“Where I’m At”

I feel like everything I’m doing now
I was born to do

when I write
something happens inside
like a spiritual birth
every time
and I walk away renewed

when I dance
I feel like I’m moving in heaven
free of thought
free of life
free to be me

when I work with women
I feel like every trauma I’ve been through
is their hope
because I’m on the other side
I’m grateful for all that I’ve been through

as a mother
I’m rewarded every moment
of every day
thoughts of my kids and grand baby
fill my heart

when I work with silk
I really feel like I know what I’m doing
even as I learn
like it was meant for me to do
and meant for me to create

when I speak
I feel like people listen
like really listen
and when they walk away
they’ve held on to what they needed

when I laugh
love overflows
into everyone around me
and when I cry
I think the same thing happens

I feel like I was born to do
everything I’m doing now

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“Ashes”

when I think about death
one word comes to me…
“paralyzing”

paralyzing to the one who passed
because life on this earth
ceased

paralyzing to the one left behind
where life seems to only happen
in the mind

why is my mom’s death
paralyzing my life?

most mornings
I find it hard to “move”
I can “think” about doing things all morning
but the action seems
invisible

when people say “how are you?”
my first thought is “my mom died”
I don’t SAY it
but it’s there
not haunting me
but reminding me

I just feel
p.a.r.a.l.y.z.e.d.

when it’s time for work
I get in robot mode and show up
when it’s time for flags
I lay there and stare

why is that?
am I morning?
am I tired?
is this grieving?

that’s why I’m writing
I’m hoping to clear the way
for motivation to enter in
for flags to get done
for accomplishments to happen

maybe it’s good
my mom and I weren’t that close
I can’t imagine how that’d be if we were
but that’s the paralyzing part

when my mom died
the hope of ever becoming closer
died with her

Grieving

Before you start reading, I want to let you know: this will be a sad one because, today, I’m writing for my personal healing and have already been crying, so you know…

The other night, I got to go to The Prelude again. It’d been a while, and I thought I hadn’t gone because my life had changed, and I’d been pretty busy working, leaving my husband, and starting a new life with my daughter, but as it turns out, something more had been keeping me from there, or should I say, some”one”… Continue reading

“Church-Hopping”

life was never confusing for her
she stumbled threw it quite easily
having never known “right”
she never noticed wrong
until that one day

as she looked at her kids
she wondered what to do
so they wouldn’t turn out like her

frantically
she searched within
to find out what was missing
but it wasn’t what
it was “Who”

God had not been sought

of course that was it!
without Him
life had been full of drugs
alcohol
cussing
and more

but how does one get God for her kids?
thus began the “church-hopping”
she’d hopped enough bars in her lifetime
now to the houses of God

one by one she sat
until finally at rest
but as she tried to ‘get God for her kids’
she ran into Him herself
but it took a while
for her to step INTO His heart

comfort was a place in chaos
love had been a place in bed
honor and respect were never spoken
and peace had been torment

how do you grow out of hell that’s normal
how do you receive a life void of drama
if wrong seems right
then right will seem wrong

eventually
Good prevailed in her heart
and what once was lost
has been recreated in time
never to be misplaced again

Sobriety

Yesterday, I was surprised that I never got around to writing about my sobriety, but then again, I wasn’t that surprised at all.

You see, there’s been a fear in me about writing: who can know; things aren’t perfect; how can I be honest without drowning others; how can I be transparent without exposing…the list of fears goes on and on, and that list has kept me from writing, but that’s letting fear control me, which isn’t who I am at all.

The moment I stepped into God, Continue reading

“Kneeling Inside”

wondering
where your life’s going
thinking
where life’s been

sometimes…overwhelming

but if I take each moment as
now
it’s much easier to breathe

now…
my coffee
my laptop
my heart

now…
recovery
exercise
my girls

now…
distance
football
my boys

now…
an ending
a beginning
a moment in time

time…
a life worth living
a living worth experiencing
an experience worth loving

each moment
spent with God
each breath
shared with Jesus
each thought
known by Him

living where I am
is my now

“The Picnic Table”

last night
I had a dream
one on One
with God

He talked to me
about writing
and what it does
for people

He told me the benefits
of writing for others
and the difference
of only writing to Him

He finally asked me
“what’re you gonna DO about it?”
I woke up
wanting to write

I will never
forget this dream
especially since
I’m writing it down

He sees
what not writing does to me
and I see
how much He cares

Be Your Own Coach!

For the past few weeks, I’ve been running, and at first, I’d carry my phone to time it on this coaching app, but then I thought about it, “If “time” doesn’t matter, why am I carrying my phone to keep track of it?””, which led me into deeper thought.

With the app, it would tell me things like “speed up” or “slow down” or “watch your breathing,” and I realized it was encouraging me, which is why it’s probably called a coaching app, but in reality, “I” want to be my OWN coach, so that anytime, anywhere, with or without technology, I’ll have my coach with me, and so it began.

Well, today was the first day I DIDN’T carry my phone, and man, what a difference it made!

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First of all, my hands were FREE, so I didn’t have to focus on NOT dropping my phone. It may not sound like much, but I could tell a big difference.

Then, as I was running, at different times, I’d pick up the pace considerably, pushing my body to do more than it expected, and guess what? IT COULD DO IT! But the most impressive part of coaching was what I controlled my mind to do.

During my run, I didn’t have ONE negative thought. I never thought about being tired or being out of breath or circumstances in life, etc. Do you know WHY I didn’t have any negative thoughts? Because I didn’t ALLOW myself to. We’re to CONTROL our thoughts, and while I exercise my body, I train my mind what to think. I may “sound” crazy, but I’m FREE, and that’s all that matters!

Of course, I did look at the time when I left and when I got back, and even though I wasn’t technically “faster,” I felt stronger and more empowered and can’t WAIT to apply in my life all that I’m learning when I run because everything I learn in the physical trains me to be stronger in the spiritual (if I listen).