Well
I had a pretty intense
falling apart moment
one that made everything
seem wrong
I’m scared
I’m unsure
I feel lost
yet I know where I’m going
I feel like I wanna cry
on God’s lap
but “feel” Him holding me
you know how a toddler
will drop to the floor
with that dead-weight
because they don’t wanna move?
that’s how I feel
yet God keeps me
light as a feather
so I can’t stop moving forward
On March 11th, I’ll have a lumpectomy.
He’ll take out the tumor and a few lymph nodes to have tested.
Immediately, I start radiation.
If results come back positive for the lymph nodes, I’ll need chemo.
He’s trying to save my boob.
He put me on Vitamin E and Evening Oil of Primrose.
No coffee, tea, soda, energy drinks, or chocolate.
all of a sudden
my looks don’t matter
my teeth don’t matter
sex doesn’t matter
all of a sudden
“i” matter
This morning, I couldn’t wait to dance with God at church!
While dancing, there was no fear about tomorrow’s appointment. There were very few thoughts of cancer whatsoever. Apart from that time, it’s been pretty constant.
It’s not constant in a way that I’m dreading it or anything. The thoughts are constant in the way they sporadically come on a regular basis.
Being scared has been sort of normal. And it doesn’t mean I’m not trusting God.
I have a lot to learn about my diet, this growth, the surgery plans, my energy, and unfortunately, I don’t believe it’ll all be answered tomorrow, so I’ll focus on what God answered today.
Today, as I was dancing, I saw the shadow of my flag on the floor. As I danced with the flag, the shadow moved. It felt like God was telling me that this cancer was but a shadow.
If I choose to give up, I’m sure the shadow would grow, but if I choose to fight, the shadow will move.
I’m a warrior, a queen.
I will not stop living, but I also will not stop writing how I feel.
I think the best way to mourn the dead
is to spend time with the living
after all
death often brings one closer
to life
now more than ever
life has gained value
and importance
things that used to be priority
have shifted down the list
moments that’ve been pushed aside
have risen to the top
I have no fear of dying
but I have sadness knowing what the kids would endure
if I died
that gives me more determination
to live
today, we celebrated the life of a great man
one who lost the battle to cancer
one who I could feel in my breast
I wonder how many times he was told
“it’s gonna be okay”
As I was listening to worship music on the way to work yesterday, this prayer came out.
It was like, out of nowhere, something snapped.
I had a very stearn talk with the cells, tissue, and muscle in my body and told them they needed to contain this shit, until the doctor can get it out! (Yes, I said shit in my prayer. It happens sometime.)
I also reminded everything in my body who was Boss and told them God gave them specific instructions on how to keep me healthy and they better GET TO WORK!
Then, I had a talk with joy.
I told joy how I realized it was buried and that it better rise up and overflow!!
Anyway, yesterday, I didn’t breakdown once.
I love you all!
If you think I’m sulking and falling apart, you’re wrong. But I’m definitely still “feeling” and probably will throughout this whole journey.
Yesterday, I reminded myself that this is a wonderful opportunity for growth. And just like with growth, there’ll be pain along the way.
And yes, I’ve still found excitement through this.
I’m excited to learn, so I’ll be better equipped to be there for those women God puts in my life, so I can help them through it. And for that, I am excited!
I know about rape and sexual assault and how no matter how hard you scrub in the shower, it will never come off. That’s what cancer feels like, so when a woman says it feels like rape, I’ll understand.
Understanding one another is key to being able to help one another. I don’t know why that makes a difference, but it does.
I know that yearning feeling of wishing I was in love, so that someone could hold me with intent.
I’m learning what not to say and how to be there for someone.
I’ve ordered my new sheets and will be getting a mattress pad to make my bed more comfy, just in case I need to spend a lot of time in it.
I’ll be able to help prepare someone to make their journey just a little bit easier.
This IS an opportunity for growth, and I’m ceasing it!!
Yes, I’ll be writing as I go through things, but never miss that important part…”as I GO THROUGH things.”
I never stop walking. I just like to talk while I walk. #cancersucks
I have to share with you how nice my dentist is.
First of all, he’s been with me through everything because it’s taken so long to get my teeth perfect.
He was there through the mammogram. He was there through the MRI. He was there through the biopsy. And when I went to see him on Wednesday, he was there to hear about the cancer, and it looked like it broke his heart.
I was leaned back in the chair, and he was adjusting my teeth. All of a sudden, I started bawling. He thought he might’ve done something. That’s when I told him I found out I had cancer. He let me gather myself, then finished with my teeth.
Yesterday, after he put the finished set in my mouth and handed me the mirror, he asked how they felt. I told him, “Weird.” He explained it would take time and that he wanted to see me next week to keep track how they fit in my mouth. Then, he said the sweetest thing.
He said, “As you go through this treatment, your weight will fluctuate and your teeth won’t fit right. Come back whenever you need to, and I’ll adjust them or realign them for you for free. I’ll make sure they fit you.” Isn’t that the nicest thing!
I’m grateful God placed that dentist in my life, and I’m grateful He had him there for the different steps along the way.
Well, yesterday, it was confirmed that I have breast cancer. Now, I wait until Monday to find out how we’re going to treat it.
I walked into the doctor’s office at 2:30 PM with a blood pressure of 122/75. When I got to my next appointment at the dentist (at 3:10 PM), it was 149/98. As of no surprise, I was a little anxious.
Since then, I do well when I’m busy, but when I’m not, when I have a moment to think, I breakdown a little. As a matter of fact, I cried myself to sleep last night.
Apparently, the results were known on the 12th, but I didn’t receive them till yesterday. I’m sort of glad of that.
What’s next? Writing. I’m not really doing well, so I’m going to write about it because that’s how I process things best.
Have you ever been in an uncomfortable situation and walked out?
Have you ever met that annoying person and walked away?
Have you ever tasted something nasty and spit it out?
Well, this is like being in an uncomfortable place, but you can’t leave. It’s like being chained to that annoying person. It’s like having to eat something disgusting. It’s like having something evil inside of you, yet you can’t get away from it.
It is NOT a good feeling. AND, those aren’t the only feelings I’ve been experiencing. Here’re some more.
Guilt – because I haven’t maintained a healthy diet, so my cells aren’t as empowered as they could be.
Shame – because of all the men I’ve let touch my breasts, my body.
Fear – because I don’t flippin know the road ahead (but I’ll keep moving forward).
Disgust – because I feel dirty with cancer inside me.
Sadness – because I’m sad.
Those are just some of the things I’ve been feeling. I’m sure they’ll be more, but as they say, “Life goes on, so I need to get over it.” …easier said then done.
Anyway, I need to get to work. Pray I don’t breakdown until after work.
Thank you all for supporting me through the time you’ve known me, and thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts!
Worship Flags and Infinity Scarfs 