March 6, 2020
If only I had a pen and paper last night and the energy to write…I had another intense breakdown, that wouldn’t stop, so I decided to fall asleep crying but didn’t make it that far.
As I was driving back from dropping off Carolyn and almost to the house, Heidi Baker’s voice came on in a worship song. Immediately, I thought, “She so lives for God. I bet she’s never had cancer.” That thought triggered the domino effect of some thoughts.
I began to pray and said, “I will never be Heidi Baker. I will never be so-n-so. I will never be so-n-so. I will only be just me.” All of a sudden, I began to cry.
Why did I see myself as ‘just me’
I’m more than ‘just’ and always have been
We’re ALL more than ‘just’
But in that moment
Hearing me see me in that way
Caused a meltdown
When I got to the house, I stayed in the car to work through it, so I wouldn’t freak out Nathan (because this was a bad one). I thought about the bottles of tears God was collecting. When I pulled myself together, I went inside.
As soon as I walked in, Nathan greeted me. That’s all it took. I started crying again. I was weeping so hard. Then, the truth came out of my heart.
“I DON’T WANT TO HAVE CANCER!” And I wept.
Hunched over. Crying out loud, as if someone had just passed. And I just let the tears fall.
Again, when I pulled myself together (or rather, when God’s strength rose up inside me), I went to my room to write about it. I was exhausted. But then, Kyle called.
It was my daily ‘I love you’ call, and I looked forward to hearing his voice. He told me he saw The Invisible Man, and I said, “Well that wasn’t much to see.” [Even in my breakdowns, I’m funny.] It made Kyle laugh, and hearing his laugh caused the breakdown to start again.
I just wept, and he just listened. I told him I didn’t know why I was crying. He said, “You’re going through some scary stuff.” I wept and couldn’t stop, so I decided to fall asleep crying and told him goodnight.
As I sat in bed, I saw my Bible and remembered how comforting the Psalms were when going through difficult times, so I read one. Before I was done reading, I was done crying. Thank God, His Spirit reminded me of His peace.
During the first breakdown, I thought I remembered being taught at one point that ‘if you trust doctors, you’re not trusting God.’ I don’t believe that’s true.
I trust that God is working through these doctors and is behind the creation of their procedures. To be honest, I don’t know how to not lean on doctors right now, and to my little heart last night, that seemed devastating.
I’m so glad God reminded me of the Psalms, that it’s normal to breakdown, and trusting Him looks different for everyone.
I haven’t done the research yet, but some people have told me that the fast scheduling of everything that’s been done on my and will be done is almost unheard of. I’m pretty sure that’s because God has me right where I’m supposed to be. Now, if I could only remember that in those intense breakdowns, I’d be fine. #cancersucks