Being Alone

March 4, 2020

I’m not sure what it was, but today was just “heavy.”

Maybe it was anxiety.
Maybe it was anticipation.
Maybe it was fear.
Maybe it was terror.

My preop is on Friday. Carolyn was going to be here, so I was going to take her with me, but then I learned she had to work. All of a sudden, I had to go alone.

As I was venting to Scott, I broke down, and the truth came out. I was terrified to go alone on Friday. I get tired of going to things alone. I just bawled on the phone (while I was drivingšŸ˜¬).

All of a sudden, he said, “What time is your appointment? I’ll get half the day off. I’ll go with you.” Immediately, I was relieved.

While talking to him, I finally opened up about something else.

The other day, I had a sharp pain in my toe and thought, “What if the cancer’s down there!” The thought just came instantaneously.

Then, yesterday, I noticed my belly protruding and thought, “What if the cancer’s in there!”

And lately, I’ve been having to clear my throat a lot, and of course, I thought, “What if cancer’s in my throat!”

These are just thoughts, and I dismiss them as quick as I think of it, but it’s hard to catch them before they come because they come in response to pain or discomfort.

I don’t know. Today was rough, and I’m glad I’m going to bed. Tomorrow will be a day of straight homework. Let’s hope I get my mind started in a better place.

“Fear”

February 27, 2020

I love it when friends encourage me to be real, to come out of my hiding places, so here’s a little “real” for you!

I’m scared.
I’m scared of this forever journey.
I’m scared of taking my teeth out for surgery.
I’m scared of my boob changing shape.
I’m scared of talking to the oncologist about radiation.
I’m scared of what I’ll hear.
I’m scared of how my looks might change (again).
I’m scared I might be disappointing God by being scared.

There. There are my fears.

Every day, I feel anxiety, but I don’t want to take medicine, so I breathe through it, pray, change my thoughts, and face my fears.

I know it will be okay. I know I have plenty more to do in this world. I know I’ll get through this because I’m in God’s heart.

And yet, I still get scared.

Tunnels

there’s light
there’s always been light
it just seems like some tunnels
are longer than others

when I think back
as I’ve gone through stuff
I’ve always felt through it
and that’s been okay

there’re some super supernatural folks
who calmly walk
through the valley of death
seemingly unscathed
but some people feel out loud
all the way through

that’d be me

but I’m glad I feel
and I’m glad I write
because unbeknownst to me
my writing sometimes touches people
in their innermost being
in places only God could see
until now

I think it’s okay to get mad and frustrated
I think it’s okay to be scared
yet the words ‘fear no evil’
prove me wrong
yet I’m still a little freaked out

but through it all
I never think of drinking
I don’t want anxiety meds
heck, I don’t even want sex
the counselor ruined that for me
he taught me my worth
so now I’ll be picky

I know I’m not alone
I know God is with me
I know many are praying
maybe that’s why I’m crying
and breaking down in mid thought
because I’m surrounded by love
in the midst of fear