Dirty Laundry

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In cleaning off Nathan’s bed, I found this dirty shirt, so now, I have his scent!! I’ve never been so happy to find dirty laundry in all my life!
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“Nauseated”

right now in my life
there’re a few phrases
that turn my stomach
and if chewed and swallowed
would come back up

like
‘God has a plan’
‘everything happens for a reason’
‘kids’d move out anyway’
‘just give it time’

to name a few

I refuse to believe
my whole life was planned out

drugs
alcohol
rape

some things resulted from
bad choices
which led to darkened paths
not chosen by God
but chosen by me
or others

and although I’ve been
forgiven
there still remains a trail
of broken families
broken dreams
broken ness

maybe mending
takes a lifetime
maybe dreams
are meant forgotten

I made the mistake of
fantasizing reality
which led to a
rude awakening
but at least I’m awake
and at least
I’m still trying

Polished to Shine

[written 10/14/16]

Recently, I was accused of holding Carolyn and Nathan here against their will. Of course, that’s not true, but instead of wasting my time explaining myself to the few who’ve interfered with my life, I’m going to tell you what’s going on with Carolyn, so you can see for yourself how she’s shined. Continue reading

“Do-Overs”

[written 10/9/16]

sometimes
I wonder
“if I’d done
EVERYTHING right
would things be
different?”

but then THAT
makes me wonder
“if I’d done
everything right
would I be
who I am?”

who I am
is pretty amazing
so trying to
change the past
seems
pointless

Don’t Miss the Miracle

For the past couple weeks, the Harlingen High School’s been putting on a strength and conditioning camp for free, but on Thursday, something was different: this time, Nathan showed up.

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I know I’ve mentioned how hard this move’s been on Nathan, so getting him excited about football’s been challenging because there’re many things that discourage his mind (the weather, not knowing the kids, not having his brother coaching, etc.), but through it all, I’ve been trying to get him involved.

So far, Nathan’s being playing (a very little bit) on the 7-on-7 team, so he’d hadn’t been able to go to the conditioning camp (not like he wanted to anyway), but the 7-on-7 games ended a week ago Thursday, so he’s had time to go but hasn’t had the heart to.

A week ago Friday, I took him but found out they didn’t meet on Fridays. Then, on Monday, I had a tax meeting to go to and couldn’t take him, so Tuesday was “supposed” to be the day, but Nathan didn’t want to go, so I talked him into going and watching.

For about an hour, we sat in the car and watched the kids work out. As a mom, it broke my heart, and eventually, we left.

The next conditioning was to be on Wednesday, which was also youth group, so I gave Nathan the option of which to go to: youth group or football, and he chose youth group, which was fine by me.

At the church they go to for youth group, they also had a special speaker, so I decided to stay for it, and right before it began, the youth group came in, so Carolyn, Nathan, and I ended up listening to the same message, which spoke to each of us.

On Thursday, guess where Nathan chose to go: the strength and conditioning camp, and boy, was it a HARD workout! I stayed and watched every minute. Actually, it was so difficult for me; I wished I had a friend with me. Watching him try so hard, knowing what he’s been going through, feeling the heat…it took everything in me NOT to cry, but I held every tear inside and supported him.

Even now, I’m crying. This transition’s been so difficult! It’s one thing to go through it, but it’s another thing to watch your kids go through it. Anyway, even though he’d wanted to quit, he never gave up.

Afterward, on our way home, he spoke about the night before. He said, “Last night, that guy talked about God calling you where you didn’t want to go because that’s where the miracle’s hidden. I knew He meant football, so that’s why I went, but I didn’t see the miracle.”

He may not’ve seen it, but I did. Nathan showing up WAS the miracle! He’d heard God’s voice, followed it, and never gave up!

You know, I’ve heard it said before that “brave people” step out in faith, but actually, it’s the stepping out in faith which makes people brave. Nathan did it! He tackled the heat, the loneliness, the not knowing anyone, the isolation, the fear, and NEVER GAVE UP! And through it all, he may’ve made a friend.

Oh, and remember how I’d said I wished I’d had a friend with me? The next time we go, Carolyn said she’d go with me!

“Fam-i-ly”

when a child has to choose
between mom and dad
things change
a seriousness takes over
and fun seems to be forced

it’s not a part “of” life
it’s a part of “our” life

choices birth decisions
decisions birth choices

I cannot change
the past I’ve created
but I can choose
to love well
forevermore

which includes now
and every tomorrow

Holidays are the Hardest

Yesterday was my favorite holiday of the year. Well, it “used” to be my favorite. We’ll see if it still remains…

It’s funny: I’ve ALWAYS loved the Fourth of July, but somewhere along the way, it became my favorite because of the firework shows and being with ALL my kids…two things I didn’t have this year, but when I thought about it, I didn’t have those last year, either.

As most of you know, moving to Texas “traumatized” me for a little while, and one of the traumatizing things was Continue reading