My Latest Breakdown

Last night, on my drive home from work, I had the worst breakdown yet.

I “could” tell you what led up to it, but that’s not the type of person I am, so I’ll only explain what I went through.

In the car, I was listening to “The Greatest Showman” soundtrack, which I often do because I LOVE it. Anyway, during the second song, I began to cry deeply, not because of the lyrics but because of my mom’s death (I’m assuming).

I was crying so hard, I could barely see, but I couldn’t seem to pull over. The thought came to me, but my foot wouldn’t reach out for the break, and my cruise control was set on seventy two mph, so I did my best to keep the wheel straight and drove.

At one point, I was so scared, I cried out through my wailing, “I DON’T WANNA DIE!” and asked Holy Spirit to help me drive. Obviously, He did because I made it home safely.

All I wanted to do was make it home.

Just like any other job, sometimes, you have your bad days, and yesterday was a bad day at work. From being talked to about something out of my control to being talked at through… It was, almost, unbearable.

Without Jesus, I don’t know how I would’ve handled it all. I really don’t understand how people live without Him. I would never choose to go back to that life.

But my breakdown…it was so intense. During it, I cried out a few things:

“WHY ARE PEOPLE SO MEAN!”
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
“I CAN’T HANDLE THIS”
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
etc.

I’m so glad God was there with me. Had I not known that, I doubt I’d be here writing right now.

In the past, I’ve never really given grief too much thought, and now that I’m dancing with it, I look forward to the times when we sit out a song or two. MAYBE, someday, I’ll understand it, but for now, I’ll just live through it.

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Be Vulnerable!

Do you know a reason why relationships are important? Because we have the opportunity to LEARN from each other’s mistakes, and the good thing about learning from other people’s mistakes is that the consequences don’t affect you.

I can’t even tell you how many girls come into the treatment center with the thought of stripping for a living, and then they hear my story and change their minds. Do you know how powerful that is!

We have the power to change people’s minds from losing their lives to darkness!

Never be afraid to be vulnerable and share where you’ve been because it might save someone’s life around you. Not everybody will live through the pain you’ve endured.

“Where I’m At”

I feel like everything I’m doing now
I was born to do

when I write
something happens inside
like a spiritual birth
every time
and I walk away renewed

when I dance
I feel like I’m moving in heaven
free of thought
free of life
free to be me

when I work with women
I feel like every trauma I’ve been through
is their hope
because I’m on the other side
I’m grateful for all that I’ve been through

as a mother
I’m rewarded every moment
of every day
thoughts of my kids and grand baby
fill my heart

when I work with silk
I really feel like I know what I’m doing
even as I learn
like it was meant for me to do
and meant for me to create

when I speak
I feel like people listen
like really listen
and when they walk away
they’ve held on to what they needed

when I laugh
love overflows
into everyone around me
and when I cry
I think the same thing happens

I feel like I was born to do
everything I’m doing now

RECOVERY JOKES!!

[Last night, I shared about when I was an alcoholic, was using meth, and was selling my body. Then, I told THIS joke!]

There’s an alcoholic, a meth user, and a prostitute in the car. Who’s driving?
*
*
*
The Police!



A group of drinking buddies went deer hunting. They split up into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter came staggering back to camp alone, half-bombed and dragging an eight-point buck.

The others said, “Where’s Harry?”

“Oh, he passed out, a couple miles back up the trail.”

“What? You left Harry lying out there alone and carried the deer back?”

“A tough call,” admitted the marksman, “but I figured, who’s gonna steal Harry?”



An old-timer comes home from his home group meeting, gets ready for bed, and is on his knees saying his evening prayers.

He’s in the middle of his “God blesses” saying “God bless the guy who says the same thing no matter what the topic, God bless George, God bless the ‘cake lady,’ God bless . . . ” suddenly he pauses and looks up.

Then says, “You know God. I wonder if there is AA in heaven. If there isn’t AA in heaven, I don’t know if I want to go there. These folks are so important to me, I don’t want to spend eternity without them.”

There’s a bolt of lightening and a loud clap of thunder and then the old timer hears a voice saying, “I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, there IS AA in heaven.
The bad news is, “You’re speaking tomorrow night.”



Why aren’t people in recovery good dancers?
*
*
*
They lose interest after twelve steps.



“Alcohol Warnings”

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you’re whispering when you’re not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.



[Okay, this one will (probably) only make sense to those who’ve read the big book. Trust me: it’s HILARIOUS!!]

A girl working with her sponsor asked “Where can I read about my sex problems?”

Sponsor said, “That’s covered on page 69.”

Later at home, the page number got jumbled. As she tried to remember, she turned to page 96 for her sex problems.

“Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you.”



 

Salt, Death, and Flight

***

“you won’t find her flag
caught up or down the escalator
she’s gone
dancing in heaven”

That was a poem from my dream, written by Katie about me. It was a horribly, sad dream.

In it, I’d been trying like crazy to organize a trip for me, Katie, and Ariel, and all the packing was up to me.

After rushing like crazy to leave for the airport, Katie refused to go with me.

We were in this huge apartment building with many floors, that had the appearance of a mall. From one floor above, I saw her just sitting at a table, refusing to move. I hollared for her to hurry, but she just sat there and dumped (what looked like) five pounds of salt on the floor.

I was so angry.

As I went down to talk to her, she vanished, and I was left, standing in the salt, reading this poem she wrote. And all of a sudden, I realized the poem was about me and saw that no one could see me. At that moment, I realized I was dead.

***

Right then, the alarm woke me up. So badly, I wanted to fall back asleep and have a do-over for a new dream, a new memory, but I couldn’t, so I got up, crying.

It reminded me of this woman in recovery. She’s seen the pain I’ve gone through with Nathan leaving, and every time I see her, she asks how I’m doing with it.

Then, she asks about Katie, “Has she changed her mind yet about leaving?”

I always reply, “No, she’s still leaving.”

Then, she says, “What’re you going to do?? That’s gonna kill you!”

I often wonder why she says that but haven’t mentioned anything. Evidently, I dreamt about it.

Poetry Open Mic Night

Poetry Night at The Prelude was really good last night, except I forgot to ask someone to record it, but it went well.

I read some poems that explained who I used to be and how Jesus changed my life. I was asked, for next time, if I’d bring my flags and dance a song. Only God knows what that meant to me, especially now.

Very recently (on Wednesday), I questioned in my heart if I should even use them in public anymore (because of someone’s reaction to them). What that person did and said felt like it crushed me, so wouldn’t that just be God’s timing?!

Right after I felt crushed by one, I was lifted by another.

To me, it’s more than a dance. It’s more like a passion!

Next month, when I dance a song, I’ll see if someone will record it. (Sometimes, that’s hard to find.)

“My Dance With Jesus” (click photo)
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“Lead and Follow”

[written 10/14/16]

sometimes
there’s music in my head
I sing with
sometimes
there’s music in my heart
I dance with
sometimes
there’s music in my soul
I sleep with

there’re no limits to what you can do
only limits to what you “think” you can do

Not ALL Bad

Since it’s been “difficult” here, I’m going to point out things I like.
I love hearing the birds talk…sometimes fifty at a time.
I love watching the trees blow through the window.
I love my yellow room.
I love sitting at our dining room table, eating dinner, playing games.
I love, when I’m first to wake up, sitting in the living room in silence.
I love sitting in that same silence in my bedroom.
I love dancing at church.
I love the breeze at the ocean; it sort of blows the humidity away.
And in the moments it happens, I love watching the kids have fun.
I love my talks with Katie.
I love the times when Scott and I laugh.
I love watching the kids grow.
I love cooking with my girls.
I love creating.

Anyway, those are some of the things I love. I’m sure I’m missing some, and I’m sure some are an exaggeration, but it’s good to focus on the beauty that’s all around me.