you along the way.

Communication is the key that unlocks the prison of unresolved conflict.

Ever since my husband read my website…

I’ve had immense trouble writing. 😦

I’ve done a few poems and such but haven’t posted them here, but I will.

Writing has helped me through the toughest of times.

Now, I’m forced to change.

I’m not sure what “force” is doing the pushing though…doesn’t feel like God.

But, I’ve been wrong before.

“Grab a Shovel”

some people wonder where I am
because I’ve been hidden away
in silence
here’s an honest poem
to let you in

when I see my reflection
it’s hard to see my beauty
and it seems every day
I’m disgusted with my weight

I cry on the outside
but more often than not
I cry inside

I’m in that transition where
nothing seems right
but everything seems
how it should be

it’s easier to stay hidden
than expose how I am
so I smile for the camera
and cringe

my stubbornness looks
for the answers alone
because with Him
nothing has power to affect

but as you can tell
I may need some help
but only from friends
who don’t judge

the power to overcome
lives inside of me
but somehow (at times)
it seems buried

She leaves on January 31st

[written 1/17/17]

On Sunday morning, I wasn’t feeling well, and as I was talking to Katie, I began weeping and couldn’t stop. Then, Katie started naming off all the positive things that’ve happened as a result of the past seven months, and eventually, I stopped crying. I’m gonna miss her.

“Letting Go”

[written 1/15/17]

When people are in a bad relationship
Others tend to tell them to ‘hold on’

Hold on to what?

To the tears?
That seem to slip away?

To the silence?
That crawls under your skin?

To the love?
That can’t be seen or heard?

To the bitterness?
That cuts like a knife?

To God?
Who lives inside of me?

I’ll hold on to myself
And see where I take God