The Black Thread

What are some voices of depression?

“Don’t take a shower!”
“Nobody cares about you!”
“It’s never going to work!”
“You can’t do it!”

And most of the time, when I hear people open up about having depression, they “own” it, as if it was a part of them: MY depression this; MY depression that. To me, it’s darkness taking over; it’s becoming intertwined with who you are, but that’s all an illusion.

I’m not speaking from speculation.
I’m speaking from experience.

When I order my silk, there are some parts where there’s a little black thread, which I’m sure was used to mark the yardage. Anyway, when you have white silk with a black string of thread, it’s pretty noticeable, and as long as I leave it there, it stays, but when I pull the end of the thread, it comes out.

Depression is like that black thread. Maybe all it takes is someone pulling it out. Just like that black thread wasn’t part of the white silk, depression isn’t part of who you are.

If you can’t find the thread, find someone who can help you.

It’s never about fighting the lies; it’s simply about believing the truth.

“Through the Window”

[written 10/14/16]

you know what I love about being open?
you see the good times and bad

you see the moments
that’ve made me laugh
and the quicksand of tears
that’ve pulled me under

you see life being lived
and some death of myself

you’ve seen

I don’t mind being me and living where I am
it was those moments of wanting to die
that bothered me so

people need love
so why not be it wherever I go

there’re those who hate God
and those who seek Him
or something at least
and the aroma of His love
is the fragrance that’ll draw
people closer to His heart


since leaving Lemon Grove
I’ve been oppressed
and let me tell you
the dark can get darker

along the road
many turned away
some remained silent
while others stood by


many said
not to write
or at least
not out loud

but if they only knew
how many times
I held a pen
how many journals
were sent
and as I sat there
with pen in hand
only tears would

when ink
becomes tears
pages become

with every thing inside
I felt buried
with no where to express
parts died

but maybe they needed to
for other parts to live

when a forest burns
new life grows
because what once was shaded
now has light

to those who turned away
welcome back
to those who stayed
let’s move on
to those who were silent
I’m ready to listen

“Foreign Map”

all of a sudden
time’s standing still
every minute rolling by
to the next
thinking about
Carolyn and Nathan
and their first day of school

I think of their hearts
the disappointments
from expectations

kids have it tough though
their journey not their own
their fate
in the parents hands

I can’t help but think
how my decisions led them here
where they cry from depression
where the air’s empty of hope
where their face-to-face with friends
is on Snapchat

I know…
trust God
and keep moving
but in which direction

I Wonder What the Bells Sound Like

Today is the first time (ever) that my kids aren’t excited for the first day of school, and it hurts all the mommy parts of my heart. Well, Carolyn’s a little excited, but that’s just so she can get out of the house.

New schools, no friends, new rules (and there’re A LOT of them), new pledge of allegiance (here, they have to pledge allegiance to the Texas flag, as well), new…everything.

Thankfully, we were blessed to get them new clothes, which was the only thing they got excited about. Life here’s just been very difficult, to say the least, but we each keep going.

There’s no telling what the end of the day will bring, but I’ll be ready to ask questions and listen to every part of their heart.

Carolyn and Nathan on their first day of school. I just found out that, yesterday, Nathan broke down crying (AGAIN). This move has been horrible for him.

“Straight Jacket”

the thing about isolating
is that you can’t hide
from yourself

where I go
I am
where I’ve been
I was
where I’m going
has yet to be seen

in a vision
in a dream
in my hopes
in reality

I’ve never been
in THIS place before

surrounding me
are choices
not four corners
but a circle

and I’m the one
in the middle

One on One

Last week, the kids were at youth camp, and on Friday, we picked them up to bring them home to a surprise.

Since we arrived two months ago, I’ve been asking Scott for a basketball hoop for the kids. Well, I finally made that happen.

When we pulled up, I watched their faces. Nathan wasn’t looking out the window, but Carolyn saw, and her face said it all! She was SO surprised and pointed it out to Nathan, who loved it.

When we got inside, I laid down for a quick nap, and when I’d awoken (which was not even an hour later), Nathan’d already been out there shooting hoops!!

Later on, he went out a second time with Katie.

This hoop was one of the best decisions we’ve made!! Nathan’s been SO depressed, but now, he has an outlet!

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The perfect form!


The baby’s getting so big!
Katie, dribbling


Right before the ball hit me, I snapped a picture.


This is the biggest smile I could get out of Nathan, which saddened my heart.

“Amidst the Garden”

sometimes people
only read
what they want
to hear

this move
moved me
in a saddened way
too much for words

but some words
revealed a state
too much for some
to handle

where friends were needed
but not always wanted
where cries were answered
by heaven’s yes

for those who looked away
through tougher times
thank you
for not putting me down

for those who called
to leave a message
thank you
for leaving your voice

for those who rose up
from out of nowhere
thank you
for being somewhere

in the end of now
I’m able to relate
because of what
I’ve gone through

or better yet
what “I’ve” put “myself” through