My Son Turned 14 on 4/17/2017!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Nathan!! I know you won’t see this, but my heart doesn’t care, so I’m posting it anyway.

I’m so proud of you and miss you immensely!
There’re times when I think you’ve made the smartest decision out of all of us.
There’re times when I wonder how life will go on.
There’re times when I rage inside because you’re growing up without me.
There’re times when I rage inside because I’m growing up without you.
My bones miss your laughter.
My muscles miss your hugs.
My heart misses your smile.
But even though we’re far apart, you still turned 14!!
And even though we’re far apart, I’m still breathing.
I love you!

[Photo credit: Kyle, from the movie theater on 4/16/17]


“First Day Sadness”

[written 10/13/16]

here’s what made me cry
about Nathan

an “Applebee’s” sign
thinking about dinner
seeing a 13yr old boy

the sign
on the side of the freeway
a place Nathan’d wanted to go
but we never went

in Sam’s Club
wondering what to make
realizing Nathan wouldn’t be
sitting at the table

in Target
seeing a teenage boy
wearing a mask
posing for snapchat

is this
how it’ll be

as it gets better
will I cry less
will I harden?

thank God
for the women in AA
who heard my heart
and handed me tissue

“Cloudy, with a Chance of Rain”


the quiet
brings the storm
poem after poem
wave after wave
of tears

when will my spirit
break through my soul
and Lighten the words
of my heart

a mother weaning
a wife fading
as friends turn away
and worry

all that’s left
is You in my heart
sifting through chaos
to bring clarity

as a mother
as a wife
as a friend

to a child
to a husband
to a friend

if I follow God
who cares what man thinks
but if I follow man
what will follow me

“Foreign Map”

all of a sudden
time’s standing still
every minute rolling by
to the next
thinking about
Carolyn and Nathan
and their first day of school

I think of their hearts
the disappointments
from expectations

kids have it tough though
their journey not their own
their fate
in the parents hands

I can’t help but think
how my decisions led them here
where they cry from depression
where the air’s empty of hope
where their face-to-face with friends
is on Snapchat

I know…
trust God
and keep moving
but in which direction

I Wonder What the Bells Sound Like

Today is the first time (ever) that my kids aren’t excited for the first day of school, and it hurts all the mommy parts of my heart. Well, Carolyn’s a little excited, but that’s just so she can get out of the house.

New schools, no friends, new rules (and there’re A LOT of them), new pledge of allegiance (here, they have to pledge allegiance to the Texas flag, as well), new…everything.

Thankfully, we were blessed to get them new clothes, which was the only thing they got excited about. Life here’s just been very difficult, to say the least, but we each keep going.

There’s no telling what the end of the day will bring, but I’ll be ready to ask questions and listen to every part of their heart.

Carolyn and Nathan on their first day of school. I just found out that, yesterday, Nathan broke down crying (AGAIN). This move has been horrible for him.