Author: Laura Lee Bonde

From my oldest son…

| Laura Lee Bonde

Mom,

You are happy. Correction you are happiness. You create happiness for so many people around you. The influence you have is spread wide, and your love fills the hearts of so many people. Cancer will not define you; beating cancer will impact you. You will be stronger. You will be brighter. You will be able to impact more people than we ever thought. And yet; you will be Laura, you will be Mom, you will be you still. Negative emotions are apart of this just as they are in life but don’t let that make you think less of yourself. You deserve to feel all the emotions that come with it. There’s no need to fight it. We all know you will be stronger(again not sure how that’s even possible) so just go ahead and laugh. We all need your laugh.

I love you.

“Contentment”

| Laura Lee Bonde

you know what I’ve realized?
I’m normal for “me”
no one can walk through this
like I am
and I can’t walk through it
like anyone else

we’re all different
all
unique

I’m grateful for my ups and downs
because I’m learning to work through them
the challenge I have
is to “feel” without judging myself

easier said than done

my poor counselor
I feel like he keeps having to repeat himself
but it seems like in between seeing him
I forget
but today
he said I’m doing much better!

my walk is mine
my look is mine
my nature is mine
and I’m pretty happy with it

Radiation isn’t that scary after all

| Laura Lee Bonde

So, leading up to today was pretty scary but walking though it was very hopeful.

Believe it or not, the oncologist (Dr. Sarhill) had good news for me. First off, he was very straightforward and to the point. Before I could ask any questions, he had answered a lot.

By his observation, he believes I’m at Stage 1 (maybe Stage 2). We won’t know until they test the tumor.

After the lumpectomy and testing, I have two choices.

1. Have a mastectomy and be done with it,
or
2. Have radiation 5 days a week for 6 weeks, which would start mid April.

So far, I’m going for option 2. The radiation isn’t like it used to be, so I’ll be able to work through treatments.

I cannot tell you the silent worry I had going into this appointment. All of that worry was washed away by the knowledge that came out of his mouth. I just needed to hear it.

I’m finally excited to get this journey on to the next step!

“Buried Alive”

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 7, 2020

Where is she? Have you seen her?
I know she’s there

I see her face all over Facebook
Laughing
Smiling
Brightening the day
But I can’t find her

Have you seen her?

I don’t think she’s lost
Just buried
Buried beneath the pain and worry
Buried beneath the fear of not knowing
Buried beneath the sadness
Smothered beneath the breakdowns

Maybe she needs to break down
Before building back up
Maybe every tear that falls
Unearths another part of her

I’m hoping this hasn’t changed her
I’m hoping she’ll bounce right back
Because I miss her
She’s the me in me
That’s missing

Cancer Sucks

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 6, 2020

If only I had a pen and paper last night and the energy to write…I had another intense breakdown, that wouldn’t stop, so I decided to fall asleep crying but didn’t make it that far.

As I was driving back from dropping off Carolyn and almost to the house, Heidi Baker’s voice came on in a worship song. Immediately, I thought, “She so lives for God. I bet she’s never had cancer.” That thought triggered the domino effect of some thoughts.

I began to pray and said, “I will never be Heidi Baker. I will never be so-n-so. I will never be so-n-so. I will only be just me.” All of a sudden, I began to cry.

Why did I see myself as ‘just me’
I’m more than ‘just’ and always have been
We’re ALL more than ‘just’
But in that moment
Hearing me see me in that way
Caused a meltdown

When I got to the house, I stayed in the car to work through it, so I wouldn’t freak out Nathan (because this was a bad one). I thought about the bottles of tears God was collecting. When I pulled myself together, I went inside.

As soon as I walked in, Nathan greeted me. That’s all it took. I started crying again. I was weeping so hard. Then, the truth came out of my heart.

“I DON’T WANT TO HAVE CANCER!” And I wept.

Hunched over. Crying out loud, as if someone had just passed. And I just let the tears fall.

Again, when I pulled myself together (or rather, when God’s strength rose up inside me), I went to my room to write about it. I was exhausted. But then, Kyle called.

It was my daily ‘I love you’ call, and I looked forward to hearing his voice. He told me he saw The Invisible Man, and I said, “Well that wasn’t much to see.” [Even in my breakdowns, I’m funny.] It made Kyle laugh, and hearing his laugh caused the breakdown to start again.

I just wept, and he just listened. I told him I didn’t know why I was crying. He said, “You’re going through some scary stuff.” I wept and couldn’t stop, so I decided to fall asleep crying and told him goodnight.

As I sat in bed, I saw my Bible and remembered how comforting the Psalms were when going through difficult times, so I read one. Before I was done reading, I was done crying. Thank God, His Spirit reminded me of His peace.

During the first breakdown, I thought I remembered being taught at one point that ‘if you trust doctors, you’re not trusting God.’ I don’t believe that’s true.

I trust that God is working through these doctors and is behind the creation of their procedures. To be honest, I don’t know how to not lean on doctors right now, and to my little heart last night, that seemed devastating.

I’m so glad God reminded me of the Psalms, that it’s normal to breakdown, and trusting Him looks different for everyone.

I haven’t done the research yet, but some people have told me that the fast scheduling of everything that’s been done on my and will be done is almost unheard of. I’m pretty sure that’s because God has me right where I’m supposed to be. Now, if I could only remember that in those intense breakdowns, I’d be fine. #cancersucks

“Glue”

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 5, 2020

Holding it together on the outside
While falling apart the inside
Wearing a smile that you hope is believable

Some call it faking.
Some call it working.
Some will never notice.

If you’re really living life
There’s no time to sulk and isolate
But that’s when it gets tough

The world expects you to be okay
God’s wants you to be raw
Otherwise, He’d have empty bottles

Being Alone

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 4, 2020

I’m not sure what it was, but today was just “heavy.”

Maybe it was anxiety.
Maybe it was anticipation.
Maybe it was fear.
Maybe it was terror.

My preop is on Friday. Carolyn was going to be here, so I was going to take her with me, but then I learned she had to work. All of a sudden, I had to go alone.

As I was venting to Scott, I broke down, and the truth came out. I was terrified to go alone on Friday. I get tired of going to things alone. I just bawled on the phone (while I was driving😬).

All of a sudden, he said, “What time is your appointment? I’ll get half the day off. I’ll go with you.” Immediately, I was relieved.

While talking to him, I finally opened up about something else.

The other day, I had a sharp pain in my toe and thought, “What if the cancer’s down there!” The thought just came instantaneously.

Then, yesterday, I noticed my belly protruding and thought, “What if the cancer’s in there!”

And lately, I’ve been having to clear my throat a lot, and of course, I thought, “What if cancer’s in my throat!”

These are just thoughts, and I dismiss them as quick as I think of it, but it’s hard to catch them before they come because they come in response to pain or discomfort.

I don’t know. Today was rough, and I’m glad I’m going to bed. Tomorrow will be a day of straight homework. Let’s hope I get my mind started in a better place.

“How To Shrink Cancer”

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 2, 2020

when I woke up this morning
I realized how much bigger
God was than cancer
and it gave me such peace

that peace beyond understanding

I don’t have all the answers
to all my questions
but that doesn’t matter
the only thing that matters is

who God is and what He’s done

He never changes
He never turns away
He never lets go
He’s God

and I know He’s here
every step of the way

even the horrible ones

this past week and a half
my mind’s been consumed
with thoughts of cancer
so much so that it drained me

today, I barely thought about cancer
oh trust me
I had discouragement in my day
but none of it was from cancer
and that’s huge to me

today, God grew in my eyes
and cancer shrank

there’s no guarantee that I will win this fight
and there is no guarentee that I won’t
but as I let God go before me
I know I’m in good hands

to live is gain
and to die is gain
only some will understand