The Day My Mom Died

For some reason, I’ve been wanting to write about the day my mom passed away (April 25th), so here it goes.

That Wednesday morning, I was called into work early, which was a Godsend.

During my shift, I taught a class, and at the end of the class, I read the poem I’d written a few days before. Afterward, I cried, and fifteen minutes later, my mom ended up dying, yet I didn’t know about it then.

A couple hours later, I received the call from my aunt. All I remember was her saying my mom had died a couple hours earlier. Instantly, I felt my heart drain and began to cry.

As I got off the phone, I wondered if I could handle completing my shift, but as I walked into the office to tell my boss, I KNEW I had to leave. ALL I wanted to do was go home and cry.

Right away, all the girls around me knew what had happened, and as I made my way to the door to leave, everyone lined up to hug me, even the maids, and every hug I received was one I needed so deeply. At times, I felt myself falling deeper into their arms.

One girl walked me out, and as we hugged again, she asked, “Are you okay to drive?” I told her, “Yeah, I’ll stop and get a soda.” We both laughed, but then, as I cried even harder, I leaned against the post and asked God to help me.

A mile down the road, I stopped for that soda and wanted something cherry, but wouldn’t you know it, they didn’t have anything cherry, so I cried a little harder and left.

I sent Carolyn a text, asking if I could pull her out of school. She said yes, so all I had between us was an hour drive. (sigh)

On the way, I was never alone. Of course, God was with me, but also, I stayed on the phone with someone, almost the whole way.

When I picked up Carolyn, immediately, she had me laughing. At times, the laughter turned into tears or the tears turned into laughter. She was so confused: she didn’t know if I was laughing or crying! We headed to Panda Express to order our takeout.

At home, we watched Netflix and ate (and I cried). It was perfect, but later in the night, I told her how I REALLY wanted something cherry, so we went to the store.

As we walked passed the liquor aisle, I said, “We’re so lucky I don’t drink anymore!” I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like if I did.

Anyway, at the end of the night, when exhaustion set in and the tears stopped flowing, we went to sleep.

I’m sure we all walk through grief differently. This was just a look into mine.

Advertisements

I’m Back…

Just so you know, this post’ll have a lot of emotion, so if you don’t want to “feel,” scroll on.

I’m tired: I’m tired of hiding my website; I’m tired of hiding from certain people on Facebook; I’m tired of a lot of things, but as I sit here in tears, unable to stop, I’ll write because that’s how I get through things best. Continue reading

“Kneeling Inside”

wondering
where your life’s going
thinking
where life’s been

sometimes…overwhelming

but if I take each moment as
now
it’s much easier to breathe

now…
my coffee
my laptop
my heart

now…
recovery
exercise
my girls

now…
distance
football
my boys

now…
an ending
a beginning
a moment in time

time…
a life worth living
a living worth experiencing
an experience worth loving

each moment
spent with God
each breath
shared with Jesus
each thought
known by Him

living where I am
is my now

“Conscience”

there’re some times
when I just feel damaged
I know it’s not true
that’s why I call it a feeling
but man
does it catch me offguard
and cause so many tears

who was I?
who am I?
is who I am caused by who I was?
is who I was covered by who I am?

listen to when I say
these are just moments
but as I was praying through this one
I felt called to write

since God hasn’t blessed me with NO memory
I’m stuck to deal with what comes my way
and this morning
as it was coming my way
I asked someone from my past
what was I like?
because honestly
I don’t remember much good

what comfort it brought me
to hear some good
but at the same time
I still felt damaged
but that’s when I trust
His word to wash my mind
as my tears wash my face

“Never from Nowhere”

there’s always a reason behind my writing
it’s my heart’s reaction to what’s happened
or what’s happening
sometimes I’ll lie and say it’s someone else
but in reality
it’s just me
and most likely
the lie is to protect someone else
and in protecting someone else
I may be left hurt
but that’s where I grow
and not let things control me
not let circumstances dictate my health
not let someone else’s issues stifle my laugh
but there’s always a reason behind my writing
and there’s always a smile
waiting to shine