Some days, I think I’m depressed.
Other days, I think I’m bipolar.
And then there’re days when I think I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.
To say I’m in an unhappy marriage would be diluted, and to say things will get better seems far-fetched, but I keep (halfway) hoping by moving forward, and the next step to be made involves both feet: one to send Nathan back to San Diego and the other to go to marriage counseling.
You see, my family’s been experiencing A LOT of change lately because I married my ex-husband and moved us to Texas. Well, the man I married in January isn’t the man I’m living with now, and it’s been hard on all of us.
A friend told me how we are so many personalities forming a family under one roof, and I’ve known this and have spent some time talking to my husband about it, but I’m not sure if he heard because he never really talks. Anyway, US trying to make it work is hurting the kids, so why not get Nathan out of here to his dad, where he’ll be happy, but that won’t help those of us left behind, so counseling HAS to be involved.
As much one-on-one counseling I get, either from a pastor, a friend, a website, etc., that won’t help my husband through osmosis. There’re things “he” will have to do, and so far, he’s been unwilling to do them.
When I talked about him making some friends (he doesn’t have any he talks to), he said, “All I need is YOU (meaning me).” Back in my dating years, friends would’ve said that’s a red flag, but when you’re already married, do red flags really matter?
Anyway, I finally put my foot down and told my husband he’s going to HAVE to make friends and will HAVE to talk to somebody about our marital problems, so he can get direction in whatever needs changing because one person doing all the work won’t work.
There’s that word…change. My husband says he doesn’t want to change, but without change, we won’t grow, and without growth, we’ll die in our relationship. I KNOW this because I’m living it now, but I still have hope.
Last week, at an AA meeting, a woman talked about being a therapist at the local VA. Well, about a month ago, I asked my husband if we could go to counseling, and he said we couldn’t afford it. Many churches offer free counseling, but he won’t step foot in a church, so I thought I was at fork in the road, until I met this woman.
At the VA, they offer free marital and individual counseling to veterans. I asked her what a veteran was, and she said anyone from the military. Well, my husband’s retired from the Navy, so guess what I told him when I got home…”We get to go to counseling!” I’m not sure if he was as excited as I was because he’s yet to make the appointment, but I’m excited to be moving in the right direction. Anyway, for now, I think Nathan’ll be better off with his dad.
I’m going to miss him: his laugh; his voice; his smile, but in reality, since we’ve been here, all those things have been missing, which has ached my heart. What he “needs” right now doesn’t seem to be available here, so I’m letting him go.
As I think about my decision, of course, I wonder if it’ll be best. I mean, I thought marrying my ex was a good decision and moving to Texas. I thought letting Nathan choose to play football or not was a good decision. Actually, I’ve made quite a few “decisions” and have yet to see the outcome, so I’m not sure if they’re good or not. I guess only time will tell.
When I chose this path to marry Scott, each of our lives changed directions. I realize change is good, but sometimes, it can be hurtful. The hardest part of it all is that each these tough decisions have invisible consequences, and I won’t fully know the impact until after more life’s been lived.
Here’s to one more day in the life I choose to lead.