you used to know her
where is she?
I’ve looked and can’t find her
blurred vision
gasping for air
searching in the midst
the air is thick
the path is dark
have you seen her?
did she go this way?
it’s like she’s invisible
except in the mirror
staring back at me
what you go through
in those moments of despair
is a hopeless state of mind
drowning in fears
treading water
just to breathe
as you see the straws
float by
not realizing
that every tear
has a story
and every story
causes the water
to rise
but maybe in sinking
you’ll swim
if Jesus came back
would I be ready?
the answer’s “no”
I’m not living
the emotional freedom
that’s His reward
for dying on the cross
THAT’s where I’m determined to get
once again
whether I’m married
in Texas
apart from my children
etc
my path leads to THERE
no one can make me walk
no one can say ‘the right thing’
I have to believe
and live
and get there once again
then
and only then
will I be home
wherever I’m at
have you ever
looked up
the meaning?
drowning
grabbing anything
that floats
even straws
when feelings
have sex
with opinions
they conceive
advice
and birth
doubt
as I write
I feel
and as I feel
I write
not believing
what I feel
and not feeling
what I believe
even now
crying
not knowing where I am
not knowing where I’m going
I know there’s more
a deeper freedom residing
where I can be “me”
no matter who I’m around
that was the thing
to bring people joy
to change the atmosphere
and dream
but when every dream
becomes a nightmare
and every sleep
brings a disturbing dream
the problem lies in waking
not in sleeping
but there’s this Truth I know
woven into my heart
of being One with Him
and having hope
misery CAN’T be His plan
so I’ll fight where I stand
by letting Him lead
His way to goodness
a beautiful picture
woven by laughter
and joy
and love
but as each thread
runs out
it fades to black
and white
influences
can be good or bad
angelic or demonic
can weigh the scale
of decisions
but at times
you won’t know
which influenced you
until after
the choice’s been made
which may be too late
the point past no return
still has a panoramic view
it’s funny
what I’d vowed to God
I’ve let slip away
how I’d wanted to be treated
what I’d wanted for my kids
where I’d wanted us to live
I thought I’d listened
through God’s heart
but as I live through my choices
I stop and wonder
if what I valued is not there
was my trust in another
if this IS God’s heart
will it get better?
mental instability
emotional insecurity
spiritul immaturity
are tough to ignore
but as one who is love
I HAVE to believe
there is hope
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