March 4, 2020

I’m not sure what it was, but today was just “heavy.”

Maybe it was anxiety.
Maybe it was anticipation.
Maybe it was fear.
Maybe it was terror.

My preop is on Friday. Carolyn was going to be here, so I was going to take her with me, but then I learned she had to work. All of a sudden, I had to go alone.

As I was venting to Scott, I broke down, and the truth came out. I was terrified to go alone on Friday. I get tired of going to things alone. I just bawled on the phone (while I was driving😬).

All of a sudden, he said, “What time is your appointment? I’ll get half the day off. I’ll go with you.” Immediately, I was relieved.

While talking to him, I finally opened up about something else.

The other day, I had a sharp pain in my toe and thought, “What if the cancer’s down there!” The thought just came instantaneously.

Then, yesterday, I noticed my belly protruding and thought, “What if the cancer’s in there!”

And lately, I’ve been having to clear my throat a lot, and of course, I thought, “What if cancer’s in my throat!”

These are just thoughts, and I dismiss them as quick as I think of it, but it’s hard to catch them before they come because they come in response to pain or discomfort.

I don’t know. Today was rough, and I’m glad I’m going to bed. Tomorrow will be a day of straight homework. Let’s hope I get my mind started in a better place.