Cancer Sucks

March 6, 2020

If only I had a pen and paper last night and the energy to write…I had another intense breakdown, that wouldn’t stop, so I decided to fall asleep crying but didn’t make it that far.

As I was driving back from dropping off Carolyn and almost to the house, Heidi Baker’s voice came on in a worship song. Immediately, I thought, “She so lives for God. I bet she’s never had cancer.” That thought triggered the domino effect of some thoughts.

I began to pray and said, “I will never be Heidi Baker. I will never be so-n-so. I will never be so-n-so. I will only be just me.” All of a sudden, I began to cry.

Why did I see myself as ‘just me’
I’m more than ‘just’ and always have been
We’re ALL more than ‘just’
But in that moment
Hearing me see me in that way
Caused a meltdown

When I got to the house, I stayed in the car to work through it, so I wouldn’t freak out Nathan (because this was a bad one). I thought about the bottles of tears God was collecting. When I pulled myself together, I went inside.

As soon as I walked in, Nathan greeted me. That’s all it took. I started crying again. I was weeping so hard. Then, the truth came out of my heart.

“I DON’T WANT TO HAVE CANCER!” And I wept.

Hunched over. Crying out loud, as if someone had just passed. And I just let the tears fall.

Again, when I pulled myself together (or rather, when God’s strength rose up inside me), I went to my room to write about it. I was exhausted. But then, Kyle called.

It was my daily ‘I love you’ call, and I looked forward to hearing his voice. He told me he saw The Invisible Man, and I said, “Well that wasn’t much to see.” [Even in my breakdowns, I’m funny.] It made Kyle laugh, and hearing his laugh caused the breakdown to start again.

I just wept, and he just listened. I told him I didn’t know why I was crying. He said, “You’re going through some scary stuff.” I wept and couldn’t stop, so I decided to fall asleep crying and told him goodnight.

As I sat in bed, I saw my Bible and remembered how comforting the Psalms were when going through difficult times, so I read one. Before I was done reading, I was done crying. Thank God, His Spirit reminded me of His peace.

During the first breakdown, I thought I remembered being taught at one point that ‘if you trust doctors, you’re not trusting God.’ I don’t believe that’s true.

I trust that God is working through these doctors and is behind the creation of their procedures. To be honest, I don’t know how to not lean on doctors right now, and to my little heart last night, that seemed devastating.

I’m so glad God reminded me of the Psalms, that it’s normal to breakdown, and trusting Him looks different for everyone.

I haven’t done the research yet, but some people have told me that the fast scheduling of everything that’s been done on my and will be done is almost unheard of. I’m pretty sure that’s because God has me right where I’m supposed to be. Now, if I could only remember that in those intense breakdowns, I’d be fine. #cancersucks

My Latest Breakdown

Last night, on my drive home from work, I had the worst breakdown yet.

I “could” tell you what led up to it, but that’s not the type of person I am, so I’ll only explain what I went through.

In the car, I was listening to “The Greatest Showman” soundtrack, which I often do because I LOVE it. Anyway, during the second song, I began to cry deeply, not because of the lyrics but because of my mom’s death (I’m assuming).

I was crying so hard, I could barely see, but I couldn’t seem to pull over. The thought came to me, but my foot wouldn’t reach out for the break, and my cruise control was set on seventy two mph, so I did my best to keep the wheel straight and drove.

At one point, I was so scared, I cried out through my wailing, “I DON’T WANNA DIE!” and asked Holy Spirit to help me drive. Obviously, He did because I made it home safely.

All I wanted to do was make it home.

Just like any other job, sometimes, you have your bad days, and yesterday was a bad day at work. From being talked to about something out of my control to being talked at through… It was, almost, unbearable.

Without Jesus, I don’t know how I would’ve handled it all. I really don’t understand how people live without Him. I would never choose to go back to that life.

But my breakdown…it was so intense. During it, I cried out a few things:

“WHY ARE PEOPLE SO MEAN!”
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
“I CAN’T HANDLE THIS”
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
etc.

I’m so glad God was there with me. Had I not known that, I doubt I’d be here writing right now.

In the past, I’ve never really given grief too much thought, and now that I’m dancing with it, I look forward to the times when we sit out a song or two. MAYBE, someday, I’ll understand it, but for now, I’ll just live through it.

Clouds that Cover

Every once in awhile, my heart is an open book, yet my mind knows better, so I’m left with writing in code. This is one of those times.

Recently, Nathan joined a tackle football team. It was all brand new to him: the coaches; the tackling; the kids…everything, but before he even picked the team, he had an issue. Continue reading