“New Generation”

by Nathan’s age: 15
I had already been having sex and was drinking
by Carolyn’s age: 19
I had already had one abortion, one child, and was married
by Katie’s age: 25
I had been stripping/selling my body…jail…divorce
by Kyle’s age: 28
I had quit dancing but was way strung out in so many ways

at age 32
I found God
at age 33
I found sobriety
at age 37
I found my worth
at age 42
I found true freedom

almost on a daily basis
I’m reminded how I’ve changed the course
my kids are nothing like
who I used to be
and are growing more into
what I’m like now
yet still holding on
to their own uniqueness

I never have to worry
about my kids turning out like who I was
because I walked into that church at 32
it changed their lives
it changed my life
and in the end
it helped change the lives of others
because I stay on this path with God

The Day My Mom Died

For some reason, I’ve been wanting to write about the day my mom passed away (April 25th), so here it goes.

That Wednesday morning, I was called into work early, which was a Godsend.

During my shift, I taught a class, and at the end of the class, I read the poem I’d written a few days before. Afterward, I cried, and fifteen minutes later, my mom ended up dying, yet I didn’t know about it then.

A couple hours later, I received the call from my aunt. All I remember was her saying my mom had died a couple hours earlier. Instantly, I felt my heart drain and began to cry.

As I got off the phone, I wondered if I could handle completing my shift, but as I walked into the office to tell my boss, I KNEW I had to leave. ALL I wanted to do was go home and cry.

Right away, all the girls around me knew what had happened, and as I made my way to the door to leave, everyone lined up to hug me, even the maids, and every hug I received was one I needed so deeply. At times, I felt myself falling deeper into their arms.

One girl walked me out, and as we hugged again, she asked, “Are you okay to drive?” I told her, “Yeah, I’ll stop and get a soda.” We both laughed, but then, as I cried even harder, I leaned against the post and asked God to help me.

A mile down the road, I stopped for that soda and wanted something cherry, but wouldn’t you know it, they didn’t have anything cherry, so I cried a little harder and left.

I sent Carolyn a text, asking if I could pull her out of school. She said yes, so all I had between us was an hour drive. (sigh)

On the way, I was never alone. Of course, God was with me, but also, I stayed on the phone with someone, almost the whole way.

When I picked up Carolyn, immediately, she had me laughing. At times, the laughter turned into tears or the tears turned into laughter. She was so confused: she didn’t know if I was laughing or crying! We headed to Panda Express to order our takeout.

At home, we watched Netflix and ate (and I cried). It was perfect, but later in the night, I told her how I REALLY wanted something cherry, so we went to the store.

As we walked passed the liquor aisle, I said, “We’re so lucky I don’t drink anymore!” I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like if I did.

Anyway, at the end of the night, when exhaustion set in and the tears stopped flowing, we went to sleep.

I’m sure we all walk through grief differently. This was just a look into mine.

“Church-Hopping”

life was never confusing for her
she stumbled threw it quite easily
having never known “right”
she never noticed wrong
until that one day

as she looked at her kids
she wondered what to do
so they wouldn’t turn out like her

frantically
she searched within
to find out what was missing
but it wasn’t what
it was “Who”

God had not been sought

of course that was it!
without Him
life had been full of drugs
alcohol
cussing
and more

but how does one get God for her kids?
thus began the “church-hopping”
she’d hopped enough bars in her lifetime
now to the houses of God

one by one she sat
until finally at rest
but as she tried to ‘get God for her kids’
she ran into Him herself
but it took a while
for her to step INTO His heart

comfort was a place in chaos
love had been a place in bed
honor and respect were never spoken
and peace had been torment

how do you grow out of hell that’s normal
how do you receive a life void of drama
if wrong seems right
then right will seem wrong

eventually
Good prevailed in her heart
and what once was lost
has been recreated in time
never to be misplaced again

Celebrating Recovery

Yesterday, after my swim, I went up to the lifeguards to tell them I’d been sober twelve years. They were so excited for me!! It left me wondering: do others do that?

I’ve never been ashamed of my recovery. Actually, it’s the exact opposite: I’m very proud of being sober, having worked the steps through alcoholics anonymous, having gone even deeper with God in His word…very proud, indeed!

I never had hope of even being able to go ONE DAY without alcohol. Actually, there’s a funny story about that.

When I first started going to church in 2004, they had a women’s retreat, which I was invited to attend, so I did but was deathly afraid of how I’d be able to sleep without drinking, so you know what I did? I took Benadryl with me, so I could knock myself out at night, but to my surprise, I never used it. I was stunned! But it didn’t stop me from drinking as soon as I got back, and it took me another year and a half before I finally listened to God about going to AA.

Man, you wanna talk about a prison! It was a horrible way to live! I would leave bible studies paranoid because I thought they’d follow me to the liquor store and catch me buying booze. I was ALWAYS looking over my shoulder.

If you, by chance, are reading this post and have a problem with anything, please message me or something, so I can pray for you. You DON’T have to be alone EVER AGAIN!

RECOVERY JOKES!!

[Last night, I shared about when I was an alcoholic, was using meth, and was selling my body. Then, I told THIS joke!]

There’s an alcoholic, a meth user, and a prostitute in the car. Who’s driving?
*
*
*
The Police!



A group of drinking buddies went deer hunting. They split up into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter came staggering back to camp alone, half-bombed and dragging an eight-point buck.

The others said, “Where’s Harry?”

“Oh, he passed out, a couple miles back up the trail.”

“What? You left Harry lying out there alone and carried the deer back?”

“A tough call,” admitted the marksman, “but I figured, who’s gonna steal Harry?”



An old-timer comes home from his home group meeting, gets ready for bed, and is on his knees saying his evening prayers.

He’s in the middle of his “God blesses” saying “God bless the guy who says the same thing no matter what the topic, God bless George, God bless the ‘cake lady,’ God bless . . . ” suddenly he pauses and looks up.

Then says, “You know God. I wonder if there is AA in heaven. If there isn’t AA in heaven, I don’t know if I want to go there. These folks are so important to me, I don’t want to spend eternity without them.”

There’s a bolt of lightening and a loud clap of thunder and then the old timer hears a voice saying, “I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, there IS AA in heaven.
The bad news is, “You’re speaking tomorrow night.”



Why aren’t people in recovery good dancers?
*
*
*
They lose interest after twelve steps.



“Alcohol Warnings”

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you’re whispering when you’re not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.



[Okay, this one will (probably) only make sense to those who’ve read the big book. Trust me: it’s HILARIOUS!!]

A girl working with her sponsor asked “Where can I read about my sex problems?”

Sponsor said, “That’s covered on page 69.”

Later at home, the page number got jumbled. As she tried to remember, she turned to page 96 for her sex problems.

“Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you.”



 

“The Last Dance”

[1/9/17]

what is normal
anyway

what is normal
anyway

she sought her own
way away
and in the club
she saw

who she wasn’t
but who she needed
to be

that first shift
came with endless
drinks
a vicious circle
never meant to be

every hello
came with a compliment
every tip
came with a touch

something needed
something wanted
something more

a vicious circle
never meant to be

day after day
shift after shift
drink after drink

who was God
anyway

who was God
anyway

the darkest road
without an end
but just maybe there was
maybe there was

one by one
things removed
dancing stopped
drugs ran out
and step by step
led to recovery

just me with Him
to find me

Other People’s Memories

The problem with marrying someone from your past is that that someone “knows” your past, sometimes better than you do. Anyway, last night was a rough night.

It started out well because Scott and I practiced talking and did so for about two hours. If the word “practice” throws you off, it’s because for the last six months, we’ve, probably, barely talked two hours TOTAL, which makes for a very long six months, especially when you count the days, but we seem to be on the healing side of it.

After our talk, we went to the store to pick up a couple things for the girls. They were at The Prelude, so we wanted to be back before they got home. On the way, our talking continued but didn’t go so well. Continue reading

Next in Line: Cutting in front of people at the grocery store

Last night, I stayed up till midnight to celebrate my sobriety date, and here it is, almost midnight again, and I’m barely writing about it.

Every year, I seem to write about how I never think about drinking, but this year’s been different because of the last few months.

Lately, I don’t really write about how I’m feeling because, one, I’m married, and, two, I haven’t felt very positive, but to give you a little insight, here was my day, yesterday (the 23rd). Continue reading