writing

“The Color Of My Skin”

| Laura Lee Bonde

I’m white, so I don’t know what you’re going through
but I know I care
anything I say won’t matter
so I’m not sure what I can do

if I could live my life as a black woman
to show you that I care, I would
but it doesn’t work that way

I’m not sorry I’m white
but I’m sorry some people are racist
I’m sorry people use power against others
I’m sorry death is a result
I’m sorry for your pain

nobody asked to be born a certain way
we’re just thrown into this game called life
it seems to me that peace would be a win
but how do we get there?

if you look through history
riots brought on change
change that was needed
for some, it’s the only way to be heard
for others, we may never know

every moment of life is a part of history
just some moments leave a lasting effect
I wonder what kind of changes
these moments will make

Shadows

| Laura Lee Bonde

This morning, I couldn’t wait to dance with God at church!

While dancing, there was no fear about tomorrow’s appointment. There were very few thoughts of cancer whatsoever. Apart from that time, it’s been pretty constant.

It’s not constant in a way that I’m dreading it or anything. The thoughts are constant in the way they sporadically come on a regular basis.

Being scared has been sort of normal. And it doesn’t mean I’m not trusting God.

I have a lot to learn about my diet, this growth, the surgery plans, my energy, and unfortunately, I don’t believe it’ll all be answered tomorrow, so I’ll focus on what God answered today.

Today, as I was dancing, I saw the shadow of my flag on the floor. As I danced with the flag, the shadow moved. It felt like God was telling me that this cancer was but a shadow.

If I choose to give up, I’m sure the shadow would grow, but if I choose to fight, the shadow will move.

I’m a warrior, a queen.
I will not stop living, but I also will not stop writing how I feel.

Fighting To Win

| Laura Lee Bonde

If you think I’m sulking and falling apart, you’re wrong. But I’m definitely still “feeling” and probably will throughout this whole journey.

Yesterday, I reminded myself that this is a wonderful opportunity for growth. And just like with growth, there’ll be pain along the way.

And yes, I’ve still found excitement through this.

I’m excited to learn, so I’ll be better equipped to be there for those women God puts in my life, so I can help them through it. And for that, I am excited!

I know about rape and sexual assault and how no matter how hard you scrub in the shower, it will never come off. That’s what cancer feels like, so when a woman says it feels like rape, I’ll understand.

Understanding one another is key to being able to help one another. I don’t know why that makes a difference, but it does.

I know that yearning feeling of wishing I was in love, so that someone could hold me with intent.

I’m learning what not to say and how to be there for someone.

I’ve ordered my new sheets and will be getting a mattress pad to make my bed more comfy, just in case I need to spend a lot of time in it.

I’ll be able to help prepare someone to make their journey just a little bit easier.

This IS an opportunity for growth, and I’m ceasing it!!

Yes, I’ll be writing as I go through things, but never miss that important part…”as I GO THROUGH things.”

I never stop walking. I just like to talk while I walk. #cancersucks

“Trails”

| Laura Lee Bonde

Being drained and exhausted
Yet wide awake from writing a paper
Leaves one to wonder the strangest things

Like what’s it all for
Anyway
I mean, you work so hard
For what may not happen

Then my thoughts trail off
To the past

Like why would you want
To sleep with me
Yet not get to know me
Not spend time with me

They really missed out

Then my thoughts trail off
To tomorrow

Like how I’ll dress to impress
Those higher than me from out of town
Make my hair look nice
And fix my makeup

But they don’t wanna know me either

Then my thoughts trail off
To this moment

Where the Presence of God
Fills my lungs
And every part of Him
Knows and Loves every part of me

To be known by Him
Is to be unknown to the world
And that’s the best place to be

“New Generation”

| Laura Lee Bonde

by Nathan’s age: 15
I had already been having sex and was drinking
by Carolyn’s age: 19
I had already had one abortion, one child, and was married
by Katie’s age: 25
I had been stripping/selling my body…jail…divorce
by Kyle’s age: 28
I had quit dancing but was way strung out in so many ways

at age 32
I found God
at age 33
I found sobriety
at age 37
I found my worth
at age 42
I found true freedom

almost on a daily basis
I’m reminded how I’ve changed the course
my kids are nothing like
who I used to be
and are growing more into
what I’m like now
yet still holding on
to their own uniqueness

I never have to worry
about my kids turning out like who I was
because I walked into that church at 32
it changed their lives
it changed my life
and in the end
it helped change the lives of others
because I stay on this path with God

“Where I’m At”

| Laura Lee Bonde

I feel like everything I’m doing now
I was born to do

when I write
something happens inside
like a spiritual birth
every time
and I walk away renewed

when I dance
I feel like I’m moving in heaven
free of thought
free of life
free to be me

when I work with women
I feel like every trauma I’ve been through
is their hope
because I’m on the other side
I’m grateful for all that I’ve been through

as a mother
I’m rewarded every moment
of every day
thoughts of my kids and grand baby
fill my heart

when I work with silk
I really feel like I know what I’m doing
even as I learn
like it was meant for me to do
and meant for me to create

when I speak
I feel like people listen
like really listen
and when they walk away
they’ve held on to what they needed

when I laugh
love overflows
into everyone around me
and when I cry
I think the same thing happens

I feel like I was born to do
everything I’m doing now

“Ashes”

| Laura Lee Bonde

when I think about death
one word comes to me…
“paralyzing”

paralyzing to the one who passed
because life on this earth
ceased

paralyzing to the one left behind
where life seems to only happen
in the mind

why is my mom’s death
paralyzing my life?

most mornings
I find it hard to “move”
I can “think” about doing things all morning
but the action seems
invisible

when people say “how are you?”
my first thought is “my mom died”
I don’t SAY it
but it’s there
not haunting me
but reminding me

I just feel
p.a.r.a.l.y.z.e.d.

when it’s time for work
I get in robot mode and show up
when it’s time for flags
I lay there and stare

why is that?
am I morning?
am I tired?
is this grieving?

that’s why I’m writing
I’m hoping to clear the way
for motivation to enter in
for flags to get done
for accomplishments to happen

maybe it’s good
my mom and I weren’t that close
I can’t imagine how that’d be if we were
but that’s the paralyzing part

when my mom died
the hope of ever becoming closer
died with her

Grieving

| Laura Lee Bonde

Before you start reading, I want to let you know: this will be a sad one because, today, I’m writing for my personal healing and have already been crying, so you know…

The other night, I got to go to The Prelude again. It’d been a while, and I thought I hadn’t gone because my life had changed, and I’d been pretty busy working, leaving my husband, and starting a new life with my daughter, but as it turns out, something more had been keeping me from there, or should I say, some”one”… Continue reading →

“Church-Hopping”

| Laura Lee Bonde

life was never confusing for her
she stumbled threw it quite easily
having never known “right”
she never noticed wrong
until that one day

as she looked at her kids
she wondered what to do
so they wouldn’t turn out like her

frantically
she searched within
to find out what was missing
but it wasn’t what
it was “Who”

God had not been sought

of course that was it!
without Him
life had been full of drugs
alcohol
cussing
and more

but how does one get God for her kids?
thus began the “church-hopping”
she’d hopped enough bars in her lifetime
now to the houses of God

one by one she sat
until finally at rest
but as she tried to ‘get God for her kids’
she ran into Him herself
but it took a while
for her to step INTO His heart

comfort was a place in chaos
love had been a place in bed
honor and respect were never spoken
and peace had been torment

how do you grow out of hell that’s normal
how do you receive a life void of drama
if wrong seems right
then right will seem wrong

eventually
Good prevailed in her heart
and what once was lost
has been recreated in time
never to be misplaced again