RECOVERY JOKES!!

[Last night, I shared about when I was an alcoholic, was using meth, and was selling my body. Then, I told THIS joke!]

There’s an alcoholic, a meth user, and a prostitute in the car. Who’s driving?
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The Police!



A group of drinking buddies went deer hunting. They split up into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter came staggering back to camp alone, half-bombed and dragging an eight-point buck.

The others said, “Where’s Harry?”

“Oh, he passed out, a couple miles back up the trail.”

“What? You left Harry lying out there alone and carried the deer back?”

“A tough call,” admitted the marksman, “but I figured, who’s gonna steal Harry?”



An old-timer comes home from his home group meeting, gets ready for bed, and is on his knees saying his evening prayers.

He’s in the middle of his “God blesses” saying “God bless the guy who says the same thing no matter what the topic, God bless George, God bless the ‘cake lady,’ God bless . . . ” suddenly he pauses and looks up.

Then says, “You know God. I wonder if there is AA in heaven. If there isn’t AA in heaven, I don’t know if I want to go there. These folks are so important to me, I don’t want to spend eternity without them.”

There’s a bolt of lightening and a loud clap of thunder and then the old timer hears a voice saying, “I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, there IS AA in heaven.
The bad news is, “You’re speaking tomorrow night.”



Why aren’t people in recovery good dancers?
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They lose interest after twelve steps.



“Alcohol Warnings”

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you’re whispering when you’re not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.



[Okay, this one will (probably) only make sense to those who’ve read the big book. Trust me: it’s HILARIOUS!!]

A girl working with her sponsor asked “Where can I read about my sex problems?”

Sponsor said, “That’s covered on page 69.”

Later at home, the page number got jumbled. As she tried to remember, she turned to page 96 for her sex problems.

“Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you.”



 

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