“Fear of Writing”

I wish you knew me
all the bad relationships
I’ve been in

day after day
month after month
then years

wasting the time
meant for my kids
yet lost in a man

since living for God
loving my body
I’ve had three relationships

one too horrible to remember
one too secret to tell
and one now

but this time
I’m married

each time molds
new memories to forget
in my kids

each time
their whole lives
I’ve made them second

now holding them
first

but this time
I’m married

I had so much hope
of a happy home
Finally
I was doing things right

but in whose eyes?

meltdown after meltdown
every time losing me
every time…existing

but I want to Live!

where is the light in this tunnel
if love never fails
then what?

how long is faith supposed to last
until it works?

it’s in these moments
when I’m left inside to write
that feelings come out

feelings of doom
feeling estranged
feelings of lesser

last wednesday
I had a meltdown
in marriage counseling

so much so
she’s dividing us
to counsel separately

I hope that helps

friends tell me
God hates divorce
it’s not about being happy
you need to change
etc

but they don’t ask
how it is
so they don’t know

he never talks to me
or the kids
he’s isolated in front of us
takes everything personally
has intimate issues

we’ve become strangers
roommates

sex is non-existent
because of me
I’m not okay
with having sex with a stranger
I’ve done that
it’s called prostitution

see?
writing is my honesty
I begin to write a poem
but more comes out

in words
in tears
in sighs

there’s still a part of me
that fears
writing how I really feel

“Too much Too late”

You know how
You meet someone
Unattractive
Yet the more you get
To know them
The handsomer they become

What if you do things backwards

What if you marry someone
Attractive
Yet the more you get
To know them
The less handsome
They become?

What I thought I knew
Wasn’t
And what I’m finding out
Shouldn’t be

“In Between”

some things in life
aren’t making sense
and that irritates me
because some of them seem bad

yet I know Who God is
and I know His thoughts for me
yet I’m not seeing them

so is this the hallway?
so many doors on either side
but I’m to wait for the one in front of me

so I trust
and live
and ponder
this path

hoping
to walk through
and understand it all

Extinguishing Faith

When amazing situations turn out bad, I’m not sure how faith passes on because to get where I am took amazing faith, but if I told you (honestly) where I’m at, no one would follow, and I wouldn’t encourage you to.

That saddens me.

What’s the point of exercising extreme faith if, after I land, I advice everyone to back away from the cliff.

Faith is where your blindfolded, standing on the edge, and jump, expecting to be taught how to fly, but when you fall, your aches and pains tend to be warnings for others, so they don’t do the same thing.

Extinguishing faith.

Right now, in my life, I’d encourage moms to stay single and remain being one-hundred-percent there for their kids. I’d tell you not to marry your ex because it involves too much pain. I’d tell you not to move with your kids because the loss for them is too great and becoming a stranger is too painful. And I’d never encourage someone to become unequally yoked.

In other words, everything I’ve done, feeling moved by God in faith, I’d tell others NOT to do, so I’m not sure I find the good in that.

Other People’s Memories

The problem with marrying someone from your past is that that someone “knows” your past, sometimes better than you do. Anyway, last night was a rough night.

It started out well because Scott and I practiced talking and did so for about two hours. If the word “practice” throws you off, it’s because for the last six months, we’ve, probably, barely talked two hours TOTAL, which makes for a very long six months, especially when you count the days, but we seem to be on the healing side of it.

After our talk, we went to the store to pick up a couple things for the girls. They were at The Prelude, so we wanted to be back before they got home. On the way, our talking continued but didn’t go so well. Continue reading

What I Deserve

before I left for Texas
so many friends in church said
“I’m so happy for you, Laura!
You deserve this.”

really? I deserve this?

does that mean God
is a punishing God?

or does that mean we all
have decisions to make
to learn
to grow
to become

along the way
after twenty-two years
I’ve changed
but Scott hasn’t
at all
and if I’d never married him
if I’d never moved out here
he never would’ve known

it takes courage to change
and it takes courage to stay
just not sure how strong I am