Last night, I stayed up till midnight to celebrate my sobriety date, and here it is, almost midnight again, and I’m barely writing about it.
Every year, I seem to write about how I never think about drinking, but this year’s been different because of the last few months.
Lately, I don’t really write about how I’m feeling because, one, I’m married, and, two, I haven’t felt very positive, but to give you a little insight, here was my day, yesterday (the 23rd). Continue reading
Wow, earlier I put a note on here, but it didn’t show up.
Today, I’m ELEVEN years sober and wanted to share it with my website friends. In a moment, I’ll be writing about my day.
all of a sudden
time’s standing still
every minute rolling by
to the next
thinking about
Carolyn and Nathan
and their first day of school
I think of their hearts
breaking
the disappointments
from expectations
kids have it tough though
their journey not their own
their fate
in the parents hands
I can’t help but think
how my decisions led them here
where they cry from depression
where the air’s empty of hope
where their face-to-face with friends
is on Snapchat
I know…
trust God
and keep moving
but in which direction
Today is the first time (ever) that my kids aren’t excited for the first day of school, and it hurts all the mommy parts of my heart. Well, Carolyn’s a little excited, but that’s just so she can get out of the house.
New schools, no friends, new rules (and there’re A LOT of them), new pledge of allegiance (here, they have to pledge allegiance to the Texas flag, as well), new…everything.
Thankfully, we were blessed to get them new clothes, which was the only thing they got excited about. Life here’s just been very difficult, to say the least, but we each keep going.
There’s no telling what the end of the day will bring, but I’ll be ready to ask questions and listen to every part of their heart.
the thing about isolating
is that you can’t hide
from yourself
where I go
I am
where I’ve been
I was
where I’m going
has yet to be seen
in a vision
in a dream
in my hopes
in reality
I’ve never been
in THIS place before
mentally
physically
emotionally
spiritually
surrounding me
are choices
not four corners
but a circle
and I’m the one
in the middle
rocking
sometimes it’s better
for you to fill in the blank
because your thoughts
might be better
than what’s missing
If tears were nourishment, I’d be healthy.
I see now
why flowers die
no longer finding joy
in the picture
of life
turning away from
the sun
rejecting
the water
aging
in the wind
drooping
from the weight
of oppression
the bloom has passed
the sun’s gone down
and the cold’s
about to set in
I’ve finally gotten
to the place
I never wanted
to be
where there’re no words
no expression of thought
to reach out to others
from inside
a place where I’m not
my own
a place hidden away
behind a curtain
and it breaks my heart
one thing different
about me
has been my
transparency
well
when two become one
I guess I’m not one
anymore
but two
and my other half
would like to leave
his book closed
this is so very sad to me
I can’t explain how it
hurts
and maybe – now –
I can’t
was this part of God’s plan
I can’t imagine it would be
we’ll see how it goes
maybe writing in code
if he knew what was on ‘here’
it’d break him
he only sees faKebook
and that hurts him
if I could turn back time
I’d never get married
I’d never split up my kids
I’d never be in Texas
but here I am
a writer without a pen
a poet without an outlet
a wife without a smile
a woman trapped
on the inside
Worship Flags and Infinity Scarfs 