nightmares

Meditating Day And Night

| Laura Lee Bonde

Some read by candlelight; I read by Christmas light.

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Yesyerday, I listened to Curry Blake teach about meditation and practiced it in my life last night. It something I used to do but pulled away from, since being in Texas, and that’s reading my bible at night.

Over the past couple months, I’ve been reading Narnia books at bedtime…almost trying to escape. Well, this teaching talked about being in the word morning AND night, so I started back up last night.

And wouldn’t you know it: I didn’t have a bad dream! (I’ve had quite a few bad dreams.)

There were other pointers, too, like thanking God for one minute seven times a day and being mindful of who you listen to because words are recorded in your brain.

This morning, I’ve been reading by Christmas light and feel stronger already. He’s building me up for something…maybe Katie leaving…maybe my husband not changing, but regardless, I’m stronger!

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Salt, Death, and Flight

| Laura Lee Bonde

***

“you won’t find her flag
caught up or down the escalator
she’s gone
dancing in heaven”

That was a poem from my dream, written by Katie about me. It was a horribly, sad dream.

In it, I’d been trying like crazy to organize a trip for me, Katie, and Ariel, and all the packing was up to me.

After rushing like crazy to leave for the airport, Katie refused to go with me.

We were in this huge apartment building with many floors, that had the appearance of a mall. From one floor above, I saw her just sitting at a table, refusing to move. I hollared for her to hurry, but she just sat there and dumped (what looked like) five pounds of salt on the floor.

I was so angry.

As I went down to talk to her, she vanished, and I was left, standing in the salt, reading this poem she wrote. And all of a sudden, I realized the poem was about me and saw that no one could see me. At that moment, I realized I was dead.

***

Right then, the alarm woke me up. So badly, I wanted to fall back asleep and have a do-over for a new dream, a new memory, but I couldn’t, so I got up, crying.

It reminded me of this woman in recovery. She’s seen the pain I’ve gone through with Nathan leaving, and every time I see her, she asks how I’m doing with it.

Then, she asks about Katie, “Has she changed her mind yet about leaving?”

I always reply, “No, she’s still leaving.”

Then, she says, “What’re you going to do?? That’s gonna kill you!”

I often wonder why she says that but haven’t mentioned anything. Evidently, I dreamt about it.

“False Hope”

| Laura Lee Bonde

I hate it when
dreams seem real
and they’re good
then I wake to reality
and they’re gone

I can’t explain the tears
and won’t stop them

when will that dream come true?
never

a different version will be real
someday
but for now
that dream was a nightmare